Reflections

For various reasons, such as a busy life, and Blogger not always being user friendly as well as due to the recent changes that Google and Blogger have made, I have decided to streamline things a bit including my writings.  Using my Facebook page as my main focus of attention will do that for me.  I changed the name of my Facebook page to "Reflections" to reference the change and the essences of each of my two blogs, and the page will reflect my blogs, but opens the door to other ways of sharing.  It will make life simpler for me as well as for my followers.  I hope that you all will feel the same as well.

For future posts and more, please go to my Reflections page and hit like, and you will get automatic updates.  It is my hope to continue to encourage, and inspire others while reflecting the things I have learned and as well as currently experiencing.  God Bless!

https://www.facebook.com/LilLilBecBecPage?ref=hl

A Syringe Full Of Reminders

Over the course of several weeks, we have been in constant chaos around our house in regards to what I keep referring to as our "house disaster" due to damage and repairs from a leak in the wall/ceiling from a pipe.  I wish I could say that the house was the only thing that felt like was in chaos, but I had many things going on that left me stressed, and feeling low.  After being let down several times as a little girl, being forced to rely on others to get things accomplished is killer for me, and then when you couple that with impatience, which I have always struggled with through out my whole life, and dealing with other downer kind of things, I had problems rising above the difficulties.  It was just hard for me to find my happy place, and extra hard for me to find the positives for a bit as well.

As the house repairs and renovations came to a close, one area of stress decreased quite a bit.  I was excited to get our house back in shape again.  In the midst of sorting, cleaning, purging, and putting everything back in their spots, I came across something in the downstairs bathroom.  When work began in our house, and as damaged things and areas were removed, Scot and I had to quickly remove our personal belongings out of our coat closet and downstairs bathroom.  All of our wall hangings in over half the first floor had to come down too.  Things either got stacked in our master bedroom (how romantic btw), or placed in our attic.  As things got repaired and back into working order, we had to locate items and put them away in their proper places.

I was doing this with the items for the downstairs bathroom.  As I was sorting and putting things away into our new bathroom vanity, I came across some items that I had completely forgotten about, and that we had saved.  I found a sodium chloride flush syringe, and a PICC line sterile prep kit. Memories just flooded back in.  The syringe that I now held in my hand was full of reminders of what had been just about fours years ago (and inspiration for this blog).  I remembered being about 25 weeks pregnant with Little Man with 4-year-old Sky Baby's arm resting gentling on her bed.  While being excited to have her home from the hospital after several days, and knowing that she had even wound up in the ICU, I remembered feeling nervous to hold such a syringe after only having a half hour crash course in using it as Sky Baby was home still recovering from a bad case of pneumonia.  If I did it wrong, and flushed the PICC line incorrectly with it, as I had to administer meds, I could stroke out my own daughter.  This was frightening to me.  Above that fear too, I had to clean everything properly to prevent an unwanted infection.  Scot and I had to take our time and trust ourselves with caring for her, but above all else trust in God.

I had to trust God.  I had to rely on Him through that whole month she was sick.  And I had to be patient with God's timing, and God's healing.  I HAD to be patient--very patient--when administering meds and dealing with Sky Baby's PICC line.  I had to follow the steps... step by step...

Life is about the steps... Life is about trusting others sometimes... Life is about trusting God... on His timing and plans even if they are unknown to us sometimes... Find the positives whenever you can as I had learned everyday that Sky Baby was sick...    

I sat on my new bathroom floor with a syringe full of reminders in my hand... and again perfect timing for those reminders...

Iron Boy (Update)

Hello everyone!  I thought that I would write a very quick post about our Big Mac!  His blood work took a little bit more time than we thought it would.  He had been anemic for three months and went in for blood work to dig further into it all.  The first set of blood work didn't work.  The lab our insurance sends us to just doesn't seem as prepared, and equipped to deal with pediatrics.  Although, they were as sweet as anything, I knew when I left that their final attempt was not going to result in a good useable sample.

A few days later we got word from our pediatrician who confirmed what I had feared--we had to go for a second attempt.  However, we had to put the second attempt on hold due to the Thanksgiving Holiday.  Ours went well by the way, as I hope the same for you all as well!  Anyways, as the long holiday weekend came to an end, we started out with an already busy week, and Big Mac coming down with what was believed to be an allergic reaction to a bug bite (which has now been determined as a small hematoma on his thigh from a fall he took), as well as an ear infection.  However, we were able to squeeze in the second attempt, which actually took place at the hospital with techs that have more experiences with pediatrics.  And they got it on the very first, and very quick, attempt!

Our pediatrician called on Friday with the results.  Big Mac has a little bit higher amount of iron in his blood than that which their in office blood test shows; however, it is still on the low side, but everything else looked great and normal.  The plan now is another month of Big Mac on iron supplement (5ml 3 x a day).  The hope is that his iron levels will rise a little bit again, and then we can take a break! 

Speech and Some Iron (Update)

Several weeks ago, I wrote how Little Man was going to have speech therapy to address some problem areas.  After going to four separate schools for various reasons and assessments, Little Man started his speech therapy just last week. 

During the several week process of getting him assessed and such, his speech actually improved some.  However, he still has some things to be addressed.  Also, we have one area of concern too.  With in the last few weeks, it seems that Little Man has become aware, and perhaps, discouraged about his speech, and repeating himself frequently when asked as others are unsure as to what he is trying to say sometimes.  He has started to state when people ask him to repeat himself, "Um never mind."  Little Man sometimes will even cover his mouth up afterwards, which breaks our hearts.  He is starting to show some signs of his speech affecting him socially, so we are very grateful to get this underway! He will be meeting with the speech therapist 30 minutes every Friday.

As far as Big Mac goes, his blood work yesterday showed that he is still anemic, and therefore, our pediatrician has ordered a more thorough blood work up.  Tomorrow morning, I will be taking him at 9:30 AM for labs.  There are about three possibilities for which two of them have simple approaches and explanations, with a third possibility being a bit more extensive.  It will take about two days or so to get the results.  I will inform you all of what the results show, and our course of action if any.

Filters

I am going to make this post very short and simple.  I have a tendency to be wordy, but I simply will not be this time.


Be careful with what filters one chooses to use when looking at another person...

 

 

 

And be careful with what one chooses to use as the primary source(s) when casting judgment of another person...  Sometimes one's perception of another may be wrong...

 

 

 

Because there is almost always a much larger picture to be seen...



And just because one person may go slightly against the masses, doesn't necessarily make one wrong, incorrect, a threat, or on the attack.  After all, someone realized that against popular belief the world was in fact round... 

Doors and a Window

The last few weeks feel like they have gotten completely chaotic on me!  It is always GO GO GO!  And taking the kids here and there; and so many demands.  It is hard to slow down sometimes.

Well, last Thursday and Friday were no different.  I was off going non-stop from 6 AM on; however, a few things that seemed to be an annoyance, caught my attention.  I have had the chance to process it now, and to share with you!

In the midst of the rush on Thursday morning, I had come to the realization that one of my master bedroom window panes had an actual problem occurring.  After a cold snap, the window was displaying a fog like appearance in its upper window pane.  This annoyed me, because it cut down my view of outside.  Upon further inspection that morning, I had realized that there was some kind of seal break, for which was causing the problem.  This annoyed me a bit, because the window was a replacement window that we have only had for about 8 to 9 years; however, I was thankful that although there would be a wait, due to a warranty, a new window pane would arrive.  In the meantime; however, my clear view out that window wasn't going to be for a bit, due to the moisture trapped in it.

The next day, Friday, was like all the others days in that week--busy.  It was off to another crazy and busy early start.  As I had gotten the girls off to school, I had to turn my focus on getting Little Man to preschool as well as Big Mac and myself to a baby gym class.  I was doing my usual mad dash around the house, but something that happened earlier in the week had gotten me a bit down.  With that looming over me and the rush of the morning, I was off to a negative start if you know what I mean.  I had frost on my van--the first one of the season.  A bit earlier than years past.  As I realized that I had not accounted for the time I needed to clear the van's windshield, I  became even more frantic than my normal rush.  I ran to the van, quickly started it, and turned on its defrost when I ran back into the house.

As I closed the storm door behind me, it swung back open.  I closed it again, and it popped back open allowing cold air to stream into my little house.  I closed it again as I thought about Big Mac who would probably try to make another great escape out that same very door since the locking mechanism had been having problems for weeks!  Knowing this all, I proceeded to slam the door in haste as I was trying to prep to leave.  The door popped back open.  Frustrated at the fact that Scot hadn't made what I had believed were the best attempts to address the problem, and hence the fix, I grew angry about it, and the inconvenience; and therefore, I did what any other person would do--I slammed it even harder!

Well, that appeared to work, because the door stayed closed.  However, as I scooped up Big Mac into my arms, and told Little Man he could go ahead outside, I discovered that my actions had caused the door to break or jam or something, because Little Man and I couldn't get it opened!  It wouldn't budge.  I pulled, pushed, yanked, and even kicked, but the door was jammed.  Called Scot over and over and over again before he returned my call.  As he did call me back, however, all I did was yell at him about how long it took him to return my call, and about the door still needing to be fixed, and how was he going to help me. 

We discussed my departure, which was to leave the whole back of our townhome unlocked, so that we could have an entrance back into the house, and I would take the boys, and myself, out our sliding back door, through our tiny yard, leave the privacy fence door wide open, go down the steps, around our row of houses to the van, which by the way was still very much running!

I could tell as one neighbor was sitting on her front stoop smoking her cigarette that she wondered why we had journeyed around the row of houses instead of just going out our front door.  And of course to prove that something was indeed wrong, after I had strapped the boys into their seats, I went back to the storm door for one final pull.  It was still stuck tight.

As I got in the van I hit the button for Little Man's side of the van's automated sliding door system to close, when all of a sudden I heard the familiar and annoying sound.  The door alarm started going off, which only meant one thing--Little Man's sliding door wouldn't close all the way again.  Now this usually only happens when it rains, but that day it decided to do it because it was too cold out.  Ever since a trip to the beach one time about two years ago, when the kids climbed into the van before I had time to tell them to stop to get the sand off their feet, they got sand all in the track of that one sliding door.  Terrible grinding noise occurred until I was able and at a place to get some of the sand out of the track.  However, when there is a lot of humidity, the door to this day still acts up thanks to the sand that is still there I suppose.

As I had to switch the manual button so that I could manually close the van door, I thought to myself, What are with all the door issues, and window, all in one short period of time? 

Well, I have been able to conclude a few things about my actions, and how relatable to life, and to this blog, those two doors and widow actually were to me.

For instance, the window being hazy and foggy, and obscuring the view, is like periods in our life when things and situations are just not clear to us.  We have to wait patiently for God to reveal His plan and purpose, like I have to be as I wait for the new window pane to arrive.  He will restore our vision when the time is right, and when everything is ready, as when my new window pane is slid into its tracks, and my view is restored after it has been made brand new.  Sometimes our circumstances have us in a haze, and we have to trust God to know the way, or to see the whole picture.

As for my glass storm door, other parallels can be formed from the experience such as allowing the frustrations of your day, your life, your circumstances, to dictate your actions and choices.  When you let frustrations get in the way, and you don't trust that God will fix them, like Scot with our door.  And then you try to take control, or inappropriately take the wrong set of actions such as me choosing to slam the door out of frustration, which actually made the situation worse.  You see, we have had to slam that door a number of times to get it to remain closed, and with doing so, we have created other problem areas for the door, which we have discovered can actually jam it into its own door frame by catching on two spots with in its own frame.  So by my slamming it harder and out of anger, the door got stuck and I made us late for Little Man's preschool that day, amongst having to leave my house unlocked, and our longer journey to the van.

Lastly, sometimes God gives us the right doors that we need for our life, or circumstances; however, sometimes we get the hinges and/or tracks dirty and cruddy causing them to be harder to open or to close them, like what my kids did with the van door.  Sometimes we blame God when this happens, or blame others instead of taking responsibility, and we decide that God is not there for us when in fact He is there for us.  The wonderful news about God though, is He often is the one to clean up our messes, and problems that we have created...  Grace and Mercy!

Who Would Have Thought? (And A Prayer Request In A Way)

This is actually a little bit of a follow-up of something that I had posted last week on FB about Big Mac and his crib.  He had been a busy little beaver in many regards, and had completely gnawed the daylights out of his crib rails.  I mean bad.  He has chewed into the furniture polish and into the wood all down the side of one of his rails.

I have since remedied the problem, and made my own version of crib rail guards, which have appeared to have worked!  However, I had grown worried about Big Mac being exposed to chemicals and particles such as led.  I had plans to talk about my concerns with our pediatrician when I brought Big Mac in for his second round of hemoglobin blood work to check his level of iron in his blood.

Last month, I brought him in after giving him additional iron after the previous appointment indicated that his levels were too low.  Well, partly due to a mistake that Scot and I made, Big Mac did not get the amount of iron supplement that he was supposed to have had; therefore, his blood work hadn't changed at all.  In fact, it may have dropped lower, which was slightly disconcerting, because regardless of our mistake, he had been given additional iron.  Anyways, we were told to give it another month with the correct dosage and such in mind.

Yesterday morning, as Scot stayed home with our sick Princess Paiz (stomach bug), I took Big Mac in for another hemoglobin count.  While his levels went up, they barely went up, and were still below where they need to be.  So the doctor instructed us to give it another 4 to 5 weeks.  She said that she is pretty confident that it will go up; but if it doesn't, more extensive blood work will be ordered.  I inquired a little bit more information, but decided to leave the subject a lone primarily because of what I have learned with Little Man's kidney issues as well as GI issues, and what I had learned during Sky Baby's hospitalization--sometimes it is better not to ask too many questions, or know too much, and only worry about it when and IF we have to cross that bridge!

Simply, Big Mac is anemic right now and has been for two months going on three.  Please pray for his levels of iron in his blood to increase, and that he will desire to eat the food rich with iron or are good for iron absorption.  All this is happening as he is also weaning some too.  A lot of it is even on his own accord!  (A mother's breast milk has a higher amount of iron in it than let's say whole cow's milk.)

Anyways, as I was talking to the pediatrician about possible blood work up in the future, we discussed the crib rails that he had been gnawing too.  She is not concerned too much.  She said if he needs blood work for hemoglobin next month, she will order additional blood work for our concerns with the furniture polish.  However, as I told her how he has gnawed the daylights out of the crib, she informed me of something that I did not think of or know.  His gnawing on the crib is a sign that confirms that he his suffering some iron deficiency.  Who would have thought?!  I knew that rocks and dirt were a sign, for which Big Mac was all about doing on Monday when we were out and about at some local plantations as a family, but I didn't know that chewing such things as a crib was a sign too.  He has even been trying to chew part of the stairs and various other pieces of furniture too!  It is a condition known as perka (I totally believe that I missed spelt that).

So now things make sense as to why Big Mac is gnawing on the crib way more than our others kids did.  For him, it isn't simply teething.  And FYI as of today my 11-month-old baby boy only has two teeth to have gnawed the crib the way he has!

(Please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes.  I do not have the time to proofread!)

Confessions of a Lonely Mom

I have debated off and on for about a year whether to post this entry, or not.  In fact, I have begun writing it on a few occasions, and have ended up deleting every attempt.  However, when thoughts and topics keep popping into my heart and mind, I believe that is a prompting to go ahead and write.  Even with that said, however, as I began writing this very entry, I have already changed up my approach a few times.  Hopefully, this one works, and I convey the points I wish to make.

This has been hard to write about for several reasons.  First, who wants to admit that they are lonely, and a bit envious of others?  Secondly, I am afraid that others will take pity on me, and will do things out of obligation, guilt, or most importantly to me, because they feel sorry for me.  Who wants that?  Surely, not me.  Thirdly, I have been afraid that my feelings of loneliness and isolation may become worse as others just might wonder what is wrong with me, and my lack of friends and support?  Yes, it is true, that very thought has crossed my mind.  I worry that after reading this, people could ignore me, or avoid me, more than what I feel that they do already.  And lastly, I don't want people to think that I am ungrateful for the fact that God has given me a caring husband, and four wonderful children.  I thank God everyday for them.  They have been my saving grace in many regards, and they have most definitely taken the sting of loneliness away.

Yes, I have and do compare myself with other people, especially that of other moms and wives such as myself; and many times I am left wondering why their circle, or circles, of friends seem much larger than mine.

I never have had a huge circle of friends; even when I was young and in my high school days.  I was never like many of the other girls or my other peers.  I almost always just had a very few close friends.  At times, I probably would agree that I may have only had two to four close friends.  I do believe in several regards, the fact that I was homeschooled did play a huge part in my smaller circle of friends; however, even if I didn't and from my time away at college up until this point of my life, my circle of friends has remained rather small just the same anyways.

I have had a wide variety if social circles through out my life even as I was homeschooled.  I had church, youth group, homeschool groups, my beloved sport of volleyball that blossomed into college level, MOPS, various Bible studies, scrapbooking, and more.  However, I still have only a handful of friends while others even my own sisters seem to have a much larger group of friends.

I am not sure why it has been this way.  I have one really close friend that I do consider my BFF and she has been my friend ever since we met when we were about 12-years-old.  I enjoy her company, and her friendship is absolutely near and dear to my heart as we have remained very close friends even to this very day.  The only problem is she and I live miles apart now, and we are unable to see each other as much as we would like, but we do call each other, and text often.  We see each other a few times a year, and we joke about what we would do if we lived closer to each other, like weekly chats at a local Starbucks!

Excluding her, I have about one to two other people I would consider close friends and others whom I like and care about, but I would not necessarily say that we are friends, may be more like acquaintances.

Then I wonder if other people who seem to have such large circles of friends, actually place their acquaintances into their group of so called "friends."  Perhaps I just have a different definition, and expectations of what a friend is, or should be?  May be mine is too rigid?

I believe that a friendship is a two way street, with two people who invest time and effort for each other, and in each other's lives.  Too many times as I was growing up, and especially when I was in high school, college, and to a few people recently, I was loyal to friends who in the end seemed by their actions, could actually care less about my life and me.  I would spend so much time and energy in a relationship, but would get very little in return.  To clarify, I am not specifically looking at what I can get out of a relationship; I just prefer a more equal effort on both parties are needed.  I would become exhausted in trying to keep the friendship going.  They would expect me to be their for them, but when I needed a friend, such as the time my Sky Baby was in the hospital, I heard not one single word from a few people who I believed were my friends.  You get burnt out in any relationship when the other individual doesn't make an effort--when you are too busy pouring into their cup, but they are not pouring anything into yours.

I have also been known to have a few fair-weather friends who only call or contact me when they need something from me.  I have almost always dropped what I was doing to help them out.  I used to feel needed in those friendships and/or situations.  With a small circle of friends already, feeling like you were wanted, even if it was often at your expense, was nice sometimes.  I was being used however, which grew tiring for me as I often had/have no one there for me.  In fact, this summer one of my fair-weather friends contacted me out of the blue after two years of silence. She wanted my help with something; but this time, I actually put myself as well as my family, and our beach vacation, ahead of her needs and request.  I told her how I could help when I returned, and what I planned on doing.  I kept to my word, but I have not yet heard a reply from her since, and probably won't either until she needs something on her timing again probably a year, or two, down the road.

So, I admit with my past experiences with friendships and people, I may be tired of trying sometimes, and appear to be reserved, which has become a safety net for me; however, it may cost me a larger group of friends.

Perhaps everyone else get's an impression from me.  May be there is an air about me that people see and feel, making them not wish to pursue me either.  If so, I don't mean too.  I really like people in general, and I am so often willing to help others.  I am loyal until the bitter end.  I even had to kick a friend to the curb this past year for reasons that I just cannot get into; but she wronged me, and in an effort to save a relationship more near and dear to me, the betrayal of this other friend and the threat that she posed, and her adamantly not willing to own up to any of her actions, I was forced to end it with her as she also ended things with me too.  However, even though I was justified in ending the relationship, up until she decided to ignore my efforts to talk to her, I was still hoping that a friendship in many regards, could be squeaked out of a very bleak and complicated situation.

Sometimes I just get too afraid to try, and I will own up to that!

I have tried to meet with others, or go out for a meal, and either receive silence or that they have busy schedules.  I have also tried to host countless little parties and such at my house.  I have gotten excited and sent out invites and emails for which I either hear from no one even up to just days before the event; or everyone who does answer are unable to attend.  Then I either sit in my house waiting for someone to show-up; or as I did recently for a Thirty-One party I was hosting, I just canceled, or in that case, changed it to an online party.  It takes a toll on a person when they continually extend an invite out, and all they receive are "no's" or silence, so one just stops trying.

This past summer, I even tried to get in contact with one of my old college friends, who I used to hang out with after we were married.  We used to have such a great time together, and we used to chat often.  I have texted, called her, and even Facebooked her twice, and all I have received from her is silence...

Silence can make one ache so... I ache when there is silence, and then I wonder what's wrong with me?  Or what did I do?  How can I fix it?

I can go several weeks, and I mean several weeks, with out one phone call.  My phone hardly ever rings.  I don't hear from my own family, sisters, friends, etc.  It hurts too.

I also love to talk to others!  Sometimes I have been so lonely, as talking to my husband and children can only provide but so much for me, that I can crave some adult interaction outside of this house.  Sometimes when Scot is working long and hard hours; and when his topics can often be surrounded by work related issues where I just cannot relate, the ache for friendship and social settings outside of my family unit sometimes get's quite strong.  I spend a lot of time with my kids, but you can only talk so much to your kids, making me all the more chatty when I am around other adults especially other women.  I can be so chatty!  May be too chatty... may be that annoys people...

I also need to realize that friendships change as life experiences and needs change.  Sometimes God sends us friends for specific times in our lives.  While other times, people change focus, and priorities.  Although, I do think that a true friend, stands the test of time.

Even though my phone barely ever rings, or I barely even chat with anyone over text, emails and such, when I finally do get a call, it has always been at God's perfect timing.  Really truly it has and I am thankful for that as it has reassured me that God knows.  He see me.

I read way more into things than I probably should.

With in the last couple of years, I have also grown to the realization that I was left out of extended family gatherings, parties, and celebrations too, which have ultimately left me questioning what is wrong with me, and wondering what do people see in me that they would rather exclude me and my family?  I know that sometimes I may read way too much into certain things too. There could honestly be simple explanations, but my mind starts wondering as the loneliness sinks in again...

Like I mentioned earlier, I have been and currently are, a part of a variety of social circles, but often have and do feel left out.  I remember one time, I was at a park when I realized that two women from my church were there.  We said hello, and then they gathered their items and walked away from me, leaving me feeling alone, unwanted, and amongst other things.  Perhaps they were just talking about a private matter, and did not want me to hear them, but as they journeyed yards away from me and my kids, and parked themselves at the bridge, I experienced negative feelings.  It hurt.

Just this past weekend we enjoyed a celebration dinner at our church for it's 20th anniversary.  In the back of my mind I wondered if I even wanted to go, because I usually almost always experience isolation at such gatherings.  This time was like all other times, me and my family sat alone at a table with no other families or friends to join us.  I mentioned this to Scot, and he replied, "Well, we are a big family.  We take up a lot of space."  I looked around at other large families who sat amongst other people, and well, I became discouraged.

It goes outside of church circles as well.  I played volleyball for years, and there were several points that I felt like a team member on the court, but nothing else outside of the sport.  Felt like everyone just wanted to ignore the little homeschooler on the team when she wasn't playing.

Therefore, sometimes I just want to disengage.

Sometimes in order to cope, I often disengage, which comes across as shy or such to others, which in turns, creates a viscous little circle, because in the end, who would want to be my friend if I come across as shy or too reserved? (Boy I sound like highschooler right about now! LOL)

I have also wondered if I ever just moved away from this area, if anyone would even notice?

Honestly, my short answer is that they probably would not, though I know Scot and others would disagree.  There is not much to talk about here other than sometimes I just feel like I am just Scot's wife, and Sky Baby's, Paize's, Little Man's, and Big Mac's mom.  Sometimes I feel like I have nothing else to show for... Nothing that cries out me and my identity!  I also know that some of this is just irrational thinking when I get super low and lonely.

I have had a few dear people, especially those from my church aware of my sense of loneliness, and they have tried to help, but as I have learned recently through a few discussions with people that I am also simply in a new phase in my life right now too; and that I just may be where God wants me to be right now.  He has called me to be a mother, and I am grateful for that calling.  I have been blessed with four beautiful children whom I love more than words can ever express, but with their ages ranging from 8 years of age down to 10 months of age, I am consumed with my children, their needs, schedules, and activities; and none of my own.  Also, I have to admit that there are a few days where, just having a day at home where I do not have to go anywhere, and I can catch up on chores or my desires, outweighs hanging out with others.  Recently, however, I have chosen to head right on out of my house for a play date and such regardless of nap schedules!  Socializing has become important to me!

Therefore, sometimes it is my choice too.

As I have found myself isolated from the adult world in many regards, I often seek other outlets, such as the wonderful double-edged, social networking world known as Facebook!  I enjoy getting on and chatting with others, and seeing what others are up to.  It is an outlet in a way for me, but not everyone one on my friend's list do I consider a friend so to speak too.  Do you know what I am trying to say?  There are many aspects of friendship and personal interactions that social networks such as Facebook just simply cannot provide, and will never provide.  However, it does provide some social aspect for me.

However, I have used Facebook as a means of comparisons... Can you believe that!?  How pathetic am I?!

Sometimes I wonder how could one person have +300 contacts in their friends list.  I also wonder why some people can get so many likes and comments on statuses and photos to my few?  Why do others seem to get more attention than do other people?  For instance, a few weeks ago, Big Mac suffered a febrile (sp?) seizure, I posted a picture and a status update on my little guy, of which I barely got any recognition over my son's illness, and ambulance ride to the hospital.  However, knowing if others from church had posted the same, the same people who overlooked my post, would have been all over the others' like white on rice!  I wondered what made them, or their child, more important than my own?  Why does it seem like others really don't give a rat's ass about me? (Excuse me for my phrase.)

However, although I ache for more friendship and I do feel lonely sometimes, I need to remember that sometimes, one or two close friends is way better than several friends.  And I have some good, close friends.  My phone may not ring off the hook, or I may not have many visitors, but I will hang onto the few close relationships I got.  Also, I can and do have a close personal relationship with my Lord God who knows me very well; and provides me with what I need.  He fills my cup.

If my sharing about my feelings and loneliness helps another person, then these feelings are worth it to me.

I still like getting on FB and checking out what other people are up too, or what they may need prayer for, so I will continue my FB social networking, but I need to try not to compare.  And as much as FB can be a double edged sword for me, I want to use it as a place for others to feel acceptance, and encouragement.  I want to pray for others and chat with others, who simply need someone to talk too.  With my smaller circle of friends, I have more time available to love my own husband, and children; but also to pray, and be open to encourage others.  Therefore, I have opened Becca's Page (https://www.facebook.com/LilLilBecBecPage?ref=hl) on FB, to help encourage others as well as myself.  I have decided to fill a small emptiness with something that could bless others.  Not sure how it will go.  Want to be a blessing in the daily personal contacts as well... so we shall see where the road takes us.

I know I am loved by God, and by others in my life.  I don't need to be busy keeping up with large circles of people who I am seeking to fill my cup when only God can do that anyways... 

And really... truly... sometimes all you need is just one true friend... Nothing more and nothing less...




They Lifted Me Up

Hello Everyone!

Remember in my last post this week, I talked about trying to find the positives in all things, and being thankful for all things?  I also mentioned how I have been trying to be more thankful, and to find the positives everyday; and that I have been going for a new mind set for several months now.  Do you also remember how I had mentioned that some days I did better than other days?

Whelp... yesterday was surely my off day...

It began with little sleep that was met head on with a small fear and dilemma, which eventually became the catalyst for a bad day.  I had negative feelings rushing in, but I made some frail attempts to find the positives, and to thank God for His blessings.  By the afternoon, I even had told myself that I didn't care to find the positives anymore today.  Pathetic I know...

With out going into the nitty gritty of it all right now (though I may share some more about it soon), I basically had a mental, and spiritual collapse yesterday.  Hit another one of those mental brick walls and it hurt!  I think I got tired of trying to not only boost myself up, but trying to help others see the positives in life that I got exhausted so to speak--burnt out.

As the afternoon spiraled into a negative pit for me, by evening I was in near tears.  I was low... real low, and kind of really feeling sorry for myself instead of looking around at my blessings.

We all sat down at the table for dinner, when Sky Baby blurted out (I almost want to cry just thinking about it), "What are we all thankful for today?"

Unfortunately, my response was very unbecoming, "Not much for me today, I am afraid. But if you would like to share, you may."

She looked at me dumb founded, but she continued on.

She shared what she was thankful for and then Paiz did too.  There was a few minutes of nothing, and me just staring blankly at my plate of tacos, when Little Man chimed in and said, "Daddy, what are you thankful for?"

Expecting Scot to kind of react the way he had been reacting to my new family meal time of sharing thankful thoughts, I wasn't expecting much out of him.  At first, on Monday, he didn't seem to like my idea and conversation piece.  He seemed to question it a little bit too, though he still participated with us.  However, on Tuesday, he had a bad day at work, and he was at the table a bit glum as I was last night.  When the kids asked him what he was thankful for, he pretty much muttered something to the affect of nothing, when I said to him, "Well, you need to find it."

He replied after a quick pause, "My job, because of how I am able to provide for my family."

Which in turn, changed our dinner conversation in a positive light that night!

My husband, knowing some of what caused my mental state yesterday; and I think grasping what I have been wanting to instill upon the hearts of our children, decided to respond to Little Man's question last night with such a positive up beat tone and smile, "This delicious dinner!"

Realizing that my family was trying to carrying on what I had started, lifted me up! And slowly my sadness melted away!  They lifted me up! 

I am thankful for each and everyone of them!

The Throne of Thankfulness

So I have learned with in the last few years how to be thankful in everything; and how to find the positives, which leads to thankfulness.  Some days I do better at it than other days, but the main point is that I try, and that I know that I am trying.  Living life in thankfulness, in turns points you to God, and the Cross.  It brings you to the Throne, and a better understanding of life, and God's blessings upon you.  It provides you a perspective of hope and joy that simply nothing else can bring.

This past summer, I started to come to the throne of thankfulness in more ways than one.  I started seeking it in even the most unusual places.  For instance, I found thankfulness at the throne of a different kind!  Yep, I found a thankful heart at the foot of the porcelain throne--the toilet.

As a busy mom and housewife, there are days that so many of the tasks and chores that I do seem so minor, and very mundane.  I feel like cleaning the toilet constantly is just a disgusting, boring, and a must-do chore that someone like myself just has to do.  However, this past summer I started to grasp this chore!  I started using the time of cleaning my two toilets as a way of praying, and thanking God for His goodness!  Can you believe that?!

As I clean my toilets, I am able to take the time and redirect my heart by thanking the Lord for such things as our house (shelter), the blessings of having two toilets for a large family such as mine, for each member of my family who uses it, or will be using it, such as Big Mac.  I thank the Lord for each bum bum that sits upon my toilets.  I am thankful for the fact that I have a husband, and four beautiful children; and I have started to take the time to pray for each one as I clean.

I pray and thank the Lord in so many chores now as washing dishes, packing lunches, vacuuming, and more!  I thank the Lord for the water we have to clean with, the electricity we have to power my vacuum.  I thank the Lord for each member of my family that I either clean-up after, or provide a meal for, because they are blessings to me.  I pray for safety and more specific prayers where applicable as I thank the Lord for them.  This has provided joy and a different perspective on things than just simply grudgingly doing a hated chore.

This summer, I have also wanted to instill a grateful heart, as well as a good perspective, for my kids.  So at lunch, we would all go around the table, and each one of us would state what we were thankful for, as well as why.  The kids loved it!  It even got to the point that the kids would remind me, or jump in with their thankful thoughts before I could even sit down!  This brought joy to my heart as well as theirs!

As school has started up though, our lunchtime practice has gone by the way side; HOWEVER, I have decided to start initiating it at dinnertime with Scot.  We are going to include Scot on our thankfulness!  It can be Thanksgiving everyday!  Not just once a year!  And doing this at dinner will provide good, positive family conversation and time, in such a crazy and busy world.

I challenge you all to start making Thanksgiving a day to be had every day!  Your outlook on life will change!  In EVERYTHING that you do--whether it is scrubbing the toilet, or pulling weeds in the garden--find something to be thankful for as you go!  However, mundane or minor, the things you do feel, find that grateful spirit. 

If you have kids, try to lead them into having a heart of thankfulness.  Help direct them to the Throne of God!  Take the time to find a way for you to find a grateful heart and share!

New Adventure for Little Man! (Update)

Hello Everyone!  I hope all is well!

I thought that I would just give you a quick follow-up on a post that I had posted a couple of weeks ago about Little Man and his speech.

Yesterday, he had his initial preschool assessment with the county public schools.  His motor skills and knowledge are right on, but like we had been wondering about, his speech is not quite up to par.  He has problems with his R's, W's, and then S blends; however, that is very common for his age group.  The problem is when he tries to formulate phrases and sentences.

He does very well when he states just one or two words at a time; however, when he goes to formulate larger statements and phrases, his words get mumbled and slurred together leaving one to only understand one or two words out of several words.  It is almost like his tongue can't formulate the words quick enough as he makes a statement.  It's like his tongue can't keep up.

So we have to get some paperwork going and then we are off for two more screenings/tests.  In a few weeks he will have a hearing test performed (state required); however, we are almost fairly certain that he doesn't have a hearing problem.  We believe that this all stems to how he learned how to swallow incorrectly as a baby due to painful acid reflux.  He was unable to use his tongue laterally for a bit; and once in a while when he eats, he still chokes occasionally when he chews his food and swallows incorrectly.  In any regards though, a hearing test will be performed regardless.  He will then have a full on speech evaluation with an actual speech therapist, who will formulate a plan of action.

It will most likely be that he will meet with the speech therapist once a week and will have exercises to perform at home for the rest of the week.  This will add another whole element to our schedules, and places to be, and things to do.  Please pray for us as we adjust. 

We are very thankful, however, to have caught this now.  We are blessed to be able to address it while he is young and in his formative years.  This will be a benefit for him! 

My Summer Survival Guide For 2013

My Summer Survival Guide For 2013:

1.) K.I.S.S (Keep It Simple Stupid) -- I learned this acronym in college; and I realized how important and so true it is just this past summer!  You don't have to make "mommyhood" complicated.  Keep it simple!  Like simple packed lunches for example!

2.) Nobody is handing out prizes to the moms who go ALL OUT with things and efforts for their kiddos!  PLEASE DON'T RAISE YOUR BAR SO HIGH!

3.) It is A-OKAY to sway from nap schedules periodically!

4.) When your house feels small, and the four walls feel like they are closing in all around you, take your kiddos to the pool, park, etc. while also enforcing nap and rest schedules even when your older kiddos insist that they do not need such moments.  You insist that they do, so that everyone can enjoy some peace and quiet, especially the mama!  If you still feel as though you need an escape, but your husband is still at work, go ahead and take a slow walk to the mail box and sit on your front stoop for a bit, even if some of those times you hava your cute adorable infant on your hip!

5.) Take a moment to take a deep breath!

6.) Sometimes its okay to walk away from a fight; however, every once in a while it is okay to defend yourself and your honor from an unfounded accusation!  HOWEVER, when possible, make light of the situation!  (Like purchase a t-shirt that makes you laugh about it too!  And really... truly... this comes from a place of humor and silliness y'all!)

7.) And when you feel that you are about to blow your top in regards to certain situations and/or the behavior of certain individuals (even as cute as they may be), go ahead and start singing "I'm A Little Teapot" to try to defuse the situation!  Your kiddos will love you for it especially when you throw in the hand motions too!

8.) Don't feel guilty about how many mommy breaks (aka bubble bath times) you take.  In the end, the kids will thank you for them, and may be your husband too!

9.) Watch as little news as possible!

10.) Whenever possible, say "thank you" even if it is over and over and over again! ;-)

11.) The beach is fun!  However, breastfeeding your one adorable, but very sandy baby, while on the beach, not so enjoyable.  Take my word for it!  Felt like two hot and sweaty pieces of sandpaper!

12.) There are jellyfish out there that do not sting.

13.) Don't eat buttery, greasy seafood! (Got me again!)  But an occasional night cap at the beach is totally awesome!

14.) And really, truly... with all silliness aside have a thankful heart...

HAPPY END TO THE SUMMER YA'LL!!!

Each Step (Beautiful Walk)

When Scot decided to take our older three children to the movies yesterday, I decided to take Big Mac on a walk at a local park just near our house.  It was a beautiful afternoon; in fact, it was simply gorgeous.  Big Mac had been sick for several days; and I wanted to grab the opportunity to get out of the house, get some fresh air, and to spend some much needed alone time with him. 

I really wanted to jump at the opportunity to spend alone time with him after he gave us quite a scare last week.  He had suffered a Febrile seizure. (A seizure brought on by rapid temperature change, such as a fever as in Big Mac's case.)  Now I know that it can happen y'all, but when you see your own baby/child suffering from one it is a whole other story!  Watching him not being able to breath while convulsing with his eyes fixed and glazed, as his mouth was also fixed slightly open, was totally scary!  His skin color also changed to an awful grey color while his lips turned bluish purple before it was all said and done.  I can't even begin to describe the sound he was making during it.  And after the seizure was all said and done, there was another awful grunting, growling noise that came from him while he laid virtually limp and lifeless for about 15 minutes, with his eyes still fixed open.  Horrible it was, but thankful he is okay.  He went by ambulance to be checked out and observed for a bit as well as to continue to ensure that his high fever, which had gotten up to 105 degrees, came back down.

With that all said, I just wanted to bond with him--just the two of us on a beautiful walk. 

As we did, he was having such a pleasant time in his stroller.  He just cooed and made such sweet baby sounds as he observed our surroundings.  The sun glistened through the trees, birds were chirping and children were playing and so much more.  People made comments about how happy Big Mac was just sitting in his stroller.  He surely was happy!  Little did people know how sick he was just a few days prior.  So as I walked, I just thanked the Lord that Big Mac was healthy and strong.

As we walked, we saw a variety of people; from many walks of life.  With each step I took, I became more and more aware of the people around us.  We came up on this one area--peaceful and tranquil.  It was a dock that looked over a little pond.  I wanted to show Big Mac the turtles so I lifted him up out of his stroller.  I started to get a better look at the two individuals sitting just near us on two separate benches.  One was a grey haired lady looking sad and lonely.  I could tell that she had been in deep thought as I could see that she had what appeared to be a journal in her hands.  She looked up at us blankly almost with some sadness in her eyes.  To the left of her was a young man who looked warn and haggard for his age.  His facial hair was long and he had a cigarette to his lips.  He had two books with him as well.  I made our visit with the turtles brief as I wanted to respect the time of reflection for both individuals. 

As we left, I took another glance at the young man who looked like he had lived life well beyond his young years.  He looked low and stressed.  As we moved passed, I noticed part of the title of the book on his lap.  It read "Learning to Let Go."  Right then my heart went out to him.  Back in the day, I would have just been annoyed with his second hand smoke, and wondered if he was a bum; however, something has changed with in me.  I began to pray for him and the older lady who sat just near by.  I prayed for their hearts and their sadness.  I knew that God knew their full story.  With each step I took, I prayed.  I prayed for the sick and the broken hearted.  Prayed for the grieving.  I prayed.

You see over the last several months, I have realized that we all have our own stories to tell.  We have our own trials and heartaches.  We are who we are today because of where we have been.  Just because my heart doesn't necessarily break one day, doesn't mean that someone else's is not.  Perhaps I have become more empathetic.  Over the last couple of years, especially with in the last six months, I have been made aware of so many people in need of prayer and compassion.  I have also been made aware that everyone grieves and feels differently, and thus, reacts to life triggers differently, which is okay.  They are entitled to do so...  Take a step out of your shoes for a moment and pray for others.  Even those you don't know. 

I think that is the beauty of our Christian faith--prayer and compassion, for the needy, the sick, and brokenhearted even to the ones we don't know.  

Update (It Has Been A Long Time!)

Wow!  It has been a long time since I have written an update, which is a blessing!  However, I thought I would let you know what is going on in our lives currently, especially pertaining to that of Little Man.

It looks like we are going to be getting Little Man's speech evaluated.  Scot and I had been wondering if Little Man's speech has been where it should be for his age.  After discussing some things over with our pediatrician, discussing it amongst ourselves, and after speaking with Scot's mom this past week, who has spent many years in education, and who also had an afternoon enjoying our children's company and observing Little Man's speech, we have decided to get Little Man's speech evaluated.

At the beginning of summer, our pediatrician and I had discussed it.  Knowing that Little Man had learned to swallow food incorrectly as an infant, and that Little Man has had problems in the past using his tongue laterally, we thought it may be best to get his speech checked out.  However, with in two weeks of that conversation, his speech improved some, so I put a halt on it, because I thought that he may just need more time. 

Well, after I asked Scot's mom for her opinion last week, because I value her opinion since she has spent years working with children, I have realized that we should go for the speech evaluation. She commented that while knowing that he has had problems using his tongue incorrectly in the past, it wouldn't hurt to get him evaluated now.  Then I thought about how it would be easier to fix speech problems earlier on in life rather than later.  She also made the point that it wouldn't hurt to check him out especially if it is free through our county.  She agreed that his speech is a little off, but she also said some kids go through a short time of poorer speech, but many grow out of it.  With Little Man though, knowing there has been problems, just simply placing him in preschool may or may not do the trick.

So we are off on another adventure.  I will let you know how it turns out, and what, and if, anything is determined.  I will be calling to schedule the evaluation this week.  Little Man will be going to a two-day preschool program this Fall for which he is very excited about!    

The girls are doing great and are getting ready to return to school.  Sky Baby will be doing soccer again this year, and Crazy Paizy was just registered today for a new dance class for this upcoming school year!  She will be doing tap/jazz!  Big Mac is doing great!  He is a mover and a shaker; and is absolutely enjoying experiencing new things and skills!  I am looking forward to spending some alone time with him this school year!

My Journal Entries

So I decided about two weeks ago that it was time to take a different approach with my journal entries.  As many people, my journals are filled with writings that express how I feel about certain events and such in my life.  They could be entries filled with joy, hope, inspiration, sadness, sorrow, grief, longing, etc.  Lately, however, I discovered that my journal entries comprised mainly that of anger, discontent, sadness, and a variety of other disparaging thoughts.

While my writings also included glimpses of profound thought and hopeful revelation, it was beginning to become far and in between.  Writing used to make me feel better about situations.  God would use it to help me grow spiritually; but my emotions had taken a foothold.  Writing in my journal didn't provide me any solace anymore.  In fact, I started feeling worse as I wrote, which writing used to have the opposite affect.  This needed to change.

While I have had my reasons to be upset and hurt, continually writing down my negative feelings wasn't getting me anywhere either.  What I was writing was not something I wanted to reflect upon years down the road.  Continually harping on hurt feelings and negative situations was just leaving me all the more bitter, resulting in fruitless thoughts and actions that got me absolutely no where, but feeling worse.

So I decided to take a different spin on how I wrote in my journal, for which I am already noticing the positive affects.  I decided that each day, I would take a few minutes to list and reflect upon five things that I was thankful and grateful for that day.  This could be a range of things.  Anywhere from how my kids made me laugh so hard at dinner one night to how flowers that I thought had died in my flower bed and bloomed again!  Wherever and whenever there was a positive, I would list it and hang on to it!  After about two weeks, I am having some problems keeping it to only five items!  Sometimes you will see some bonus positives thrown in there!

Also, to help combat my low self esteem that has crept into my life recently, I have also decided to list three things that I did right and/or good things about myself.  I am still working on myself image, but I am doing better to end my evening thinking positive things about myself rather than the negatives like I so often do. 

I am taking more joy in my journal entries again.  They are providing me with more hope and spiritual well-being than they have in a while, which is a good thing!  I look forward to not only writing in my journal again, but going back and reading them in the future!

Running Therapy

I have been trying to get back into a workout routine now that Big Mac is getting older.  I have worked out a few times in the last few weeks.  Getting back into a good routine has been a little difficult, but I am trying. 

I have been discovering that my favorite workout and exercise has been running.  There has just been something about it that just rejuvenates me both physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I am by no means a great runner.  In fact, when I played collegiate volleyball, my coach's mile and a half required run during spring training was not my favorite thing to do.  I had no problem with the short sprints.  They could be brutal at times but they were quick; however, there was something about the longer runs that got to me.  May be I was less focused, or something, but now times I have changed. 

It feels so good to accomplish something.  It especially feels good when you have pushed yourself to go the distance; to make and obtain running goals.  There is also something about feeling your muscles tight and firm when running.  The ache and sweat feels physically good to me.  Running releases endorphins that just kick start my day and energy.  It is like my healthy version of caffeine, which is way better for you by the way! 

As I have been getting out and running more, I have discovered something that works for me when I am running.  I don't know if this is true for anyone else, but it is definitely true for me.  Sometimes when I am running, I get caught looking just a few short steps ahead of me, which makes me actually slow up and almost feel like I could trip over me feet.  I do much better running with speed, agility, and stamina when I look ahead.  It is so easy to get caught up by where I am at, and not where I am headed.

As I was running one morning after I had a few frustrating things on my mind (those frustrating things actually are what I used to help me get out of the door one warm Saturday morning), I applied what I had learned during my runs to that of my own life.  As I have stated in previous posts, I have had a lot of things going on with in the last several months.  With out going into too much detail, just know that I have been through a great deal and have been hurt.  However, I have been spending so much time just looking at the current situations and dwelling about them that I haven't taken the time to look up ahead.  God has a plan and can use anything for his glory.  Dwelling about the negatives in my life were just bringing me lower and making me unbalanced.  I was spending more time worrying about where I was currently than trusting that God had a plan, and that he would see me through and that there was light ahead. 

As I have learned running, lift your eyes from your current situation and surroundings, and focus your eyes ahead to what God has for you.  You will have more strength and run faster.  Perhaps as you look ahead, the low time in your life won't be as low for as long.  Fix your eyes upon Jesus and the Cross, for strength and endurance to overcome the trial you may face, and to see the positives the trial can bring. 

I like this picture above for a couple of reasons.  I think it demonstrates what I am trying to say.  The path is winding.  It isn't straight.  The path isn't always going to be a smooth and straight line, but it is the path that God has laid out before us.  Secondly, where the kids are running is a little shaded and darker, but if you look ahead there is light, which demonstrates why we need to lift our eyes ahead upon Him and trust Him.

Not Always What They Seem

As I learned a few weeks ago--some things are not always what they seem.  Yep, there could be so much more involved than what is originally believed.  There is a greater God who is moving pieces of life around.  Sometimes we are not privy to see them while other times we get to see what pieces He chooses to move and why as I did recently. 

I had a small list of things to get from a local area craft supply store.  I kissed all of my kiddos, grabbed the keys, and jumped into the car, and headed out with out thinking much else about it.  Our neighborhood has two entrances, with one of those entrances having a traffic light.  I stopped at the red light and waited for the light to change.  As the light changed to green, I surveyed the intersection and was about to travel further into the intersection when I was forced to stop as the on coming driver from across the way did not have an indicator on to signal which way through the intersection she was planning to go. 

To avoid an accident, I had to wait for her to make up her mind; however, she was rather slow and distracted by her cell phone, which irritated me.  As I grew frustrated, I watched for her next move.  As she finally turned on her indicator, I rolled forward, but then I watched her abruptly stop.  Therefore, I came to a quick stop too thanks to her actions.  To my right, I noticed a vehicle coming quick.  The young lady of that vehicle flew through the intersection with out so much as applying her brakes.  She did not just blow the red light, but obliterated it, as it had been green for a time.  I do not believe that driver had a clue what she did.  I honestly, think her mind was somewhere else entirely besides driving.

A few things to mention here.  First, the other driver, as annoying as her actions were, probably helped us live because we both, especially me, would have been creamed bad!  We would have been in the intersection when the other car would have blown through it.  The accident would have most definitely injured us, especially as I would have been broadsided by another vehicle moving at a high rate of speed.  Secondly, don't live by the belief that you can do anything you want such as talking on a cell phone while driving, because it can be like playing Russian roulette and dangerous with out always having a positive outcome as it did here; however, God can and does use anything.  Thirdly, the young girl who blew the light, didn't have a clue to how close to death she was as God protected her as well from a tragic outcome.

Therefore, with that said, don't take things for granted.  Even something that may appear annoying and slows you up may be for your benefit and for your own good, or for that of somebody else. You never know how God may be steering your life as well as someone else's, so we need to give thanks to God in all things--the seen and unseen.  I just can't drive that point home enough right now.

Angel Babies

So when I started out writing this post, it had an entirely different feeling and an entirely different approach; however, as I was starting to quote statistics, details, and more, my approach changed.  It would have left one feeling angry and/or hopeless.  My heart softened a little if you can believe that especially in regards to the subject matter.  In many ways you have Big Mac and his exhausted tears to thank as I had to remove myself from the computer to attend to him this morning, which gave me the time to rethink my approach and feelings.

I have found myself becoming very passionate about the wrongs of abortion, and how absolutely horrible it is, and how heartbreaking it is truly is for me and for this nation.  Although I disagree with abortion whole-heartedly; and my heart absolutely breaks for the babies who have been senselessly killed; and as I disagree with our President and many leaders as well as many aspects of Planned Parenting as I have learned more about that organization and their funding, I have to let go some of the ache and emotion too.

The methods to kill these babies are horrific, I have researched them.  They die like animals.  Actually, veterinarians allow cats and dogs to die a more humane death than all of these babies have and will endure; however, I will not list the methods on this blog to prove that point, because that is not the purpose of this blog. 

The fact is this, although approximately 1.1 million babies will be aborted in the U.S. this year alone and out of that number some will survive the abortion only to be left to die a painful death alone, it is not my sin to bare.  Although I plan on getting more involved a few years down the road when my kids have grown just a bit more, and especially in one specific area and how it can pertain to adoption, in many respects I was not made to carry this burden.  I was not made to carry the sins of so many others.  This is far too big and great for me.  I need to allow God to hold them accountable for their own sins and their own part.  Just the weight of my own sins alone is just too much for me to bear, much less carrying that of others and trying to be their judge.  Only God can redeem and make right.  And He can and WILL make it right.  He can and WILL make right...

God Bless all those precious Angel Babies. 

Have A Blessed Day!

So as my life has been in what feels like one big shadow lately, I decided a few weeks ago as I had been reminded to return to a grateful and thankful heart, that I needed to not only find the glimpses of the sunlight for me and my family, but for others as well.  One of the ways I decided to do this was to post differently on FB for a bit, and to put up inspiring pictures when possible; however, I decided that I would also make other attempts beyond my social media world and direct social groups.  I wanted to bless strangers as well.

So what I started doing was to end my interactions with people in everyday life such as over the phone, the check out counter, the sales rep, with "have a blessed day."  I have started to say this to a wide variety of people; and to see them pause, and their face light up has lifted me up!  Not every time that I say it, does it get a nice noticeable response, but a majority of the time it does! 

I have had people looking low and down, and just appearing to be going through the motions, stop, look up at me, and smile as if they needed to know that someone out there cared.  And then it looks like joy returned to there life at that moment.  So many people we interact with are people like you and me.  They may be at the cash rep or behind a desk somewhere with so many things on their mind.  They are sinners facing troubles like the rest of us.  You never know who may be walking in the parking lot fight tears back and struggling with pain--physical or emotional pain and trouble.  May be your friendly remark is what at least one person needs to hear that day!

Many people we casually pass during our day needs something--a reminder that they are not alone--and may be you are that reminder to let them know that life is not as dark as it seems!  I challenge you to start using your words thoughtfully.  Choose to give people the glimpse of the sun on what might otherwise be a dark day for them. And just because someone is already smiling doesn't mean that person isn't hurting either!

PLEASE TAKE UP THE CHALLENGE!!  

At The Top Of The Hill

Life just hasn't been easy lately.  I have been blessed by so much, but choices and circumstances have left me down trodden while trying to cope.  On a side note, I did see my OBGYN this week, who after discussing things with me and such, doesn't believe that I am suffering from postpartum depression.  On the contrary, with all things considering, and with the circumstances that I have found myself in lately while being a mom of four with one of those being an infant, I am handling things fairly well.  Life just has sort of been that crappie lately, and she believes that I have just been reacting to those events.

So with that said, and as I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had to find the positives in each day and to be thankful in all things.  In the dark times, I have realized that although I feel like I am in a pit waiting for the strength and help to climb out so to speak, God hasn't forgotten me nor my family; and He has provided glimpses of that throughout the last several weeks/months.

For instance, a few weeks ago, Scot had Lasik surgery performed about an hour away from here in pretty C'ville.  For various reasons, I was so excited and blessed that Scot let the boys and I drive him up there and back one weekday morning.  This brightened my day that I was able to help him out in this way as his wife.  The night before, we checked the weather and located some parks with in just a mile or so from the center for which Scot was going to have the procedures performed.  We had a game plan with the nice weather that had been predicted.  I grabbed cars and trucks for Little Man as well as some crayons and a coloring book, snacks, and more to enjoy time at the park with the boys while Scot had the procedure done.

It felt like a well thought out plan!  The next morning we dropped the girls off at school and headed up the road.  As we got closer and closer to our destination, however, the clouds grew all the more thicker and thicker.  As we arrived in C'ville, rain began to fall from the dark, grey clouds.  This was a bit of a bummer, but I was determined to do this with out complaint and make it all work out! 

The boys and I dropped off Scot and proceeded to try to find a fast food restaurant that had a play set.  To my dismay, however, out of the three to four fast food chains in this one general area, not one of them included a play set.  My heart sank as the rain showers continued; but I decided that if I could find a shelter/pavilion at one of the parks, we could make that work regardless.  After all, I did bring coloring items. 

I quickly found one of the local parks.  It had two picnic shelters and one included restrooms, which was a totally awesome find as I was in desperate need of some!  In the rain, I gathered the boys and we first rushed into the restrooms.  Finally, I thought I could catch my breath and enjoy the time with the boys, and I was happy that my third option had worked.  As we finished up inside the restrooms, however, I became more and more aware of some park maintenance workers who had also decided to seek shelter from the rain.  This rather displeased me some, but I still thought that we could make it work.

As the rain subsided, I sent Little Man onto the playground after secluding him inside of the van for a short time as I fed and nursed Big Mac with the men just only a few short yards from us.  They were very much aware of me as I them.  Little Man started to play on the playground when it began to rain again, so as the men were taking up shelter in the pavilion that I had deemed for us, but now had decided it was unfit for us, I did what any other mom trying to save what plans and expectations that she had for the day would do.  I handed Little Man an umbrella and told him to enjoy, for which one elderly man proceeded to tell me that he found that to be silly on a wet playground and a wet slide.  Let's just say my response to him was not that of the patient virtue kind, but one of annoyance of how others seem to take it upon themselves to judge others and making that judgment be known!

As we were there, I realized that another whole group of men had arrived to do something at the baseball field there.  Let's just say I was one mom with two of her children at a park all by her lonesome with about 10+ men.  I began to feel very uncomfortable with the situation and very discouraged about how all my attempts to make this a blessed time was appearing to be failing.  I felt like Satin was most definitely trying to take my joy away.  I began to pray right there to myself on the playground.  I asked God to protect us and I asked Him if I should retreat for our safety.  I even told Him that I was discouraged.

Right after I had prayed, and as I was about to give-up and call it quits, do you know what appeared up and over the hill from where we were?  A police officer in his cruiser!  And he remained at the top of the hill until all the men had dispersed and continued on their way, and just as I got the call that Scot was done with his Lasik surgery!  What a blessing and an answer to prayer!  God showed me that He was watching everything, and that He was in control.  He wanted me to see His goodness in that way that day.  And my eyes were at a point of seeing it and taking note.  Perfect timing!  Little did that officer know that he was used as a tool more ways than just one that day.  God kept me and the boys safe as He showed us one of His many blessings!

Keep your eyes open to see God's goodness! 

God is good y'all!!!!!! 

An Invitation To Have A Different Perspective

So one of my sisters is pregnant, and she is pregnant with my first nephew that I will refer to on here as Peanut!  Anyways, this will be the very first baby shower that I will have ever thrown for anyone, and I have been excited about it!  I have been so excited to plan it; however, the first bit of planning didn't quite go as planned, and then I realized how I needed to redirect things in my heart.

When I heard of my sister's pregnancy, right away I thought about her baby shower.  My other sisters wanted to chip in with the planning too; but for various reasons, it was sort of agreed upon and/or understood that I would do the majority of the planning, well at least in the beginning anyways.  With my sister's guest list, I realized my little house just wasn't going to do for such an event.  I knew I was going to have to plan to find a location to use and rent. 

I had Big Mac's baptism to plan and coordinate, as well as I had a few other things going on, so I do have to admit that I perhaps didn't start the hunt for a location, during the height of wedding season, for which I had completely forgotten about, as early as may be I should have.  However, I still started the hunt relatively early.  Well, after two weeks of calling and emailing various places, I realized that my hunt for a location was not going so well.  Every place, rec center, winery, reception hall, restaurant that I called were booked.  I did find one location available, but lets just say it wasn't in the best area of town and it did not seem suitable for a baby shower.  Felt horrible at the fact that I may have screwed up.  I started to worry about how this baby shower was going to come together.  Sadly, I began to stress out about what I thought would be so much fun to plan.  Luckily, God had plans and I had to trust that the perfect location would pop up, and as soon as another location informed me that they were booked, my church called to let me know that our Fellowship Hall was available, for which I totally jumped on!

So with the location chosen it, was time to work on invites.  Let's just say that shopping around for baby invitations was a little frustrating as I found many of the baby shower themes out there tacky, or I felt that they were totally not my sister!  But finally, I found an invitation that I loved for which inspired the theme and decor!

Phew!  Now it was time to work on the invitations and mail them out.  Little did I know what a task that would become for me.  The week that I needed to get the invitations out was the week poor Big Mac came down with a nasty cold virus and was more needy and whiny than usual.  He also slept very poorly that week.  And when I type poorly, I mean poorly!  I mean bad!  For example, one night the poor guy was awake crying, coughing and being all kinds of congested from 10:30 PM to 5:15 AM.  No joke!  So I was very sleep deprived to say the least, which also made working on invitations difficult.  I could only work on a little bit here and there when Big Mac and life would let me!  Also, when I sat down to write out the invites, the pens I had planned to use didn't work!  Not even the new one!  I had to make a dash to the store to get new ones, which ended up to be a good thing because in the end, I liked the new ink color better!  Then there was a problem with the stamps.  Scot had ordered me nice, pretty stamps from the post office to use.  They were only supposed to take 2 business days to arrive from the post office delivered by the post office.  They didn't arrive in a timely fashion.  After a few days went by, I was forced to go to a local branch to get new stamps and I had to put stamps on about 26 or so invitations in the van with all four of my kiddos waiting so that I could mail them all at the post office since they were not being mailed in what I believed, was a timely manner.

I had found myself becoming more and more frustrated about how everything was going as I was trying to plan the baby shower.  I got irritated with things, such as the post office who finally delivered the stamps 3 days late! Anyways, I started to make the shower about me and my problems by thinking things like Will everyone like the location? Will they wish I sent the invites out earlier?  Will S like her shower?  Will I disappoint anyone?  Is this how the whole planning will go?

Finally, something popped in my head as I felt discouraged and worried about the shower.  And I am not even sure that it would have even popped into my head if it wasn't for the fact that just a week or two prior God reminded me how I needed to find the positives and to thank Him in everything.  Yep, I stopped and did something I hadn't done yet, and it changed my whole perspective, for which joy and excitement returned.  I started to thank God for my sister, her baby and her husband.  I prayed for the pregnancy.  I thanked Him for the opportunity that I had to plan a shower for such special people and for such a precious reason.  And with that my whole perspective changed.  The baby shower planning wasn't about me anymore; but it was back where it was supposed to have been the whole time--my sister, Peanut, and her husband.  God is good ya'll!

A Thankful Heart (In ALL Things)

It didn't even dawn on me until last week that I may have been battling with some postpartum depression the last few weeks.  It only occurred to me after my friend and hairstylist, A, along with my sister, chimed in together and mentioned it.  The two of them almost chimed in together at the same time that they believed that what I have been experiencing lately, could be due to some postpartum depression.  It surprised me that I had not come to that realization myself.  I have always fought a little bout of it after each pregnancy; however, it never became too bad and it wasn't to the degree that I have had this go round.  I think I had a few things that set things in motion for a harder go at it this time round too though.

After all my previous pregnancies, you could find me crying while sitting in front of the television after hearing about a baby/child in some of kind of crisis.  And I mean, I would weep over the children.   I have always been empathetic and sensitive about how others are feeling through out my whole life; however, during the postpartum times in my life, they are heightened to the 10th degree just about.  Scot helped me realize that the news and other such shows I should stay away from especially after just having a baby; and that has helped a great deal, but this time however, simply avoiding the news didn't help me for various reasons.

First, I was dealing with some of the hardest relationship issues that I have ever had to deal with to date.  I was fearing of losing a relationship that was near and dear to me, while knowing at some point that another relationship had to go (for which that relationship recently did fall apart and almost exactly the way I thought that it would).  During the highest point of turmoil and stress, I ended up losing about 15 pounds in just a matter of days.  I think my body is still trying to adjust to that rapid and unexpected weight loss while nursing my infant.  I was almost at an utter loss in the whole situation.

I do believe that the Sandy Hook tragedy was perhaps one of the largest catalyst for me and postpartum.  I do admit that I did briefly have the news on that afternoon when the news broke of the heart-breaking tragedy.  I had two bites of my lunch and could not eat the rest when I heard of it.  I have grieved over those victims and have been broken hearted for their families.  I have gone to God in prayer over them.  However, I think the  sting of it all was just a bit too deep for someone like me, and it brought me to a low place.  With that and hormones involved, it just continued my spiral to a very low place.

With everything going on, and having the lack of sleep that most moms experience when they have a new baby in the house, your mind just plays nasty games with you on top of everything else one is going through at the time.  You compile that with not getting a moment to sit and rest, it can just spell trouble in a ways.  I had already been feeling that there, physically, was not enough of me to go around for all my kids and husband and such.  (I have to say that some of those feelings have toned down a bit now.)  Anyways, I started saying awful things about myself such as you are a terrible mom; you are a terrible wife; and worst of all, that I hated my life.  Then I would spend more time thinking about how terrible of a person I was for thinking that way, especially just after having my fourth blessing--my fourth child... and hence my four children.  I would battle these thoughts inside; but felt like I got no where except only to become all the more physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  I also felt more alone and isolated.

Then to add to it all, I started to experience the worst postpartum hair loss ever; and when you couple that with everything else, I just felt so icky about myself.  My hairstylist believes that hormones and stress caused the larger than normal postpartum hair loss.  Last week, she helped me feel better about myself and showed me how to wear my hair accordingly after she gave me a new hairstyle to help and she told me some things I could do to help prevent further hair loss, and how to start allowing new hair to grow back hopefully.  I felt a bit pampered that evening in some regards, and I left feeling better than I had been about myself in weeks. 

That night, however, I had realized that an infant baby girl was losing her battle with a brain injury she received when she suffered severe oxygen loss when the placenta sadly ruptured.  Through Facebook, I had found out about the baby early last week, and I was struck by her parents through it all.  I, along with many, had been praying for a miracle--a miracle of healing.  And as I realized that God's healing was going to be different than what we all were hoping and praying for, my heart began to break once again.  I kept checking FB to see of any updates about the little baby.  My sister, after observing this, pointed out that I had replaced the news with FB instead.  And she was right.  FB has a major doubled-edged sword.  It is great to see some things and to hear other updates, but it sets you up to see other things that can fan the flames in other areas of your life so to speak.  I told her through various social circles (even outside of the world of FB), I had heard and been praying for four children ranging from 1 and 1/2 years of age to an unborn baby.  And two of those children had already gone to be with the their Heavenly Father while the other two looked like they would too meet healing in the arms of their Heavenly Father; and I told her, how I just wanted to hear of a miracle again.  I told her that I wanted to feel the warm light in what seemed like a sea of darkness.

Well, I started to do what I saw the parents of the baby girl do on FB.  They found thankfulness and blessings in everything they could and in almost every update they gave about their daughter, even when their daughter reached healing in her Lord's arms.  I wanted to be like that again... I used to be but I had lost it!  I had learned that when Skye was in the hospital to find joy and blessing in everything!  It just had become complacent in my life for a bit.  And so the next morning after I saw my hairstylist and my sis, I started thanking God in ALL things again!  I am starting to feel joy again!  I know that it has been a week's time, but I feel much better than where I had been.  I started to look up and out of my pit again!

I have spent just about the last 7 days, praying and thanking God through out my whole day!  I even thanked God for Big Mac's huge diaper explosion.  Yep!  I thanked God for my son's poop!  There are people out there that would give almost anything to have their child with them.  They want to have the experience of cleaning up the largest poop explosions as I had done the other day! 

Thank the Lord for the toilet you are cleaning, because you have a family to clean up after.  Thank the Lord for the car that broke down today, because at least you have a car to drive at all!  Thank the Lord for your two-year-old's temper tan trims, because you are blessed to have your child in your life at all!  Thank the Lord for the rain, snow, etc.  If you are single, thank the Lord that you are at a time in your life that you are free to be you!  Whatever it is, be thankful!  Have a thankful heart in ALL things.  Your pit at times is just that--a pit--you can make the choice to get out of it.  When you start being thankful, you start realizing that God has been there all along and you can see the blessings; and joy can and will return!

I have made a few lifestyle changes as well.  I don't watch the news.  Actually, I have not watched the news for the last several weeks now, and I only watch one ten minute local blurb that includes morning traffic and weather.  I watch less TV in general now too.  I find my stomach turns with watching some of the crap and pettiness on television.  I rather scrapbook and such than sit and watch junk.  I have begun to limit how many times I get on FB too, and I guard myself in what I take the time to look at while on there.  I have also chosen to post differently on FB as well for the time being.  I may start taking my camera and snapping pics even more than I do already, and I may post some on my wall as well!  I want people to catch the wave of a thankful and joyful spirit who relies on God even on a damp, cloudy, and cold day!  I want people to start seeing the blessings and to start realizing that God doesn't want them to go it alone.  Use His strength to move on through life and whatever trials may come!

This picture spoke to me when I started making some changes in my heart, and how I choose to approach things in my life. 

Enter his gates with thanksigiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100:4-5)

(I am doing this in memory of MJ and the other children too!)