The Purple Swimsuit With the Black Hearts

Well, I hinted about this next topic in my last post.  I have been so very busy to actually get on and write about it though; and have been wondering how to write about it.  This is the first free weekend, well besides for a soccer game tomorrow, that we have had in SEVERAL weeks and so I decided to take advantage of the start of this weekend and try to write as best as I can about this topic on this here TGIF!  So here it goes...

Anyways... a door has opened that Scot and I would have preferred to stay closed; and no matter how many times I started to see it crack right on open, I wanted to slam it shut.  When you have three to four kids like us, it really does feel like sometimes you overcome one parental challenge or concern (such as Little Man's kidneys), just to head right into another. OR they coincide together, which in several cases this one has crashed right on in the midst of other concerns (Little Man's kidneys and Mac's early health in utero, just to give you an idea).  This one has been coming on slowly for the last two years, and when I saw it coming, I pretty much battled with how to respond to it or even react to it.  I fear that my reactions about it at first were a bit well...think...think... what is a good description...hum well unbecoming and nonfunctional as a mom, which was not at all helpful to my child.  It would almost cripple me to watch her, which I will explain that statement as I dive into this a little further shortly.

Again, we have been dealing with this for quite sometime now, but it has really roared its big nasty self with in the last few months.  I have wanted to share about it, but had some reservations too at the same time.  Primarily, I didn't want others to react certain ways or treat one of my children differently than I would like or they deserve; however, if sharing our experiences can help another parent or individual who is or has experienced the same thing than I am more than willing to share it with the hopes of encouraging others.  I am not going to share with you all which child I am exactly talking about at this time, but through some of the details some of you all who know us will be able to guess, while others close to us already know.

I hinted about this in a post several, several months ago--may have been a year ago or so.  True, sometimes I write things in such a way that can make light of a darker situation or can be left up to the reader to decide the emotions behind the words, but what one feed back I received about that post threw me for a loop.  The other person told me that it was funny and it made her laugh.  I was taken a back by those remarks because at the end of the day, I did not believe at all that the content for which I wrote was funny and it had taken me a while to muster up the strength to write about it (if you are curious you can read OCD, the Kids and Me).

Anyways, I have battled most of my life with OCD tendencies and although I have never been diagnosed as such because well I have never gone to see anyone and I have learned to overcome many of its obstacles, my case is very mild compared to many out there but it is still very much present in my life.  When life feels like it is out of control for me, I find ways to find something to control or do; and they can be pretty random and bizarre to some peoplw if they knew the content of some of these random things I do.  Also, I can be quite the hand washer when it comes down to it.  Me and the fear of germs can get some nasty battles going.  My mom and dad would notice me at a very young age and up into my teens how absolutely raw I would make my hands by my constantly washing them.  I also experienced other symptoms as well but I won't indulge on all of them today.  Just know that I have been battling it since I was a little girl.

What I also battled was some anxiety issues and minor attacks as well growing up and even to this very day.  I have made great big strides overcoming many of these moments and attacks but they are still a part of my life as I have had to use various coping techniques to calm myself down for and on various occasions.  Sometimes I will be okay one instance, but if the same thing should occur again on another day, with one different variable added or deleted in that given day, I could have a completely different reaction.  There are so many variables that could trigger a minor episode. 

I remember a specific time when I was little that I had one such moment/trigger.  It was the very moment that I realized I was going to have to fight to get past these anxiety moments with every part of my being.  We had all finished a breakfast of sweet rolls goodness.  I was feeling great and I was a happy go lucky girl when my dad announced that it was time to get into our swimsuits to swim later on at our county's recreation center inside pool.  Either because my dad said it all as a surprise (which he probably had done so because previous experiences with me would almost leave him no choice because upset tummy and little to no eating would occur when I knew something fun was coming would almost always certainly occur) or because of little sleep that night (who knows), I went straight into an anxiety attack of sorts even though I had been to that pool on countless occasions before.  As I saw my sisters dancing about with excitement and joy, my composure and countenance drastically changed.  I wanted to stay at home safe and sound.  Could have been butterflies or nerves or a mixture of both, but I proceeded to go into the bathroom and "up-chuck" my breakfast.  I came out to my dad crying and telling him that I couldn't go because I was sick, when he proceeded to kneel down in front of me and in a stern voice replied, "You are NOT sick. Now go get your swimsuit on." Now I can't describe the look on his face and in his eyes when he said that, but it was a totally profound moment for me.  Very profound for me.  I had to use every ounce of strength with in to overcome my anxiety and put my favorite swimsuit on--the purple swimsuit with the black hearts all over it with the little tiny skirt.  (Scot laughs at me because you know when it is a profound moment in my life if I can tell you what I was wearing, which is common practice for me!)  Even when we got to the pool, it took me a long time to get in and enjoy myself as I watched my sisters play.  I struggled with the realization that a lot of my problems and tummy aches and fears were because of me and what would go on in my head.  I wanted to be care free like my sisters.

And hence what I feel now but as a mom looking into the situation--I want my daughter to live life as care free as other children her own age do; and it absolutely pains me when I see the fun of life literally drain out of her as other kids play and have fun.  Watching your child go stark white with nerves and anxiety and observing her lips go almost blue and her eyes become glazed over in almost a painful trance especially when such moments occurs at various places and events when she is surrounded by other children who are as care free as the wind, it utterly breaks my heart.  Seeing her get up constantly to excuse herself to go to the restroom to either breath, attempt to get sick, or cry is simply dreadful to watch.  No child should go through that, but there are many who do.

We saw this slowly coming on over a long period of time and when I saw it coming I became fearful.  I had feared that one of my children would develop anxiety issues as I had done and still battle to this day.  I had prayed against it but God had different plans and I have to trust Him about it now.  Sometimes God has other plans and He will not always answer your prayers in the way that you would prefer.  Observing something come over her as you watch the zest and fun of life that she normally has get sucked right on out of her is awful and hard to watch.  Seeing fear over take her and sometimes witnessing her breathing change, I can become overwhelmed watching her because I feel as though it is my fault in a way (may be some of this behavior is learned from being around me) and then I have to fight my own anxieties too as I watch her.

When I had confessed to someone that I have had tendencies, especially at the beginning, of getting angry at my daughter when I would see another episode coming on and not always understanding the trigger for which had set her off, she scolded me and told me I shouldn't.  I know that I shouldn't have, but as you experience everything that we were at the time and when you have anxiety issues and attacks of your own, becoming helpless in the situation would sometimes be out of your control as you learned to cope and deal.

I don't get angry at my daughter anymore.  Sometimes I get frustrated and sometimes I am forced to get stern with her, however, yelling or in near tears myself is not what I resort to do anymore.  Do I cry about it when she is in the other room or sometimes at night in my own bed if we have had a few bad days????  You betcha!  But she and I are learning to deal, so is Scot, her dad as well.

She has good days and bad days.  Good months and bad months.  It all depends.  Sometimes we are busy trying to figure out her triggers, and coping techniques, and how to prevent some attacks; but sometimes such anxiety issues as these, are hard to solve as they are all so often times irrational.  She doesn't always like to talk to us about it, so until she does, sometimes we are left just holding the pieces and moving on.  Sometimes we have to just march on as we tell her that we cannot help her unless she opens up to us about them.  So many facets involved; and so many elements.  What has worked for me doesn't necessarily mean its going to work for her.

I know that God is in this with us though; and that He does have a plan and He is in control because of some of the things we have witnessed lately.  Like her teacher for example.  After having two episodes at school, her teacher called me one Sunday evening.  She wanted to help out as best as she could to help ease my daughter at school.  We talked at length as I learned that she too is a mother who has had a daughter who has suffered from some problems with anxiety.  It was nice to talk to another mom who knew where I was coming from.  What a better way to have this school year go than with a teacher who understands and has dealt with it in her family as well.  What a relief!  And we also came up with a small plan too, which so far seems to have worked.  I have also gotten to know another mom on my street whose daughter experiences huge anxiety attacks.  L and I have connected in the fact that we feel like we can talk to each other about our experiences and not get judged or feel that our kids are being judged.

So we have our hits and misses. Sometimes outings are great! Sometimes we have countless good weeks! And other times we have challenges and have to push her. BUT we are going to keep going and not slow down life and not make the effort to do fun things and such. We will push forward and onward for her. It is the best thing for not only her but for us as well.

And so that is where we are at right now.  I have found one thing that has helped my daughter calm down from an episode.  And that is when I look straight into her eyes and I tell her, "Take deep breaths. You are fine. You will be okay.  I know how you are feeling because I used to act the same way and sometimes I still do." Her face lightens up as she realizes she is not alone in this.