Sweet Joy

Sadly, about 2 weeks ago, my friend lost her unborn baby girl at 24 weeks. Sweet Lacey Joy went to be with her Lord.



Now I am not generally one of those Christians who is able to quickly see God's work and comfort in time of mourning and sorrow as a result of the loss of a loved one, especially that of baby and child. I much rather have them here in the flesh.



I rather have seen my friend hold her baby than to see her cry over the loss of her loved one. I much rather have gone to visit my friend and hold her newborn daughter rather than attend the memorial service that was held in her honor. I much rather have prepared a meal for my friend and her family in celebration of new life than to have prepared a meal for my friend and her family as they grieve the loss of their loved one.



I often have my blinders on in such times and questioning God. But unfortunately because of sin in this world we have to journey through such valleys. HOWEVER, as Lacey Joy's life was short, I know that God was there as soon as she entered this world and He was there with her as soon as she departed this world. She was never alone. And as I think about Lacey, all she ever knew was the warmth of her mother's body and the beat of her mother's heart. She knew not the sin of this world.

And for the first time in my life, I have been able to see God use death for His glory. I have seen things in the last few weeks that no one can tell me that it wasn't God working and that God doesn't exist. In fact, God exists. I have seen sorrow and joy all at the same time. I will always remember Lacey Joy. Even though her life was so short and brief, she had a purpose. God loves her. And as difficult as it is, I do know that my friend and her husband will someday see their daughter once again.

God Bless Sweet Lacey Joy.

I Grabbed a Hammer, Nails and Some Boards

Early last week, when a door started to open--a door that I rather have stayed closed up nice and tight with a heavy dresser in front of it--I went into total panic mode. When the door knob started to turn ever so slowly and I heard the creak from the door hinges, I ran to the door trying to close it. When merely shutting the door didn't keep it closed, I went to lock it instead. I jumped quickly for the door as if I was a little girl again playing tag with my sisters, deciding to run to the safety of a room by closing the door behind me and quickly turning around to lock it so that I could remain in its safe confines where my playmates would be unable to reach me and tag me. Like God, however, my sisters often knew where the hidden key was and in a few short minutes I could hear the key sliding into the key hole where I would take a deep breath and try to find my next option then...CLICK...I could hear the door unlock.





In this case, I was not running from my sisters but from circumstances, fear and bad memories. The door was the gateway to that which I wanted to avoid entirely. Skye came down with a virus last week and "once upon a time" I would have just thought nothing of it but an inconvenience and a day home to nurse my child back to health; but now when a fever and persistent cough is associated, I go into some other mode for which I can't seem to find a name for at this time. But just picture me armed with a thermometer and symptom checks every few minutes--some totally crazy mom mode thing. The likes my sister Sarah and her husband had the joy of observing one time where they were literally pulling the thermometer from my hand and reassuring me to relax a little. I kind of wish they had been here the last few days.





Anyways...after 2 chest infections and severe pneumonia, I grow ever so concerned for Skye; however, in this case Skye rebounded from the cold virus rather quickly this time and I felt rather victorious over the dreaded door staying closed. However, in about 2 days the door for which I thought I had locked tight did re-open. And as it re-opened, I placed a chair under its knob trying to barricade myself in my 'safe' place. When Paisley came down with a fever and diarrhea, I went on what I believe was spiritual warfare trying desperately to keep the door from opening. I responded with what I had learned from the past few months. I would try only to think of the positives: "We are home." "Her fever broke for now." "Skye is healthy." But as Paisley's fevers got worse and her cough and breathing grew more and more familiar, I went to God in prayer and used scripture. I claimed health for our family. And while all that is good, again I think I did it out of fear instead of trusting in God to help us. Also, sometimes God is just plane going to open a door whether you want him to or not. Instead of fighting it so, I needed to trust that He was going to be holding my hand as I walked straight through it. And when Paisley was placed on nebulizer treatments every four hours and the pediatrician prescribed the "big guns" (as she called it while taking our family history into account) for antibiotics, I became absolutely frightened and angry at God all at the same time. "How dare He do this again to me. I can't believe that we are here again," I thought.





My efforts were as if I noticed that my pathetic attempt of using my weak wooden chair was not going to hold, so instead I ran to the shed of bad memories where I grabbed a hammer, nails and some boards. I frantically hammered like crazy. Placing my nails everywhere, driving them into the door, door frame and wooden planks to keep that darn door from opening. From the attempt, however, I grew extremely exhausted and the door was still opening anyways... I would have saved a whole lot of energy if I had just grabbed onto God's hand and just walked through the door instead of trying to close it.




With that said and after a few tissues and tears later, God still provided me with the strength I needed even though I wasted my energy trying to keep the door closed. In fact, God gave me some Gatorade so to speak to help revive me after my energy was drained for a bit.



After some treatments, Paisley is doing better today. Praising God and thanking Him that He was there at the door waiting for me to take His hand even when I was not.

Amen!

"Trust me [God] enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them." ~Sarah Young Jesus Calling

My prayer for today and this week. Amen!

Psalm 37:3-4

October

While I generally look forward to the start of each new season, as October arrived last week and as cooler weather swept in over the weekend, I am finding myself apprehensive about the change of season and thus frustrated with myself. I am disappointed in myself for the fact that after all we have been through in the past year and after what I have learned from the year's events and trials, including the good that came from them, I am now finding myself worrying and anxious because when I think of October right now, I unfortunately think about how October began months of trials and medical scares for my family last year.

I say that as Skye has come down with a fever, sore throat and a small cough today! ARG!

It was in October of 2009, when my girls were struck with H1N1 while I was a few weeks pregnant with Ian. It was in October of 2009, when Skye came down with her first of 3 chest infections. It was in October of 2009 that I started to let fear overtake my mind and I wasn't trusting God with our health anymore. It was October of 2009 that started many months of trials. The majority of the trials were that of medical and health. What stands out the most in my memory were every two weeks we were hit with illness, 3 chest infections for Skye, 12-day hospitalization for Skye that included PICU and 2 weeks at home with a PICC line, Scot's cardiac scare, Paisley's bump on the head, and Ian's kidney troubles. I am realizing that everything we have been through is very much still fresh in my mind.

I wish that I would think more about the positives of October 2009 instead of the negatives. Especially, our two wonderful day trips to the mountains; and most importantly, that it was in October of 2009, that we were very blessed to learn that we were expecting our son Ian. I need to hold onto that very special gift and how precious October 2009 really was and let go of the past. To some degree I am also torn with letting it all go, because so much positive came from all that we went through. I am a changed person through it all, even though I feel like I have back slid with the worry at the moment and not trusting in God. I feel like Satan is attacking me where I am most vulnerable right now, especially with Skye coming down with something this month of all months.

This is October of 2010, and although we are faced with a similar sight in our house currently, as we did this time last year (sickness in our household), this is a different year and God is right here with me--something He reminded me of earlier today at Wellspring (a Women's Bible Study at my church). Thankfully, Scot agreed to work from home this morning to stay with Skye so that the rest of us could go to church. A blessing--because as I was there, God reminded me that its not all on me. Look to the Cross.

So this where I begin this new month and new year so to speak.