Change in Ian's Appointments and his Activity Level!

Due to work conflict, Scot was forced to change the visit we had scheduled for March 4th with the urologist to March 9th instead. So Ian will have his renal scan performed on the 3rd but we will not talk to the doctor about the results until the 9th, for which I will then provide an update.

Please pray that Little Man does okay during the procedure as it is at least 55 minutes long, not including the prep time, as he is becoming a very active little boy. With in the last few days he has begun to call me by name (Mama or Mommy--and no I am totally not joking) and he has pulled himself up to standing all by himself and to much of Scot's and my surprise one morning, he even managed to get himself up one step and sit on it by himself! We didn't see him do it because we were under the impression that our sunk-in living room would keep him trapped for a bit longer. Um... nope I guess not! So with that said, keeping him still for the test could be a bit of a challenge!

Tiny Little, Pesky Things

About 10 days ago, I was at the pediatrician's office for Skye and Ian. The pediatrician looked up at me and almost jumped with excitement. "Well, at least its not in the chest!" she exclaimed. I was so happy to hear those words, especially after last year and after quite a few chest infections that we have experienced over recent months. I kid you not when I say that we have been at the pediatrician's office for someone, whether illness or a follow-up visit after an illness, once or twice a week since the very first week of January! I think I should be a part owner in that office or something now. Especially, when two or so times, I have taken all three kids with in one week for something! The last few months we have been riddled with illness after illness, and while not all have been chest infections we have had our run of them, including myself.

That afternoon, I left that office feeling a little low that we were sick once more, but rebounded rather quickly with the thought that "Well, at least its not chest infections." Skye had a sinus infection and Ian had a cold and an ear infection, although it was his 2nd in less then a month, but hey, it wasn't a chest infection--right?!

Well, just a few short days later, Paisley came down with croup, which then mutated into bronchitis and an ear infection. While I was there at the pediatrician's, I asked them to check Ian because his cough started to sound funny to me. Turned out that he was wheezing and needed a treatment. The doctor said that she believed he had RSV.

I remember a lump formed in my throat as I realized that all three children will have been nebulized at one time or another since December and that I was going to be nebulizing two of my children at the same time. And on top of that, the pediatrician and I were both fully aware of the fact that it had been a year since Skye's terrible illness. Tears formed in my eyes as I went searching my knowledge as to what I can do to protect the health of my children just short of living in a bubble. My positive from a few days prior--at least we don't have chest infections--had flown right out the window. As I could feel my negative feelings take over me, I flat out made a decision right then and there that I was not going to go down into the 'pit.' And then I found a positive when reflecting on Skye's hospitalization. "Well," I said to myself, "at least we are not at the hospital. We are going home today and we will be home as a family."

The night before, when Paisley's fever returned after a day and half or so of being fever free, and I knew it probably meant that she was developing a chest infection, we bought a pulse oximeter. As I told my mother about this and that I was happy to have something else to help reassure my worried mind for my children and their breathing, she told me not to pull it out all of the time and use it. Basically, that I shouldn't become consumed with using it. I knew what she meant and that she was right.

Today at Wellspring, oh and speaking of Wellspring Bible Study, through out all of our illnesses, we have managed to have a break from them on Tuesdays where I have been able to make every meeting. A side note, but I think a pretty good side note! God is good. God has wanted me to be there.

Anyways... at Wellspring today we studied Psalm 131. The following is what stood out to me the most. It was the first verse:

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
My eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great for me.


Wow! Let me say that again--WOW! This is David speaking here and what he says is powerful. I think what he meant here is not to spend your time and consume your thoughts on things that are beyond your control and are not tangible. Like me constantly worrying about our health and more specifically the health of my children and a relapse/recurrence of last year. While washing hands and such can diminish our chances of illnesses and the affects of the illnesses, running around with the thermometer and pulse oximeter in hand like a crazy woman and sanitizing my kiddos with worry and hand sanitizer where I might as well shower them in the stuff, doesn't necessarily mean that we are going to stay healthy and germ free. And doing such stuff and worrying can be physically and emotionally exhausting and it can be taxing on those watching or subject to it, like my kiddos for instance.

Little germs and bacteria are so far beyond my control. I can't stop them. Those tiny little pesky things are so much bigger (HA! I laugh at the thought of that very statement! Such irony in it.) than I can handle and control with actions and worry alone. All I can do is try to control my thoughts, find every positive I can find, pray, go to scripture and claim it for me and my family and listen to praise and worship music.

So if you find yourself thinking that you can control a situation that is too large for you, go to God. You CANNOT do it on your own strength. You will exhaust yourself trying. Look to God. If you have something in your life that is larger than what you can handle, whether it is your future, a health condition, death of a loved one, rejection or reputation has been scarred, or whatever it may be, I challenge you to go to God. Find the positives, read scripture, talk to your Father with prayer, listen to praise and worship music, because you are not supposed to do it by yourself...

Barbies or TV??

One day, as I realized what time it was, I quickly rushed down the stairs to start dinner as we had to get Skye out the door and to Kids Club in less than an hour. I looked at Skye who was watching a show on PBS and I asked her to start picking up her abandoned Barbies immediately; for which Skye spun around and looked at me and then looked at her Barbies, which I do admit were placed nicely amongst the Barbie furniture that she had set up as an apartment on our couch, and proceeded to throw quite a nice temper tantrum that also included tears mind you.

She threw herself upon the couch and amongst her Barbie friends claiming that she never got to play with them. I raised my voice at her and told her that after she finished homework she had the choice to play Barbies but she asked me to turn on the television instead. I reminded her that it was her choice to watch TV and not to play Barbies so if she was upset with anybody it should be with herself. This didn't settle well with her but I could tell she knew it was the truth.

As I was thinking about that lovely moment in parenting, I realized that we often react that way with God. He has given us a free will (and although I have argued with some people in regards to this, my thoughts about it are still the same). God has given us free will--the freedom to make choices. Some choices are better than others, and while God sometimes may try to send us subtle hints as to what choice we should make, it is still our choice to listen to Him or not just the same. But if we make the wrong choice, boy do we like to throw a hissy fit at God, blaming Him for the consequences when many times the outcomes are because of our decision and actions.

If you make a decision about something and it turns out to be a poor one, or one that you are not entirely pleased with the outcome, don't blame God, or blame others for that matter, because you know that in the end you made the decision. No one forced you to do anything. Stop making excuses too. Own it and learn from it.

Confessions of a Stay-At-Home Mom

I have been contemplating on whether I should post this or not on my blog, but my blog is meant to be transparent and after yesterday's Wellspring Bible Study, where we studied Psalm 51, I have decided that I am to write this post and so... here I go...

I am a stay-at-home mom and I confess that I have been basing my happiness on my children and having children instead of basing it on God; and I have been consumed by this for quite sometime now. What I am talking about isn't just simply the bonds that a mother has with her children. I am also aware of the fact that being a stay-at-home mom is being mommy 24/7 and rearing her children is her job, her livelihood, her passion and most times than not it becomes her identity making it difficult to separate herself from her offspring; however, this went deeper than that believe it or not, and it was unfair to my children, my husband and to God.

I love children. Children and babies give me joy! And the funny thing is when I graduated from college, I wanted to be a working mom with may be two kids at the most. God had other plans for me; and when a series of doors closed while other doors opened, and God handed me keys of my own free will while directing me down the hallway of my life at that time to any door that was available for me to open, I chose to be a stay-at-home mom. And I have been blessed by that decision and I have not regretted that decision ever since.

The problem is when I sought joy from each child, and the prospect of more, instead of living in the moment of being grateful for the children God has blessed me with already and the time I have spent with them. If my children did this or that, it would make me happy or unhappy; or if I could do this or that with them or for them, it would determine my happiness. If they behaved or not, for example, then it would determine my outcome for the day so to speak--my response and my emotions and spirituality. I also had gotten to the point that if any one of my three little "happiness" inconvenienced me and my plans with an illness or the potty or whatever, well how dare they! They were to make me happy when I saw fit. And they are only human. And to put that kind of pressure on little ones whom God loves is simply wrong. They don't deserve it. They didn't just decide to drop down from heaven to spend their lives making me happy.

I have a tendency to want to show them off too. Parade them around when I am in public so to speak. If people could see my beautiful children and how lovely they are and how well behaved they can be, then I am a better mom because someone else could see and may be verify it for me publicly. Now don't take me wrong, as parents we need to be proud of our children and for the correct choices they make, but there is a fine line to cross into the pitfalls of pride and idolatry

As Scot and I recently started to discuss when we were going to start trying to have our final addition to our family, my excitement of our fourth child didn't necessarily come like it had with my other children. Scot and I were not entirely on the same page as to when to start. It became one big ball of confusion and stress. I was making everything more difficult than it had to be and I was letting fear come in. Then I started to recognize the problem but I would just admit that I could have a problem being consumed with my kids, or that I was almost at an unhealthy point in my relationship with them. And when I tried to fix it on my own, such as trying to do more chores to be a better mom or trying to spend more quality time with each child, things became daunting for me and heavy. I could feel things strained between Scot and me, but I didn't know how to fix it or I didn't want to face it (that part depended on the day).

As I was at church yesterday and we were discussing David's approach to taking ownership of his sins, I realized that it was indeed time to take ownership after someone at my group mentioned that sometimes when you confess to someone it makes it more real. And then I realized that I had admitted to myself on a few occasions that I had gotten to an unhealthy point in my relationship with God, Scot and my kids. The night before, during my alone time with God and working on the Bible study homework (hum...last minute I know), I had confessed it to God too; however, I had not shared the same with my husband. I had only glossed over it and my transgression with him a few times in passing but that was about it. In order for me to truly take ownership in my sin, I needed to go to Scot because I had been placing my children above my husband.

Not knowing how Scot would react, I confessed to him where I had placed him in the "food chain" so to speak and how I was seeking my children for my love and happiness and acceptance rather than from God; and from my own husband in a way too. I told Scot that I wanted more time from our original date to start trying for our fourth baby so that I could ensure that my heart was in the right place. Then Scot said something that almost made me cry. He said "You will be a mom of four someday; it just doesn't have to be now."

And then later that evening Scot said something else that struck me and perhaps will strike you too. Part of it reflects how I believe our Heavenly Father views our ownership of our sin. He wants to help us and bless us through it and our confession. Scot said that he was aware of what I had been doing for a while and he was waiting for me to admit it and to take ownership in it. And then he continued by saying to me that now that he knows that I am no longer denying it, he desires more than ever to have one more child with me. Yep, he caused me to have a lump in my throat that evening.

With that said, we are NOT currently trying to get pregnant so dear family and close friends do not get excited. We do believe that God has called us to try to have one more baby and that is part of my leap of faith into the great unknown as our current house is small and I am unsure how all things will work out. BUT we are going to wait a bit longer for now. I want to enjoy my children for who they are for now and I want to get to a point that when we go to try, that I am okay with the prospect that if it doesn't happen and God does not allow us to be blessed with one more child that I am okay with that because I am already blessed with my three children and I want my happiness in life to be set apart from them and what they do.

Children are not trophies to stack up on a shelf so to speak for all to see. And now that I have taken ownership in it, I know that God will take me and wash me whiter than snow. He will help me, which may sometimes come in the the form of Scot! ;-)

Follow-Up Renal Scan Scheduled

I was worried that this time was going to be like last time where I would have problems getting in touch with the surgical scheduler for our urologist. Yesterday, when I was on the phone with her, the power at her office went out and hence the computer program she needed was not available. She said that she would call me back but I did not hear from her. As yesterday and today went by and I had not heard from her, I started to grow more anxious about a re-occurrence of last time. I kept giving it to God and then around 3:15 PM, I felt that I was to call her again. I was discouraged as I was forced to leave a voicemail. I got off the phone and I could tell Satan was trying to put negative thoughts in my head. As I was holding Ian asleep in my arms, I asked God to bless her.

At 4 PM the phone rang and it was her, the scheduler. She said that she was thankful that I had called again. She said that after the power kept going out yesterday and she couldn't get her work done, she admitted to me that she had forgotten. Our calls went a lot better this go around than last time, so I am thankful.

Ian's renal scan is scheduled for 2 PM on March 3rd and then we see the urologist the next day. I will post an update soon thereafter.