A Little Nugget

I have been experiencing some anxious thoughts lately. And as many of you know, I am not the most patient person in the world. Patience is not a strong virtue of mine, especially when it comes to waiting for something that I really want or such. When you couple anxiety with a lack of patience, it can be a little overwhelming for me.

Yesterday, as I was out and about on a mission with Paisley and Ian, to get Little Man's invites for his 1st birthday party coming up, an anxious thought just suddenly overcame me and my mind. It was the kind of moment where my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and my stomach did a complete butterfly flutter as the thought quickly entered my mind.

I was completely caught off guard by the moment and how my body and emotions reacted to it. I had to talk myself through it and I began praying. Although this process was interrupted often by my little miss chatter-box behind me as Paisley is a talker. However, she kept talking about what princess she wanted or wanted to be. But I kept brushing her words aside as I was quickly trying to evaluate my thoughts.

There is something in my future, months a way from now, that I have no control over, but I am excited about its arrival time and the unknowns too--all at the same time. Some of the what-ifs and doubts surrounding it, however, are what sparked my episode that I had currently found myself in yesterday afternoon.

As we arrived to our destination and began the quick hunt for the invites, I finally realized what Paisley was talking about. As we walked through the aisles, Paisley was pointing out party stuff and princesses. She was talking about her party and what princess theme she wanted it to be. I kept telling her that we were here for Ian's day and that her birthday was still a ways a way. As we found our wanted items, we journeyed to the front of the store where Paisley proceeded to keep talking about her party and desires. I kept telling her that her birthday will come soon. But that she would have to wait. Her face started to show her distress as she realized how long she would have to wait. And in her true mother's fashion, the excitement and impatience was becoming too much for her to handle.

Seeing her face, I looked down at her and said, "I know that you are excited. You can wait. It will be here before you will know it." And with that she began to relax. As did I, as I realized that what I said to her and the timing of her concern was perfect in regards to my anxieties that I was experiencing. It was a little "nugget" of calming thoughts from God. As I spoke to Paisley, God spoke to me. He used her moment to get through to me. And my heart began to settle some. God knows me more then I realize. He is there to guide me through my life and my human nature and sinful tendencies. I am blessed.

Forgiveness of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Several weeks ago, when I finally took ownership of my sins that I had been trying to deny, I let God in to start to cleanse me. It wasn't on me anymore. Trying to fix me wasn't on my shoulders anymore either. Being honest with myself and God that I had been placing happiness in my children rather than God, has opened the door for God to work in me. He just wanted me to open the door so to speak, and like a "maid," God was going to come in and start cleaning so I could rest.

Can you imagine resting? Trying to place my happiness in my kids, would make me a guilt ridden mother when things and motherhood didn't go as planned. When I felt that I messed up as any mother does, I would take it extremely poor as I was placing my self worth in my children and in the role of 'Mom.' And when I saw the problem I tried to cover it up, or ignore it, or at times try to fix it on my own, which would drain me both spiritually and emotionally. It was exhausting to try to fix what you were placing your self worth in all by yourself!

God knows that we cannot do it on our own. We are to lay our sins and burdens before Him. And that is what I did and I am glad that I did so. While being a stay-at-home mom still has its mundane tasks and crazy multi-tasking moments associated with it, and at times frustrating moments can transpire, I have now found more happiness in it all. The simple things that will make me smile. The moments I can treasure forever. The moments--like when my girls call me 'mom' and give me sweet kisses and precious bear hugs or when my infant son reaches his hands up to me while smiling--seem ever so sweeter to me now. Even sweeping crumbs off the floor after lunch time seems just a little different to me now. The joy is returning as my dreaded "mommy moments" are decreasing. While I am not looking to my kids for my happiness anymore, being their mom and serving them, has defined new realms of joy for me.

I am still a vessel of clay. The work is still not completed, but I can rest and take peace in the fact that God is working in me. And when I still have moments where I fall back into my old mind set for a brief time, I can rest more assure as I can see now God providing me the tools--scripture, encouraging words, a song--for which I can use to overcome those moments.

And as I still have a longing and ache for one more child as Scot and I still believe that there is yet one more member of our family missing (and yes once in a while my longing can morph into jealousy if I let it) the difference now is that I know that our fourth child will not complete my happiness, that child will just complete our family. And yes, while my children do provide me happiness and sweet joy, only God can fill my cup completely, and I am thanking God that I can see that now especially for the sake of my children.

I say this all now, as I will be leaving my kids tomorrow for a family women's retreat this weekend. I am realizing that in order for me to be a better mom for my kids, I need to take more mommy breaks than I have in the past. This trip will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from my kids--yep a whole 3 days and 2 nights worth! But I think it is perfect timing.