When I made my last post for this blog, as well as for my other blog, I did not at all imagine that this post would be the next one I would write. I definitely had other ideas in mind; however, the awful events that took place on 12/14/12 at Sandy Hook Elementary School and the 26 innocent victims, especially that of the 20 precious babies that were lost, my original plans changed. I want to let people know that those lives that were ended so soon and so abruptly will never be forgotten in my eyes; and that they simply, not a single one, died in vain, especially for me and in my personal life. And I want to explain briefly how and why they have affected me more deeply than just the tears I have shed for them since.
These victims will leave a mark in this world--a legacy--that goes much deeper and much farther than the political platforms and forums that will arise in regards to gun control and mental health care in this country. (Not negating that may be gaming especially that of a violent nature and violence in movies for the seemingly purpose of just displaying acts of violence, should also be addressed.) As I do admit that I have been re-evaluating some aspects on my own beliefs of the subject matters at hand, I am compelled to describe that for which has affected me more deeply and personally than politics at this time; and it stretches far beyond just me but to my family as well.
Over the last several months to a year, I sadly admit that I was becoming an angry mom. I would choke up when people would tell me how good of a mom I was and am, and that is why I can have four kids and handle it so well...so well? I wasn't handling my children and motherhood as well as I should have been and as well as people thought. I often knew it when people spoke so highly of me. Behind closed doors and some glimpses in public, angry mom would rear her ugly face. Over the last year, life hasn't been easy for me and as I mention that I will not divulge on it any further or try to make it into an excuse, but I handled it all poorly. When the four walls of life came closing on in, my children who are with me so often got the brunt of it with me yelling at them. After my kids would be at the receiving end of me losing my patience, with yelling, which was simply not edifying to them nor to me as their mother, I would repent to them and to God as well. True, some people could state that I was pregnant and dealing with hormones, or that I was dealing with post-pardon, but it was beginning to become more frequent than I would like and I knew it. I struggled with how to overcome it I am afraid. I didn't know how and I tried various ways.
I wanted to be slow to anger, which I simply wasn't at the time And I knew there was the difference between being stern versus raising my voice to the point of yelling. Over the last several days I have approached motherhood differently and more calmly. I have become slow to anger with the many trials that come up in being a parent. After this shooting and when thinking of those children coupled with that of my own, I realized that I don't want my children to remember me as being angry, or yelling. I don't want them to ever question my love for them up until the last breath that either they, or me for that matter, will take. I want them to go out in the community with out remembering the rush of the morning or the hustle-and-bustle of the day, that yelling at them to do things in a timely matter, for instance, was the last thing they had to reflect upon of me and my relationship with them. I want more for them.
I have CHOSEN to change and it is because of those lost at Sandy Hook Elementary. And if their lives lost meant that my life was changed, as well as that of my children and inherently my childrens' children, then I know in my heart of hearts, that those 26 lives lost, and of that, the 20 angel babies who died that awful day, DID NOT DIE IN VAIN. They have affected me deeply, more than these words can express.
