Not In Vain

When I made my last post for this blog, as well as for my other blog, I did not at all imagine that this post would be the next one I would write.  I definitely had other ideas in mind; however, the awful events that took place on 12/14/12 at Sandy Hook Elementary School and the 26 innocent victims, especially that of the 20 precious babies that were lost, my original plans changed.  I want to let people know that those lives that were ended so soon and so abruptly will never be forgotten in my eyes; and that they simply, not a single one, died in vain, especially for me and in my personal life. And I want to explain briefly how and why they have affected me more deeply than just the tears I have shed for them since.

These victims will leave a mark in this world--a legacy--that goes much deeper and much farther than the political platforms and forums that will arise in regards to gun control and mental health care in this country.  (Not negating that may be gaming especially that of a violent nature and violence in movies for the seemingly purpose of just displaying acts of violence, should also be addressed.) As I do admit that I have been re-evaluating some aspects on my own beliefs of the subject matters at hand, I am compelled to describe that for which has affected me more deeply and personally than politics at this time; and it stretches far beyond just me but to my family as well.

Over the last several months to a year, I sadly admit that I was becoming an angry mom.  I would choke up when people would tell me how good of a mom I was and am, and that is why I can have four kids and handle it so well...so well?  I wasn't handling my children and motherhood as well as I should have been and as well as people thought.  I often knew it when people spoke so highly of me.  Behind closed doors and some glimpses in public, angry mom would rear her ugly face.  Over the last year, life hasn't been easy for me and as I mention that I will not divulge on it any further or try to make it into an excuse, but I handled it all poorly. When the four walls of life came closing on in, my children who are with me so often got the brunt of it with me yelling at them.  After my kids would be at the receiving end of me losing my patience, with yelling, which was simply not edifying to them nor to me as their mother, I would repent to them and to God as well.  True, some people could state that I was pregnant and dealing with hormones, or that I was dealing with post-pardon, but it was beginning to become more frequent than I would like and I knew it.  I struggled with how to overcome it I am afraid.  I didn't know how and I tried various ways.

I wanted to be slow to anger, which I simply wasn't at the time  And I knew there was the difference between being stern versus raising my voice to the point of yelling.  Over the last several days I have approached motherhood differently and more calmly.  I have become slow to anger with the many trials that come up in being a parent.  After this shooting and when thinking of those children coupled with that of my own, I realized that I don't want my children to remember me as being angry, or yelling.  I don't want them to ever question my love for them up until the last breath that either they, or me for that matter, will take.  I want them to go out in the community with out remembering the rush of the morning or the hustle-and-bustle of the day, that yelling at them to do things in a timely matter, for instance, was the last thing they had to reflect upon of me and my relationship with them.  I want more for them.

I have CHOSEN to change and it is because of those lost at Sandy Hook Elementary.  And if their lives lost meant that my life was changed, as well as that of my children and inherently my childrens' children, then I know in my heart of hearts, that those 26 lives lost, and of that, the 20 angel babies who died that awful day, DID NOT DIE IN VAIN.  They have affected me deeply, more than these words can express.

Blessed to Have Mac (A Grateful Heart)

 

 

I am proud to announce the birth of Mac on November 13th at 3:56 PM.  He weighed 8 lbs 4 ozs and was 21 inches long.  We are so very grateful for Mac's safe arrival and so very blessed to have him in our arms and our family. 

Today, as I thanked God yet again for Mac and reflected upon his birth of two weeks ago, tears filled my eyes as I remembered how we were unsure as to whether he would make it or not, as an anomaly was discovered with his placenta during his first ultra sound during the first trimester.  When the doctor discussed it with us, I remember the fears that ran through me as I looked at his first pictures and had seen the beats of his tiny little heart; and not knowing what was ahead of us and for him as I already loved him so deeply.  All I knew was that many, many prayers went out on his behalf; and in the end, God would be along side us as well as a long side my baby in whatever the outcome.  

Here we are about nine months later, and I have to admit, I am so very grateful that Mac is safely here and healthy.  Completely blessed to have Mac here.  In fact, I am constantly thanking God for Mac as well as for all my children.  I do not take for granted my four little blessings...  What a time to remember a thankful spirit than to have a baby around Thanksgiving.  It has really given me a deeper perspective.  I have a grateful heart.  I have four precious blessings and miracles... Giving God praise and glory!

The Purple Swimsuit With the Black Hearts

Well, I hinted about this next topic in my last post.  I have been so very busy to actually get on and write about it though; and have been wondering how to write about it.  This is the first free weekend, well besides for a soccer game tomorrow, that we have had in SEVERAL weeks and so I decided to take advantage of the start of this weekend and try to write as best as I can about this topic on this here TGIF!  So here it goes...

Anyways... a door has opened that Scot and I would have preferred to stay closed; and no matter how many times I started to see it crack right on open, I wanted to slam it shut.  When you have three to four kids like us, it really does feel like sometimes you overcome one parental challenge or concern (such as Little Man's kidneys), just to head right into another. OR they coincide together, which in several cases this one has crashed right on in the midst of other concerns (Little Man's kidneys and Mac's early health in utero, just to give you an idea).  This one has been coming on slowly for the last two years, and when I saw it coming, I pretty much battled with how to respond to it or even react to it.  I fear that my reactions about it at first were a bit well...think...think... what is a good description...hum well unbecoming and nonfunctional as a mom, which was not at all helpful to my child.  It would almost cripple me to watch her, which I will explain that statement as I dive into this a little further shortly.

Again, we have been dealing with this for quite sometime now, but it has really roared its big nasty self with in the last few months.  I have wanted to share about it, but had some reservations too at the same time.  Primarily, I didn't want others to react certain ways or treat one of my children differently than I would like or they deserve; however, if sharing our experiences can help another parent or individual who is or has experienced the same thing than I am more than willing to share it with the hopes of encouraging others.  I am not going to share with you all which child I am exactly talking about at this time, but through some of the details some of you all who know us will be able to guess, while others close to us already know.

I hinted about this in a post several, several months ago--may have been a year ago or so.  True, sometimes I write things in such a way that can make light of a darker situation or can be left up to the reader to decide the emotions behind the words, but what one feed back I received about that post threw me for a loop.  The other person told me that it was funny and it made her laugh.  I was taken a back by those remarks because at the end of the day, I did not believe at all that the content for which I wrote was funny and it had taken me a while to muster up the strength to write about it (if you are curious you can read OCD, the Kids and Me).

Anyways, I have battled most of my life with OCD tendencies and although I have never been diagnosed as such because well I have never gone to see anyone and I have learned to overcome many of its obstacles, my case is very mild compared to many out there but it is still very much present in my life.  When life feels like it is out of control for me, I find ways to find something to control or do; and they can be pretty random and bizarre to some peoplw if they knew the content of some of these random things I do.  Also, I can be quite the hand washer when it comes down to it.  Me and the fear of germs can get some nasty battles going.  My mom and dad would notice me at a very young age and up into my teens how absolutely raw I would make my hands by my constantly washing them.  I also experienced other symptoms as well but I won't indulge on all of them today.  Just know that I have been battling it since I was a little girl.

What I also battled was some anxiety issues and minor attacks as well growing up and even to this very day.  I have made great big strides overcoming many of these moments and attacks but they are still a part of my life as I have had to use various coping techniques to calm myself down for and on various occasions.  Sometimes I will be okay one instance, but if the same thing should occur again on another day, with one different variable added or deleted in that given day, I could have a completely different reaction.  There are so many variables that could trigger a minor episode. 

I remember a specific time when I was little that I had one such moment/trigger.  It was the very moment that I realized I was going to have to fight to get past these anxiety moments with every part of my being.  We had all finished a breakfast of sweet rolls goodness.  I was feeling great and I was a happy go lucky girl when my dad announced that it was time to get into our swimsuits to swim later on at our county's recreation center inside pool.  Either because my dad said it all as a surprise (which he probably had done so because previous experiences with me would almost leave him no choice because upset tummy and little to no eating would occur when I knew something fun was coming would almost always certainly occur) or because of little sleep that night (who knows), I went straight into an anxiety attack of sorts even though I had been to that pool on countless occasions before.  As I saw my sisters dancing about with excitement and joy, my composure and countenance drastically changed.  I wanted to stay at home safe and sound.  Could have been butterflies or nerves or a mixture of both, but I proceeded to go into the bathroom and "up-chuck" my breakfast.  I came out to my dad crying and telling him that I couldn't go because I was sick, when he proceeded to kneel down in front of me and in a stern voice replied, "You are NOT sick. Now go get your swimsuit on." Now I can't describe the look on his face and in his eyes when he said that, but it was a totally profound moment for me.  Very profound for me.  I had to use every ounce of strength with in to overcome my anxiety and put my favorite swimsuit on--the purple swimsuit with the black hearts all over it with the little tiny skirt.  (Scot laughs at me because you know when it is a profound moment in my life if I can tell you what I was wearing, which is common practice for me!)  Even when we got to the pool, it took me a long time to get in and enjoy myself as I watched my sisters play.  I struggled with the realization that a lot of my problems and tummy aches and fears were because of me and what would go on in my head.  I wanted to be care free like my sisters.

And hence what I feel now but as a mom looking into the situation--I want my daughter to live life as care free as other children her own age do; and it absolutely pains me when I see the fun of life literally drain out of her as other kids play and have fun.  Watching your child go stark white with nerves and anxiety and observing her lips go almost blue and her eyes become glazed over in almost a painful trance especially when such moments occurs at various places and events when she is surrounded by other children who are as care free as the wind, it utterly breaks my heart.  Seeing her get up constantly to excuse herself to go to the restroom to either breath, attempt to get sick, or cry is simply dreadful to watch.  No child should go through that, but there are many who do.

We saw this slowly coming on over a long period of time and when I saw it coming I became fearful.  I had feared that one of my children would develop anxiety issues as I had done and still battle to this day.  I had prayed against it but God had different plans and I have to trust Him about it now.  Sometimes God has other plans and He will not always answer your prayers in the way that you would prefer.  Observing something come over her as you watch the zest and fun of life that she normally has get sucked right on out of her is awful and hard to watch.  Seeing fear over take her and sometimes witnessing her breathing change, I can become overwhelmed watching her because I feel as though it is my fault in a way (may be some of this behavior is learned from being around me) and then I have to fight my own anxieties too as I watch her.

When I had confessed to someone that I have had tendencies, especially at the beginning, of getting angry at my daughter when I would see another episode coming on and not always understanding the trigger for which had set her off, she scolded me and told me I shouldn't.  I know that I shouldn't have, but as you experience everything that we were at the time and when you have anxiety issues and attacks of your own, becoming helpless in the situation would sometimes be out of your control as you learned to cope and deal.

I don't get angry at my daughter anymore.  Sometimes I get frustrated and sometimes I am forced to get stern with her, however, yelling or in near tears myself is not what I resort to do anymore.  Do I cry about it when she is in the other room or sometimes at night in my own bed if we have had a few bad days????  You betcha!  But she and I are learning to deal, so is Scot, her dad as well.

She has good days and bad days.  Good months and bad months.  It all depends.  Sometimes we are busy trying to figure out her triggers, and coping techniques, and how to prevent some attacks; but sometimes such anxiety issues as these, are hard to solve as they are all so often times irrational.  She doesn't always like to talk to us about it, so until she does, sometimes we are left just holding the pieces and moving on.  Sometimes we have to just march on as we tell her that we cannot help her unless she opens up to us about them.  So many facets involved; and so many elements.  What has worked for me doesn't necessarily mean its going to work for her.

I know that God is in this with us though; and that He does have a plan and He is in control because of some of the things we have witnessed lately.  Like her teacher for example.  After having two episodes at school, her teacher called me one Sunday evening.  She wanted to help out as best as she could to help ease my daughter at school.  We talked at length as I learned that she too is a mother who has had a daughter who has suffered from some problems with anxiety.  It was nice to talk to another mom who knew where I was coming from.  What a better way to have this school year go than with a teacher who understands and has dealt with it in her family as well.  What a relief!  And we also came up with a small plan too, which so far seems to have worked.  I have also gotten to know another mom on my street whose daughter experiences huge anxiety attacks.  L and I have connected in the fact that we feel like we can talk to each other about our experiences and not get judged or feel that our kids are being judged.

So we have our hits and misses. Sometimes outings are great! Sometimes we have countless good weeks! And other times we have challenges and have to push her. BUT we are going to keep going and not slow down life and not make the effort to do fun things and such. We will push forward and onward for her. It is the best thing for not only her but for us as well.

And so that is where we are at right now.  I have found one thing that has helped my daughter calm down from an episode.  And that is when I look straight into her eyes and I tell her, "Take deep breaths. You are fine. You will be okay.  I know how you are feeling because I used to act the same way and sometimes I still do." Her face lightens up as she realizes she is not alone in this. 

Five-Years-Old!! (Great News!)

First of all, thank you so much for your prayers!  Our second attempt at Little Man's renal scan went absolutely smoothly!  We came in and saw three of the four nurses in the hallway already conferencing their plan of attack for Little Man's IVs.  At first, I wasn't entirely thrilled with their plan, which was removing him from us and doing a burrito wrap to our son (which wrapping him up like a papoose was completely understandable).  However, having him removed from our care at that point was simply nerve wracking especially given how scared he gets.

Anyways, they had me stay behind in a small waiting room and I watched one of the nurses walk with Scot and Little Man, who were holding hands by the way down the hallway until they reached the door of the prep room where Little Man let go of his dad's hand and requested to be picked-up, which his dad did so promptly, and they went through the doors.  Right then and there, the pregnant hormones kicked in as well as just plain old mommy mode started in, and well tears started flowing down my cheeks.  Scot came back with out our son and gave a brief description of the scene he left, and I cried some more.  But within a few brief minutes and after hearing Little Man's cries echo down the hall, all was quiet and we heard steps coming down the hallway with quiet soothing whispers and some whimpers from a little child--our little child.  One of the nurses entered the waiting room with Little Man wrapped comfortably in a blanket and in her arms as she declared the victory on the first attempt!  What a relief!  He did well during the 55 minute test and quiet time on the table.  At a few points he did cry out, "Get out!" as he kicked his feet, but for the most part he did splendidly. 

I took Little Man to his urologist last Friday, so that his urologist could examine the results of the renal scan and to discuss things.  Well, it was a great visit and we have great news to share!!  Giving God the glory!

While Little Man has a larger left kidney, hence taking that kidney longer for urine to evacuate, his kidney is no longer considered to be partially blocked and causing urine reflux.  In other words, both of his kidneys are functioning well!  Although, the doctor believes that there was an anomaly that occurred in his left kidney and has caused the left kidney to be larger, it is working well now!  So Little Man does not have to have another renal scan performed in the near future!

Due to his slightly enlarged left kidney, however, he will be having an ultra sound performed at about five-years of age (in about three years) before he gets involved in sports just to be safe.  Sometimes when you have an enlarged kidney, the risk of kidney injury is greater while playing sports, but the urologist said that there is actually a greater chance for kidney injury to occur in a car accident than while being active in sports; but just the same, he will have a test performed to make sure all is well before he dives into sports.

The urologist wants Mac's kidneys to be checked at our next prenatal ultra sound that has been scheduled on October 11th, because urinary reflux can be hereditary.  So we shall see how everything looks in the next few weeks for my youngest Little Guy.  If fluid retention is noticed, Mac will have tests performed at two weeks of age like his big brother did.  But again, things have looked great thus far and in the end it is all in God's hands anyways.

                                       Little Man at two-weeks of age during first renal scan

It was such a relief to have such great news about Little Man's kidneys.  And then we had a very peaceful Friday afternoon.  Including the girls after they came home from school.  It was such a pleasant and refreshing time--much needed and God knew that as well.  Thanking Him for the calm Friday we had and one more worry that He has taken care of for our family, especially as a new one has developed over a long period of time and has really begun to roar its ugly head now.  I will begin sharing our new obstacle as a parents shortly.  I want to be delicate with how I share about it with you all.  It has been tough for Scot and I, but even as of last night, I can see that God is in the midst and looking out for us.  I have been trying to decide whether I should share it with you all on this blog or not, but I think I have decided that I will, because if another person needs to hear about our experiences, or can relate with me as well on another level, and know that they are not alone, then I think it can be beneficial. 

With that said though, we are very grateful for all that God has done and is doing and we can rest in the fact that God doesn't give us more than we can bare, which was evident to us this past week and the good news about Little Man's kidneys!  He knows when to take on a burden, if we allow Him too and when we need a break.  Have to also know how to find the positives in everything and thank God for each positive you find!

Adrenaline (Well, That Was A Bust)

Whelp, yesterday Little Man was supposed to have another renal scan, but that simply did not occur though I assure you all that attempts were made. By 2:40 PM in the afternoon, everyone including hospital staff, Little Man, Scot and myself, parted ways with total frustration.  Last time we had a failed attempt at his renal scan, it was because by the time the Lasix flush was administered, his vein had collapsed and perforated.  We had to go back a few days later, which turned out to be a successful attempt; and we hope that like last time, we will have a better outcome the second go round, although the test failure was due to different reasons this time.

Little Man was doing alright and was all full of smiles and even followed A, to the room on his own accord and on his own power--he walked happily behind A.  However, as soon as we stepped into the very familiar room his whole countenance simply changed.  You could just see the memories come flooding right into his head and fear began to take over.  Right away he reached for Scot and wanted to be picked up and Scot did so accordingly.  Even when we had to lay him onto the table, he didn't want to let go of his tight grip around his dad.  Simply heart-breaking to watch and experience. 

Then we all watched as fear turned into adrenaline and strength.  Tears came flooding and screams came but then the sweating and the struggling began.  It was awful.  Little Man is a strong two-year-old boy on any day, but you add fear, memories and adrenaline into the mix, you have a new kind of strength and determination from Little Man.  He is a fighter and that was evident yesterday.  He will not go down with out a fight and a good hard struggle.  Part of me wonders if sometimes that is a good thing; and other times I believe simply that it is, especially given everything that he has been through.  Even when one staff member asked about his history for this procedure, two other staff members with out skipping a beat said that he has been in quite a bit.  About six times alone for this procedure and that they also remembered us bringing him in when he was only two-weeks-old.  J even said, "We have seen him grow-up."  She stated it perfectly, because he has been there a lot for a guy who is only two-years of age.  He has not only been there for six renal scans, but one VCUG and a barium test (for GI concerns) as well, not including the ultra sound performed at another hospital and his speech pathologist to help him swallow correctly that has an office at the hospital.  Little Man has been through the ringer, at least where his parents and he are concerned and it is starting to definitely show.

Anyways, to make a long story short, Little Man was pricked six times but had some form of needle in him constantly for about 40 minutes total with a small break in between.  He was so strong at points there were four to five people trying to hold him down including Scot and myself and/or to start an IV going.  They even put in a call for another male nurse to come in and help hold him down; however, he did not come in time to help as we all decided that we should end it all.  WE ALL left sweating and breathing hard and at one point had a bloody mess for the nurses to clean up as Little Man moved his hand enough to dislodge a needle with out any bandages ready.  It was a mess and we were a mess.

The nurses stated that he had great veins and could seem them all nicely but they said basically what was happening was that he had so much adrenaline, which is a vasoconstrictor--meaning it closes the veins--that his veins clentched/clamped up.  They told me that it could be a problem for years to come and it is something that we need to keep in mind for later medical care.  Before we all departed ways we discussed options.  The nurses explained why most hospitals refuse to do sedation.  She said because at that age, the amount to give is sometimes very hard to determine and if they react poorly to the dose before you have an IV going yet, there is no way to get stuff into the child to reverse the ill affects.  She said as a mom herself she wouldn't want to sedate her children.  So that option is out of the window now.

So the urologist wants us to try again...try again... Breaks my heart just thinking about trying again.  We will be trying again on Wednesday, but this time we are trying morning time at 9 AM (like I had originally wanted anyways) because Little Man seems to be the most hydrated and they may bring in ultrasound equipment to help locate veins even better.  Scot and I have discussed that if this next attempt works, great; but if it doesn't, we may consider another hospital where they have a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and request that some of those nurses come down to administer the IV since they work with children all the time who have weak and poor veins and adrenaline.  If that fails Scot and I would then for sure call it quits.  He is seemingly well and if there doesn't seem to be noticeable changes then we will just do nothing for now. 

If the tests are successful, and we discover that he still has urinary reflux and a partial blockage in his kidneys than we may consider and push for surgery.  Usually, people refuse surgery, but putting him continuously through these tests, or attempts, is just becoming too much.  WE will definitely be seeking and praying the next few days.  We ask that you pray on our behalf as well, and that God would help direct Scot and I to make the correct decisions in regards to Little Man, and to pray mightily over his second attempt at a renal scan next week.  I am so very nervous just to go through those doors.  I don't want to see his lip quiver again and tears flow down his cheek.  I have been trying to tell him that we are not doing this to harm him but to help him in the long run.  I have my 31-week prenatal check-up tomorrow and I have to bring Little Man with me, and I am so afraid he may panic before he realizes that we are going to a different area in the hospital and that the appointment is for me.  I even told Scot last night that I wanted, if at all possible, to get Little Man in to see me and his new little brother as quickly as we possibly can, so that of course he could see his baby brother, but that I want him to see that I had to be pricked and that I had to have needles in me as well.  How pathetic is that?  I just want him to know that he isn't alone.  I want him to know and see that others have had to go through what he has had to endure.

Scrapbook Pages

I just finished scrapbooking the events for which this blog was derived from a couple of years ago.  Yes, yes, yes, I do realize that I am a little bit behind in my scrapbooking hobby; but slow and steady is okay, especially when working on these photos and pages came in perfect timing as it served as a great reminder to me when I needed some reminding over a week ago.  I needed to remember that God can and does use anything for His glory; and He knew exactly how I needed to be reminded of that goodness--what a better way than to use my favorite hobby and these various pictures.  There is no better way to know where you are heading than by remembering where you have been...

This page depicts when Sky Baby (Yes, names have changed a little bit for this blog.) was having a blast in a huge snow fall back in 2010 while she was coming down with a seemingly harmless cough at the time.  I remember hearing her cough as I took these photos.  We had no idea what lay ahead for her, and for us--her family.

Her cough was soon accompanied by a fever, and at points a relatively high fever.  She fought the fever for four days before she spiked a fever high of 104 on the fifth day.  I proceeded to take her to the doctors telling them that she shouldn't be spiking a fever like that on the fifth day of a virus.  I knew something was wrong, but I was told that some viruses last eight to ten days.  I ended up taking her to the pediatricians three times in four days.  After a night when I saw her spike a fever of 105, I demanded more attention to her symptoms and told them I was taking her to the hospital.  The doctor concurred with me.  Sky Baby was diagnosed with pneumonia and was admitted; however, her infection wouldn't respond to antibiotics.  The girls were banned from seeing each other because Sky Baby's health scare occurred during the H1N1 scare, so I took pictures of the girls to show each girl how the other one was doing.  I was trying whatever I could to help lift their spirits as they missed each other greatly.

It was a long road.  Sky Baby spent a total of about 12 days in the hospital including two days in the PICU, after a bronchial scope went south and Sky Baby needed 15 liters of oxygen and was almost intubated.  She had a gastric tube placed at one point due to concerns of TB and she was held prisoner in her little room during that time.  She was placed on various antibiotics (the big guns were brought out) and vanc levels had to be checked and such, therefore, blood was drawn frequently.  She eventually had a PICC line placed for easier access for IVs and blood draws.  I took a nasty spill one night in PICU, where Little Man and I had to be checked out as I was pregnant with him at the time.  It was during that check-up that it was discovered that Little Man had some concerns with his renals.  Sky Baby spent a total of 19 days straight with fevers before her fever finally subsided.  When she did come home, Scot and I proceeded to administer her IV antibiotics through her PICC line for two additional weeks.

Through everything that we went through during that time, however, God showed me so many things... so many things...  He took the things which scared me most and He used them to grow my faith in a way that at times, I am almost at a loss for words to describe.  God was and is good.  The page pictured just above reflects how God saw us through it all; the joy that came from it all.  Just days before Sky Baby's PICC line was to be removed, Paize took a hard  hit to the head when she fell on the sidewalk while she was finally enjoying playing with her sister.  Sky Baby's pulmonary specialist even announced the day her PICC line was to be removed that Paize's hit to the head was now more of a concern than Sky Baby's lungs.  Paize was fine though and Sky Baby's PICC line was removed the day before our church's Daddy/Daughter Dance.  Looking at these pictures (and yes I have what appears to be several copies of the same pose, but each girl had a precious expression in each frame), I remember how God saw us through even up until the day before that dance.  God was good and He allowed us to breath in the sweet, fresh air of peace and love that day.  And like Scot being the father of and to his children; who also loves his children dearly, so does our Heavenly Father.  What a great depiction of God's love for us, even during the hard times.  What a wonderful page to follow-up the prior pages with than with the above page and its depiction!

And yet the trials didn't stop after that day of the dance.  We had others which laid just ahead of us, like our new concerns and focus on our unborn son's kidneys for instance; but we had a new way to cope and approach those trials with God's hope, love, and our faith which had grown tremendously during that time.  These scrapbook pages reminds me of just that--God loves us like a Father and He is with us during the difficult times and He can provide us strength to overcome them if we just run into His fatherly arms.  He will never give us more than we can handle...Amen.

Elvis Has Left The Building

Well, a few weeks ago we came to a crossroads with Elvis--our four door, little, blue Mazda.  We needed to make a decision.  Elvis got sick again and we had to determine if continually fixing it and the amount of fixing the car was worth continuing to keep the car.  We needed to make a decision as we got word of the three possibilities of Elvis' current ailments at the time, which included two  possibilities that were pointing to a future catastrophic engine failure.

I had a day trip out of town that weekend, and after remembering how many times I have had to either find another ride or pray that Elvis would just make it to a location in one piece even a half hour away, decisions had to be made.  We especially needed to make the decision as us having a larger family needing more seating meant that whomever parent stayed home with the kiddos as the other one ventured out, meant we had no choice but to leave the better and healthier vehicle at home with the remaining parent and for the kiddos in order to get around to various activities and such.  That continual realization meant that the other parent would have to take the older, sickly vehicle on road trips.

So when Scot called me up with the news about the Mazda's condition, we made a decision that it was time for Elvis to go.  We were excited with our new choice of vehicle but I have to say when the dealership drove the little Mazda away, tears filled my eyes and I got a huge lump in my throat.  Now part of this could have been a factor contributed by my current pregnancy, and the fact that Little Man ran to the dealership doors crying for the Mazda's return (though his tears may have been simply because he thought that his daddy was driving away with out him), but I thought about the 10+ years of memory we had with that car and the places it forged with us.  However, what struck me the most was the fact that I simply didn't get the opportunity to say my good-byes (yes, silly I know but it is true) to a tool that God had used to teach me more about how to be more Christ-like in love, grace and mercy.  The things that have happened with and to that car and how God used those experiences to mold me into a better Christian is what meant most to me as I have already shared some of those stories with you.  And I think it is okay that I cried.  When I look at pictures of that car from now on, I will remember that little, old, blue Mazda and the stories she and I could tell.  Farewell Mazda...sniff sniff sniff...sadly "Elvis has left the building" and may that car continue to "shake, rattle and roll" somewhere even if it is just in my heart and memories. 

Our Home Office

Whelp, for now I am back on the subject of how to use what you have and how to make what you have work while being blessed by God's provisions for what you have at the same time.  As you all have gathered by now because I have no less driven the point home (Ha! Ha! Love my choice of words!) over and over again, our current house is rather small, especially for our future family of six--well at least that is what some people choose to believe.  As you all may have gathered, our family size and the size of this house may not really allow for a home office.

We have a three bedroom house.  There is a master bedroom for Scot and I, one room for the girls and one room for the boys; therefore, there isn't a room that we can dedicate to a home office and with smaller living spaces for a dining room, a kitchen and a living room, making a small area in such rooms were simply not an option for us even back when we were about to have our second child.  We wanted Precious (my new nickname for our 2nd daughter for this blog) to have a nursery of her own, which was our current office; therefore, we had to find a solution.

Our solution was to get rid of our desk top computer and replace it with a brand new laptop.  So we went out and did just that and bought a new laptop and got rid of our old desk top computer.  Now you are probably thinking what happened to other items that are often needed and are used with a home office, such as a printer and a desk. 

Well, we got rid of the desk...well actually no we did not.  We actually moved the desk out of the office into a corner of our master bedroom for me to use as a place to scrapbook.  Yes, I enjoy scrap booking a great deal and I usually work on an album or two once or twice a week at least.  But when it comes to an office desk, we don't have one anymore.  We got a black laptop bag to carry and store a few items besides just the laptop itself.  When we have mail come into the house, we sort it immediately that day so there is not a pile of mail needing a desk to sit upon.  We get rid of any unwanted mail, we place our bills in one specific location and coupons in another location in the hutch; therefore, the need for a desk for such items is eliminated.

As for the printer and printer paper as well as ink cartridges, we have them stored in the linen/hallway closet upstairs while we store our laptop case in another closet.  So when we need to use any of these "home office" items, we simply pull them out of their assigned locations and remain clutter free.  But essentially our home office consists of a laptop, a laptop bag and a little bit of closet space!  It works for us on so many levels!

No Sedation

Well in this post, I am switching gears quite a bit compared to my previous posts.  I am taking a break from talking about our house, projects and current kitchen renovation (which is about 80% done at this point) in order to update you on our eldest son. I thought that it was a good time to update you all on Little Man in regards to his G.I. and urinary reflux (kidney functions). 

First, we are truly blessed that Little Man has been successfully weened from Prevacid! Excluding one dose needed a few weeks ago, he has been off the medicine for several weeks now.  He has had no problem eating and such since being weened from the meds.  He did come down with a G.I. bug at the beginning of this summer that took him a while to rebound from, but that seems to be how his body will handle such illnesses so that seems to be the norm for him.  He also has become an extremely picky eater since that virus, but he is healthy and eating just the same.

As far as his kidney functions go, he will be having his next renal scan on September 12th at 1:30PM and we will be given the results at his appointment with his urologist the following day.  Little Man is a strong-willed as well as a physically strong two-year-old toddler.  We were hoping that we would be able to have him sedated for this upcoming test, due to how things went the last go round and the tears and such that were shed.  Unfortunately, the local hospitals in our area for which Little Man's urologist has access to, have denied such requests and have refused performing such tests on children that include sedation.  The closest hospital that was able and willing to provide sedation, was an hour away from our location; therefore, we did decline and decided to continue to use the same hospital and staff that we have grown familiar with for now.  We would love prayers in regards to how we will help ease Little Man's anxieties over the test, and how we will be able to keep him quite and contained for the 55 minute test, not including the prep time that is also associated with such a procedure.

My OBGYN has also been keeping an eye out for A Mac, as she said that sometimes conditions like Little Man's kidneys, can be hereditary.  As of the last ultra sound, his kidneys were functioning well!  We will look again on our final ultra sound as A Mac's birth draws closer.

White Noise

So for some reason at this time, my blog seems to be turning into learning how to wait patiently for what you desire and learning how to be blessed by what you currently have; and to be grateful too, especially when it comes to our small house and our desire to have a larger one some day sooner rather than later, but as other things have taken shape this week like poor, poor Elvis (aka Mazda) having to be taken for an unexpected trip to the car doctors and not knowing if our shake, rattle and roller is going to be able to recover this time or not, which may force us to dig into our purses a little bit for newer transportation, is showing us that God has a different plan for us still. 

I do know that compared to other countries, our house would be a mansion, including the current chaos that our kitchen renovation has caused and the inconveniences it has caused me.  What seems horrid to me, like not having a working dishwasher or a working kitchen sink and a mess everywhere in a small house, would seem like nothing to others as they would be at least blessed to have plumbing and the capability of using various other faucets with in the home to accomplish a given task.  As I periodically discussed with other women from my church this weekend while at a scrap booking event, often times the woes of our lives here in this country are that of "first-world" problems and in retrospect they may not even be real problems at all to other people around the globe.  Anyways... going off on a big opening tangent aren't I? 

Let's get to the real root of why I am writing today.  Like I had just previously mentioned, my current theme of this blog at this time has morphed into learning to be blessed with what you have and to deal with what has been provided you; and right now, that is currently our house, the little shoe, and perhaps poor ol' Elvis.  Anyways, so I thought as we learn how to make things work for our growing family while taking care of our various financial obligations, I'd pass things on to my readers.  So today's topic is a brief idea of something that we do.

All three of our bedrooms are on the top floor, with one small linen closet and a bathroom that includes a small laundry closet.  It is a small hallway that also includes an open stairwell feature, which looks great but carries various noises more easily.  So with having our bedrooms on such close proximity to each other and the designed features that are associated, one could hear other noises a bit more easier than in other houses; therefore, what we have done is add white noise to nap times and bedtimes.  Each room has at least one fan.  I have two fans in my room currently, but that is because I am pregnant and I get hot easily.  The girls have two fans in their room only because Skye needed one for her top bunk because she got hot, and so we got her a clip on one for her top bunk.

Anyways, we turn on those fans and we sleep well!  I have had children cry out in the middle of the night and even turn on lights while their roommate is sleeping and they sleep right through the noise and ruckus!  We have had kids wet the bed and get sick and have been forced to change sheets with out another kid waking up.  Little Man's room is right beside the girls' room and he likes to sleep with his door wide open because he just can't miss a thing and has to feel a part of the family all of the time even as he sleeps.  We have nights when he has screamed and pitched quite a fit for various reasons and the girls have never been bothered by him.

So with the help of white noise, like fans, we get a good sleep.  It helps the noises of a small house like when Scot and I laugh or watch a movie after the kids go to sleep.  We don't have to whisper in fear that the noise will carry upstairs and wake up the kids.  Just a suggestion for anyone who may need it, especially if you are in a small house.

Some Wiggle Room For Our Little Shoe!

Today, marks another step in the right direction for our future "boot" and getting out of this little "shoe."  True it is one step out of a few that have been occurring and will be occurring over the next two years or so; but it brings us one step closer towards getting our larger house and yard just the same.  In the meantime as our family is about to grow to a family of six, we are finding other means and methods to make some wiggle room for our little shoe (a.k.a. our house).  And if any of you do not understand my choice of words in regards to our house, please read the previous blog post.

Anyways, in order to make this house work for a family of six for a bit, we have made some plans and begun some projects to help increase our space.  For example, it works out for us that we are expecting another son; and so we will have Scot and my master bedroom, one bedroom for the girls and one bedroom for the boys.  The girls are already in bunk beds, but the boys will not be able to do that as of yet as they will both be too young to have a top bunk in their room for now.  Therefore, as Little Man will use the toddler bed he is currently in when he hasn't decided that sleeping on the floor is a better more comfortable bed, A Mac will be sleeping in a micro- or what is known as a mini-crib.

We have some other plans as well, but I will talk about them as we go.  In the meantime, we have started our kitchen renovation.  My kitchen is cute but rather small.  The cabinets are old and nasty, so with the desire to replace them and a great deal that Scot found, we purchased new cabinets (paid in full with cash) and have begun our project which includes a new microwave over our oven and stove top freeing up much needed counter space for food prep for a family of six!  Even amongst the orderly chaos, I am excited about what has occurred already!  The kitchen reno also forced us to purge things, which is a vital aspect of living in a small house. 

We did not take before pictures, but you will have to take my word on the added counter space and kitchen renovation benefits.  Also, our new entertainment center that I posted a picture of a while back provided us with much needed additional storage space.  With its larger size that extends the living room wall and the shelves and drawers, there is much more space to store things than having the wasted wall space that we had previously. 

Like I had written earlier, we have other projects planned.  We have plans for our bathroom, each children's bedrooms, dining room and utility closet/pantry.  Some plans may include a piece of furniture in just the right locale or some may include a little bit more of an extensive adventure; regardless, it will add wiggle room to our little house, which has become known as our little shoe.  I will try to remember to take before and after pictures as we go, as long as you don't laugh at some of the before pictures!!  LOL!   I will be glad to show you how just a little bit of saving, planning and patience can afford you a lot in the end. 

Oh and one idea that we used with this renovation that may come in handy for you is as follows: knowing that we were going to spend a certain amount of $$'s at Lowe's, Scot went to Kroger where we are Kroger Plus customers and bought Lowe's gift cards that would go towards our rewards so to speak.  We used the gift cards at Lowe's where we were already planning on spending a chunk of change and well we got gas points on our Kroger customer plus account, and so I went to Kroger gas this morning and got...drum roll please $2.00 off of each gallon of gas I put in my tank today!!  YEAH BABY!  All Scot's idea and doing by the way... gotta give the credit where credit is due!!

In a Shoe

So a few weeks ago when Scot was talking to one of his friends about our upcoming arrival of our newest addition to our family, and after hearing that we were not planning on moving out of our little town home just yet, this friend remarked that we were like "The little old woman who lived in a shoe, who had so many children she didn't know what to do..."  I honestly didn't take too kindly to that statement although I enjoy this person a great deal and he is a great friend to my husband and he said it with humor; however, it struck a nerve with me just the same.  There were, and are, a few reasons as to why I didn't like that statement and other such statements like it or about my fourth pregnancy that I have received from others.

First and fore most, it is nobody's business what and how our family looks like and what we choose or decide for our family.  Or that God chooses for us for that matter.  Also, EVERY child is a blessing.  The fourth child is as much a blessing as the first.  Some people are way more concerned about wealth and comfort living that they are shocked to hear about a family of six. 

Secondly, we are where God wants us to be right now. And although Scot and I dream of one day having a larger house and actually have seriously looked at two larger homes recently where other buyers had beaten us to the punch so to speak, God has shown us that it just isn't our time yet; BUT it is our time to have our fourth child regardless of the size of our house.  Although our house and yard are small, and we will be a family of six in a three bedroom house, not one child will be with out a bed of their own, or with out their own seat at the dinner table.  They will all be clothed, fed, loved and enjoying their own things.

We are determined to keep going with our Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University plan, which I highly recommend to anyone dealing with debt and the desire to wipe it clean honestly by paying all lenders in full since it was us or you who decided to use money that wasn't yours/ours in the first place.  For the first time in our married lives, we see the finish line in sight.  All debts, which would also include this house, will be paid in full in five years or less.  To feel the breath of financial freedom upon on our necks keeps us wanting to move forward with our current plan even if it means we are crammed a bit in this house for a time.  So many people buy houses like they were cars or toys.  Stay put for a while and enjoy what you have.  Every body always wants more.  Scot and I have also come from a place where we used to live pay check to pay check.  Where even one time I over drew our checking account by a 30 cent charge at Kinko's and was then fined an additional $30 overdrawn fee.  We enjoy being able to pay cash for things that we never once believed possible.  I no longer have to call Scot and make sure a purchase was feasible that day and that we had sufficient funds in our bank to pull off a small shopping tab.  And now my kiddos are able to do extracurricular activities now, and we don't want to risk taking that important aspect for them away by jumping ship too early to find something bigger just because the world believes more is better. 

Also, our utilities are so manageable in this house.  Small house with two if its walls insulated even more by two other separate houses and their adjoining walls.  When I hear what other people pay for their electricity, especially during a cold snap, or a hot spell as we are in now, I find myself shocked at their bills and I find myself thankful for this house.

Sure, we sometimes are on top of each other in this house but we manage.  And when school is in session, the house gets quiet as half our kiddos are gone for the majority of the day and week for that matter.  And when they are home, we are able to easily chat about the day and I like it that way.  Now I know I don't have a place to run to when trying to talk on the phone as some of you do.  You moms know what I am talking about.  As soon as that phone rings it is like the kids alarm to come over and try to get their mother's attention and disturb her.  My mom used to go into her garage to hide from us children.  I don't have that luxury.  I used to go into our tiny downstairs bathroom but it is so small that the kiddos can still knock and disturb me or are privy to the content of the conversation, which sometimes I do not wish them to be.  I have now tried to go outside on my front stoop, but that depends on the weather and the conversation for as I learned recently during a very heated conversation with a loved one that neighbors are sometimes with in ear shot.  So yes, there are a few exceptions but all in all our house is fine for us for now until we have taken care of other financial obligations.

For now we are in this little house and if anyone believes otherwise, I kindly ask you to keep your  unwanted opinions to yourself.  If you think we live in a little shoe then fine think that way.  I much rather live in a little shoe with my wonderful, beautiful, four children dangling out from every end of it and peering out the windows waving than in a stuffing, fancy high heeled shoe anyways.  Someday we will buy a large boot, but for now I will take this here lil' shoe... just don't call me old!  ;-)

A Mac

I am proud to announce that we are expecting a boy!  For now on this blog I will refer to him as A Mac--the nickname that I have come up with and like alot; and for which the exact spelling of it is subject to change, but for those of you who know the name, you get the gist! 

His sisters and brother are excited as Scot and I are as well!  Coincidentally, I accessorized my outfit today with blue jewelry and after a long morning of me impatiently awaiting the news of our baby's gender, I found it cutely ironic that I was wearing blue when we learned that our son, A Mac, was on the way!  May be it was mother's intuition! 

We are truly blessed to have the best of both worlds and an equal spread of gender among our family.  Little Man get's a playmate!  Not that his sisters aren't great playmates but this little brother will be closer to his age and will probably play a few more things that boys are interested in!  Again, we thank God for this blessing as well as our other three blessings!

And as a side note:  I think that I may give all my kiddos nicknames on this blog. I haven't entirely decided.  But if I do, hopefully you will catch on to whom I am talking about when I am talking about each child and such!

Update On Little Man!

Little Man had another visit with his G.I. doctor yesterday.  The appointment went well and we were given the green light to start weening Little Man from Prevacid.  We have a specific way to do it, but we are excited to begin the process.  If all goes well during the weening process, the doctor said that they no longer need to see him!  Little Man has been doing well! 

During his examination, Ian didn't want much to do with the doctor even when the doc was trying to get Ian to give him some high-fives!  However, when the doctor said that he was good to go and doesn't need to be seen by them anymore, Ian was all about high-fiving the doctor!!!  We are blessed.  Ian no longer sees the speech pathologist and now we can knock the Gastro-Interologist off the list.

Next stop for Little Man is the urologist for his kidneys and urine reflux, but that won't be until September.  He will most likely have another renal scan and such performed; but at least we are down to one doctor now, which we see once a year now instead of every 3 months to every 6 months like he had been experiencing.  So again, God is good and we are blessed!

Mazda (A.K.A. Elvis)

Whelp, another one for the Mazda!  Yep, another token of characteristic and more personality for that poor, little, old car! Who knew what we would discover Mother's Day night.  That car took another hit for the home team.  It surely did!

I giggled a bit during my pastor's sermon a couple of weeks ago.  He used his vehicles as an example for something in his sermon and what struck me was when he said basically that a car doesn't have much of a personality until it earns a nickname--one of his vehicles being called "Blue Thunder" by the way.  He was correct and I giggled when he mentioned it.  Now my nice mini van doesn't have a nickname; however, the blue, little, four door Mazda sure does!  We have started calling that little car Elvis because it shakes, rattles and rolls thanks to its age and mileage!

Now don't take me wrong.  That car keeps on truckin' and Scot and I have a rule of thumb, which we live by which is if it ain't broke don't fix it, OR in many of our cases, don't buy something newer yet.  You should see our new entertainment center we finally got, for example!  We saved our money and paid for the wall unit in cash; however, what now sits upon it is an old tube TV who's power button fell into the TV and now it has nice masking tape in its stead, because it was the quickest thing I could find to use to prevent little fingers from going into the hole where the button used to be!  Yep, if you take a closer look at the picture below, that new entertainment center is kind of screaming out for a big 55 inch flat screen TV instead! (And yes, there is a line of toy trains at the base of the entertainment center when I took the picture!)

So we plan on running Elvis into the ground but it really does kind of suck when you look at all the dents and scraped paint that were not caused by us!  Yep, Elvis has fallen victim to several opening door slams from other vehicles (how rude!), a bi bi gun attack (not sure if I spelt that correctly!), a Burger King sign that came loose in a wind storm, a bad paint job on the trunk, a broken window from a towing company, a teenager who couldn't drive at a gas station and then what happened on Mother's Day!

After returning from a nice Mother's Day outing at about 9:30 PM at night, we pulled into our reserved parking space in front of our house to discover that somebody had hit our nicely parked Mazda and evidently used our reserved spot to do so as they exited our reserved parking space as you can gather from the evidence observed!  And what infuriated me the most was they didn't even leave a note!  I looked up and down the street wondering who it was and if they were still here and wondering if my busy body neighbor "L" saw who it may have been?

I headed off to bed feeling very agitated at whomever it was  who drove their white/grey vehicle into our parked Mazda (a.k.a Elvis) leaving deep scratch marks on the bumper while all the while using a reserved parking space that they were not permitted to use.  I started to almost curse the person but then I laid my head upon my pillow and began to pray for the driver instead.  However, I did start the prayer off more condemning like.  I used such phrases as, "Lord, teach the driver the errors of his/hers ways." "May they come to the realizations of their wrongdoings."  "Heep burning coals upon their head so that they may repent of their sin." As I was praying those prayers, however, the Spirit softened me and lead my prayer in a different direction.  I prayed for the driver and I prayed that God would bless that person regardless.  My anger morphed into a more Christ-like love.  Though I still find myself slightly agitated at the person who caused Elvis' newest wounds, praying for blessings upon them and God's hands to direct him or her is still sweeter than I had originally felt before I changed my prayer.


Who knew how much I would learn about being more Christ-like than I have learned with that old Mazda.  I have learned two huge things about mercy and grace through that Mazda in as just as many years.  So now I have another reminder on that car to remind me of grace and love. 


I challenge you that if you have a person or situation in your life that makes you either want to act sinfully, with resentment and anger and speaking words and committing actions that you should best not do, I ask that you evaluate the situation more deeply and choose to be more Christ-like in your response.  Don't stoop to the world's level and norms, but challenge yourself, with God's help of course, to set forth an example of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and forbearance instead.

Announcement! (What a Roller Coaster Ride!)

The week I wrote my last post, we found out that we were expecting our next child!  We are expecting our fourth little addition to our family around Thanksgiving!  Our due date is November 19th of this year. It was such a blessing and answer to our prayers and wait.

As excited as we were, the last several weeks have been an emotional and a spiritual roller coaster.  First, when we went in for our 8-week appointment and the first picture of our baby went up on the screen, I quickly realized that we were not looking at an 8-week-old baby.  I knew we were at about 7 weeks along, which given my irregular cycle that wasn't too much of a surprise and my doctor confirmed that for us.  And well then I remembered when we went in for Ian's first ultra sound we discovered that we were not 8-weeks along but closer to 10-weeks along.  All that to say that part wasn't too surprising for us; however, it was actually what we found out next that caught me off guard.

We were told that there was a pocket of fluid at the base of the placenta, which for some women that generally means that a miscarriage is likely.  My lips quivered and tears came to my eyes as I heard the news.  And even though she proceeded to tell me that because I was not spotting or bleeding, which was good, she couldn't give me any statistics, I found it both hopeful and a little disconcerning at the same time.  I was placed on "pelvic bed rest"--basically no excising nor other activities...if you know what I mean--for the next 4 weeks.  I had another ultra sound scheduled four weeks out and we went home.

I got home and refused to open any of the goodies from that goody bag--the one that many OBGYN's hand out when you are expecting.  You know what I am talking about?  This time I placed my new canvas bag on top of my dryer and walked away.  I even got mad at Scot later that day when he started to pull things out of it.  It was just easier for me to prepare for the worst at that point.

During our early pregnancy, we also had some extended family members experience some physical injuries and other health concerns, which brought me to another emotional level as well.  I was a bit overwhelmed with life at that point to say the least.  Then I came down with my very first case of strep throat too, which compounded the morning sickness for me as well.  On top of feeling like I was swallowing jagged rocks and broken glass, at points I was vomiting every 20 minutes or so.  As I was coming down with more and more symptoms and pain, I was home alone with the kids while Scot was at work.  By lunch time that day while I was trying to pick up play-dough and fix the kids' lunch while vomiting every 20 minutes or so, I started to mutter out loud "I am not going to make it."  The kids stared at me when I kept laying on the living room floor saying, "Lord, I don't think I can do this."  Seeing this and hearing this, all three kiddos started to help me more.  Even Ian helped pick up the play-dough all be it, it was throwing all of the entire balls of play-dough with out their right full containers into the plastic bin; but you have to give him kudos for trying! Finally, only the second time in our marriage, I asked Scot to come home early from work because I felt that awful. 

Each day in the last four weeks, I have had to take each day at a time; or rather, I have had to take each step at a time.  Each day I thanked the Lord for all of my kids and thanked the Lord for each extra day that I had with my little angel baby inside of me, uncertain as to what the outcome would be.  I had to lay my baby at the foot of the Cross and place his or hers tiny self and the placenta in His hands because it was beyond me.  I have had to trust that God would equip me for whatever lay ahead.  It has been a leap of faith for sure to say the least.  Felt like I have been in over my head at times, but that is where I have wanted to be--trusting in God.

I had another ultra sound performed today and WOW! that baby was kicking and moving like crazy!  I saw his or hers heart beating!  As soon as I saw that my baby had grown and was moving with life, tears filled my eyes and a lump developed in my throat.  I thanked God. 

There is still a very small pocket of fluid but my doctor said that she didn't know if it was worth noting at this point or not.  So we shall see.  My baby is in God's hands.  We are blessed.  I dearly love this baby already.  What a leap of faith this has already been and will be!

Our Leap (At This Point)

Our Leap at This Point

The Leap

Basically, we believed and have felt lead for quite some time that we are to have a fourth child.  Now for many of you, this is of no surprise; however, if you read the following, you will, perhaps, understand that there are some complexities involved.  In fact, having a fourth child at this time is simply not just it.  There is more to it than that...way more in fact; and that is why we are waiting and seeking right now.

When I graduated from college, I saw myself as a married career woman with may be one to two children at the most.  Little did I know what God had planned for me instead--a few years later I would be a mother of three desiring for not only a fourth biological child but an adopted fifth child as well.  Once I turned down my job with the local police department about 10 years ago (I wanted to be an investigator but was planning on starting as a police officer for experience), I could not find a job I liked worth a darn or that liked me for that matter!  Nope notta nothing...!  Felt so very out of place wherever I was at.  I turned down my job offer with the PD because during the several weeks of the application process I realized how much I wanted to be a wife and mother. After observing other officers and their family dynamic, I realized for me, I could not be both a good police officer as well as a good wife and mother all at the same time.  I knew at some point something was going to have to give; and so I let go the job right then and there when I figured things out.  And ever since then I couldn't find my place in the working world.  But God had a plan.


As the years went by and other circumstances came into play, Scot and I realized that we were being led to have a larger family.  Four kids or more were in our future. And as time drew closer to our leap of faith for our fourth child, Scot and I were totally unexpectedly struck with another new aspiring thought and belief, which has brought us to where we are in our leap today.


As the thought was starting to occur to me, little did I know the same thought was occurring for Scot and I got goose bumps the day he mentioned what he had been thinking to me; because none-the-less I had been thinking the same.  "What about adopting a possible fifth child someday?" he said one day after church and my heart just skipped a beat!


Why Is It A Leap of Faith?

First of all, Scot and I are planners.  We plan, plan and plan.  We often have back-up plans to our plans!  And that is no joke! 

In this case, we wouldn't really be able to plan until a child is upon us.  This will be our first child with out a nursery of their own.  This will be our first child where we will not be able to figure out sleeping arrangement for them, or anyone else for that matter, until we are well into our leap and we know who is joining our family.  Our house and yard are small; so small in fact, that some people would probably not take the leap at all.  Even this past week, as I was starting my major spring cleaning and seasonal clothes shifting, I was scratching my head and wondering how on earth I was going to fit everything we had now much less another set of clothes and toys for another child in the future.  Many would wave the white flag and just surrender, but instead we are believing that God will show us the way.  Many people would probably think that we should just wait until our ducks are lined up in a row just right and we are ready and able to move into a larger house before we take such a leap; but we are choosing to trust in God first and let Him take care of the rest.

Secondly, in this bad economy, adding another child may not be what many others would consider a smart idea.  Another child does add an additional financial aspect; however, again the point of leaping is learning to trust and believe that God will provide, especially when you are doing what you believe He is calling you to do anyways.  True getting a table for six may not be as easy as a table for four when eating out, however, we already have to get a table for five anyways so what is one more?  Sure there are times when we cut back or spend cautiously but I think that gives us and our children a healthy perspective on life.  And we are by no means destitute let me just add, but we are saving carefully and spending carefully and paying down our debt as we have goals now for possible future leaps of faith.

Not knowing how it will all work out, is almost freeing!  Can't figure it all out right now, so for the first time in our marriage, Scot and I are simply stating that we will wait and see what happens and where God will leads us.  We will make each decision when the time comes and the time is right.  I can't even begin to explain how much I have gained about faith-building and faith-living already!  When I question things and decisions, I am learning that God provides us clues and encouragement about what we are supposed to do along the way even if it is to just simply wait.  When I start to try to plan for the what-ifs God has reminded me that He is ultimately in control.  And when I wonder if we have heard correctly, knowing that God can use anything for His glory just lifts me and frees me! 

Confirmation


Again, Scot and I have believed that we were to have a fourth child for some time now.  But before we took our leap of faith of being off birth control and seeing where it would lead us, we still doubted about it a little, due to this house, finances, economy and such.  With in about three weeks of us planning on removing my IUC, however, God allowed a situation to occur where we had no choice but to have it removed.  I feel like that was God's way of nudging us off the edge into our leap.  It was our confirmation that we needed to know that we were doing the right thing.

Seeking and Waiting

During the time of when the Mirena was removed, like I had mentioned previously, Scot and I felt led that some day we are to adopt a fifth child as well.  We had several things occur that brought us to this conclussion; however, due to the timing of seeing if God would bless us with our fourth biological child and our birth control method having to be removed as well--confirming that leap--we didn't want to rush into adoption right away either as we had been led to have another of our own, or well atleast be birth control free.  So we are currently seeing where God will steer us so to speak so we haven't wanted to rush to adoption right away either. 

As I had mentioned this to two individuals a while back about our desire to have a fourth child of our own and our new desire to adopt a fifth child someday as well, one of the individuals asked "Why not adopt a fourth child now?"  I became slightly confused between what others thought of us and what I believed God was asking us to do.

Also, with in weeks of our official leap of faith, Scot and I experienced the worst time of struggle in our 12-year-relationship and almost 10 years of marriage.  We struggled for a while.  We had to work on some things and figure out some things.  It was a rough patch.  Felt like Satan was totally attacking a good thing.  We had to seek God's grace and mercy through it all.  However, Scot and I were in no shape to add another child into the mix at that point. 

As time passed, Scot and I seriously worked out some stuff, as we are doing much better now.  However, in regards to our leap, we have been at a point of waiting and seeing what God would have us do.  Waitng to see what door He will open next and where He will lead us.  Waiting is hard but sometimes it is exactly what God wants you to do as well.  Sometimes we need to just wait and seek God; and that is just fine.


Cautious

I have been cautious to write about this for a few reasons:

1. Seems like people have an opinion on birth-control and family planning.
2. People have expressed their opinions on whether I should adopt first or not.  Even had one person tell me that because of Skye's broken clavical at birth and chest infections later on in her young life, Paisley's small seizure scare when she was about 6-months-old, and with Ian's renal problems, that may be Scot and I should consider adoption before having another biological child.  First of all, what faithless living that would be.  Secondly and most importantly, what would that say about my children!  Even if one of them had worse problems than they ended up having or if Ian actually was born with Down Syndrome like it was suspected at one point when I was pregnant with him, I would have had them again because they are so very prescious to me! How absurd for someone to say that!  My children are healthy children in many respects, and even if my next child were to have a more serious chronic issue by God I would love them or want them no less!  Plus, being a mom to my children have taught me more about faith and living selflessly than I could ever have imagined and I thank God for my precious angels even my little one in heaven.  They have all had a purpose.
3. I have been wanting to take into consideration those who I know have been experiencing problems with conceiving their first or second child, yet alone hear about me and my desire to have my fourth child. 
4. Simply afraid of what people will think of our leap of faith period.
5. Scot and I had issues to resolve first and I didn't want to have the whole world knowing about it; but in the end, may be writing my brief blurb about it testifies that perseverence and seeking God in your marriage is a testament of grace and love.
6. Not yet sure where our leap will take us.

As of Now

As of now, we have been waiting and seeking.  We have two desires now on our hearts and not sure when or how or if it will all work out.  Some things may have to fall into place first before other things take shape, but as of now we desire a fourth biological child with the desire that may be someday we are to adopt a fifth child.  We shall see where the road takes us...

Dive (Leap of Faith)

With in a few weeks of our leap of faith, I heard this song for the first time in a long time... Very telling...

Dive
By Steven Curtis Chapman


The long awaited rains
Have fallen hard upon the thirsty ground
And carved their way to where
The wild and rushing river can be found
And like the rains
I have been carried here to where the river flows, yeah
My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is no turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time
to take the leap of faith
So here I go

I’m diving in, I’m going deep in over
my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow,
in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide,
the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in

There is a supernatural power
In this might river’s flow
It can bring the dead to life
And it can fill an empty soul
And give a heart the only thing
Worth living and worth dying for, yeah
But we will never know the awesome power
Of the grace of God
Until we let ourselves get swept away
Into this holy flood
So if you’ll take my hand
We’ll close our eyes and count to three
And take the leap of faith
Come on let’s go

The Truth Behind the Staple

Picture if you will, finding Little Man at the bottom of the stairs with his belly and chest pressed against the bottom step and his hand still grasping the pink, striped Victoria Secret bag, which he held onto until the bitter end of his fall.  Imagine hearing your toddler fall down two to three steps behind you and hearing his head hit the banister.  And as you pick him up and inspect him, you realized that your initial inspection must have been a poor one because you discover blood on your hand but you are clueless as to the source.  You frantically search your son as you are feeling like you are just one terrible mom for 1.) allowing your son to fall down the stairs and 2.) that you can't seem to figure out where the blood is coming from.  Finally, in your frantic search, you discover the cut on the back of his poor head.

Quickly, you inspect the wound closely and discover that indeed the wound needs added attention that you are not equipped to provide and so you head off to the ER.  Too make a long story short, you end up being with every other sick and injured person in your area that Monday morning and you wait three hours for just one staple.  BUT as the wound is inspected by a medical professional it is determined that the wound is more of that of a puncture wound rather than a hit to something like the banister like you had originally believed.  And as you take a look at the wound when it had been properly cleaned and before it was stapled, you could even concur the same conclusion as well.

And as you drive home from the hospital, you are puzzled as to what caused the puncture wound, when it finally occurs to you what had happened; and after careful inspection of the suspected item upon your return home, you can almost positively conclude the cause of such a wound.  It totally and completely hits you what had happened.  As your son fell, he punctured his head on the pink, striped card board Victoria Secret bag, WHICH you gave him to help carry upstairs and its contents no less included that of sexy negligee that you actually had decided to purchase for your husband for Valentine's Day for like the first time ever in your relationship!

Can you now imagine if you will, my horror as I realized how displeased my husband and father of Little Man would be to know that his son was wounded and needed his first set of stitches, or the like, was cause by that of a Victoria Secret bag carrying such content?  Now if you can imagine how this story may be carried on and laughed about when Little Man is grown?  Poor Poor Little Man!  LOL!

BUT as ironic and silly as that whole thing was and still is in many regards, one thing remains: The truth is, we were simply meant to be in the ER that day.  As Little Man and I sat in our room in the ER, we observed our surroundings.  We discovered many children with respiratory problems.  Almost directly across from us, was a familiar sight--two signs warning of the precautions that needed to be taken with a chest infection.  I heard a familiar cough as well behind the door and saw how the medical staff dressed just to enter the room.  The door was left cracked open and I could hear the staff telling the mother of a little, blond girl that they were going to admit her and that she needed to wear the mask through the hallways of the hospital to get to the pediatric unit.  And as the door opened I saw a little blond girl with little pair of ugs laying beside her on a bed that they were moving out of the room.  She had the same yellow, pale skin tone that Skye had two years ago in that very same ER during the very same exact week when Skye was stricken with her bad case of pneumonia.  I kid you not.  Skye was admitted to the same hospital this very same week 2 years ago almost to the day!


As she left the ER my eyes filled with tears as yet again I had been reminded of that time.  However, I soon realized that it was another great reminder of how God was and is faithful.  He provided me with strength and support before I even realized it and even when I was doubting His goodness.  He showered us with love during that time and I grew spiritually because of it.  I thanked God for the reminder and for the sweet little girl across the way.


I also took the opportunity to pray for a girl I had never met.  I prayed for her health and for her doctors as well as her parents.  Little did she know that a perfect stranger was touched by her illness and was lifting her and her family in prayer.  I was meant to be there to pray faithfully for her.

Not Quite Ready

I am not quite ready to discuss our leap of faith in any detail at this time.  I know that some of you are curious about it and wondering when I will just simply state it and write about it directly.  I know that others have asked, or have wanted to ask me, personally about it.  Some of you may think that you have it already figured out or may be we have simply stated it to you, face to face; however, that is simply funny because we don't have it all figured out just yet either and we probably won't for quite some time as we are even unsure of some of the specifics of our leap.

We are at a wait and see what happens stage in our leap... guess that is why it is called a leap of faith in many regards.  At this point, we are not sure what door shall open first as we know we are headed in the right direction and down the correct hallway.  When I feel the time is right, I assure you that I will write more about it because I think that sharing with others is a key to faith and faith building.  Also, please note that some of it I will keep private as well.  Some things just do not need to be shared publicly--some things are left better unsaid.  However, with that said, you may not completely understand why some things were hard for us with in the last few months when I do write about it; but that will just have to be the way it is supposed to be then. We have had some things occur since our leap that wasn't exactly related to the leap itself but it most definitely affected it just the same and perhaps knowing that some of you may never hear the complete and full story, I am somewhat fearful of what you all may think or say.

BUT I guess I am willing to take the risk someday soon anyways.  I have reasons for feeling this way and I want to make sure that when I discuss it further and include more details, that I have taken the time to think and pray through it and to have ample time to write about it and to share about it appropriately.  There are other reasons why I want to watch how and what I write about as I know what others are going through, or have been going through, and what has been impressed upon us.  I want to do it with care...

Why Searching Was a Good Thing

Yesterday, Little Man started to wheeze a little bit.  Knowing that I had plenty of Albuterol, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to give Ian a breathing treatment.  I found three sets of masks and accessories for each of my children that were labeled so nicely in their containers, but I couldn't find the nebulizer itself; so I had to go search for it.  As I spent about the next 15 minutes searching for it, I couldn't believe that I had actually forgotten where I had placed it.  I realized how it was a good thing because that meant we hadn't used it in quite some time.  As I continued to hunt for it I realized that it had been about a year since we used it last!  WOW!  If you would have asked me last year if I thought that we would actually go one year with out using it, I might have laughed in your face because that didn't seem fathomable at the time.  Well, it is true and that realization was a blessing to me even when I finally found it and gave Ian a treatment yesterday afternoon!

Don't Have To Be

This is not one of my typical posts I am afraid.  This is just me being transparent in the moment while still feeling led to write it even though I am afraid it is not filled with any eye opening revelation to any degree today.  Wish I had more to offer in this post besides my feelings but it is just where I am today.

Our faith free fall is completely just that right now for us and especially for me--an absolute free fall--and I just feel like each day I am just hurtling from the sky this way and that way.  Feel like this has all become one big joke and I am the one who is left not laughing.

Starting to doubt what I believe God told us to do, because of course it is not going how I wished it to go... but I guess that is simply it--yielding.  And while yielding to God hasn't exactly been fun and some things have occurred with in the last few months that have left me absolutely dumb founded in many respects; all I simply have left to hold onto today are the few nuggets God has given and the confirmation God gave us from the start. 

I feel like I am right back at the beginning of my spiritual walk again.  Feel like I am right back at where I was a few years ago.  I simply just don't have the strength today.  But I guess that is the point.  Listened to a song earlier that is so true.  I am not supposed to be strong enough.  I need to grab hold of God's strong mighty arm.  I kind of feel like I am in a pit today and I can't get out on my own strength and feel like giving up in many regards.

...But may be, may be that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom
That's when I start looking up
And reaching out.


I know that I'm not strong enough to be everything
That I'm supposed to be
I give-up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
All right now I'm asking You
To be strong enough...


I DON'T HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH

~Strong Enough by Matthew West