Forgiveness of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Several weeks ago, when I finally took ownership of my sins that I had been trying to deny, I let God in to start to cleanse me. It wasn't on me anymore. Trying to fix me wasn't on my shoulders anymore either. Being honest with myself and God that I had been placing happiness in my children rather than God, has opened the door for God to work in me. He just wanted me to open the door so to speak, and like a "maid," God was going to come in and start cleaning so I could rest.

Can you imagine resting? Trying to place my happiness in my kids, would make me a guilt ridden mother when things and motherhood didn't go as planned. When I felt that I messed up as any mother does, I would take it extremely poor as I was placing my self worth in my children and in the role of 'Mom.' And when I saw the problem I tried to cover it up, or ignore it, or at times try to fix it on my own, which would drain me both spiritually and emotionally. It was exhausting to try to fix what you were placing your self worth in all by yourself!

God knows that we cannot do it on our own. We are to lay our sins and burdens before Him. And that is what I did and I am glad that I did so. While being a stay-at-home mom still has its mundane tasks and crazy multi-tasking moments associated with it, and at times frustrating moments can transpire, I have now found more happiness in it all. The simple things that will make me smile. The moments I can treasure forever. The moments--like when my girls call me 'mom' and give me sweet kisses and precious bear hugs or when my infant son reaches his hands up to me while smiling--seem ever so sweeter to me now. Even sweeping crumbs off the floor after lunch time seems just a little different to me now. The joy is returning as my dreaded "mommy moments" are decreasing. While I am not looking to my kids for my happiness anymore, being their mom and serving them, has defined new realms of joy for me.

I am still a vessel of clay. The work is still not completed, but I can rest and take peace in the fact that God is working in me. And when I still have moments where I fall back into my old mind set for a brief time, I can rest more assure as I can see now God providing me the tools--scripture, encouraging words, a song--for which I can use to overcome those moments.

And as I still have a longing and ache for one more child as Scot and I still believe that there is yet one more member of our family missing (and yes once in a while my longing can morph into jealousy if I let it) the difference now is that I know that our fourth child will not complete my happiness, that child will just complete our family. And yes, while my children do provide me happiness and sweet joy, only God can fill my cup completely, and I am thanking God that I can see that now especially for the sake of my children.

I say this all now, as I will be leaving my kids tomorrow for a family women's retreat this weekend. I am realizing that in order for me to be a better mom for my kids, I need to take more mommy breaks than I have in the past. This trip will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from my kids--yep a whole 3 days and 2 nights worth! But I think it is perfect timing.