Confessions of a Lonely Mom

I have debated off and on for about a year whether to post this entry, or not.  In fact, I have begun writing it on a few occasions, and have ended up deleting every attempt.  However, when thoughts and topics keep popping into my heart and mind, I believe that is a prompting to go ahead and write.  Even with that said, however, as I began writing this very entry, I have already changed up my approach a few times.  Hopefully, this one works, and I convey the points I wish to make.

This has been hard to write about for several reasons.  First, who wants to admit that they are lonely, and a bit envious of others?  Secondly, I am afraid that others will take pity on me, and will do things out of obligation, guilt, or most importantly to me, because they feel sorry for me.  Who wants that?  Surely, not me.  Thirdly, I have been afraid that my feelings of loneliness and isolation may become worse as others just might wonder what is wrong with me, and my lack of friends and support?  Yes, it is true, that very thought has crossed my mind.  I worry that after reading this, people could ignore me, or avoid me, more than what I feel that they do already.  And lastly, I don't want people to think that I am ungrateful for the fact that God has given me a caring husband, and four wonderful children.  I thank God everyday for them.  They have been my saving grace in many regards, and they have most definitely taken the sting of loneliness away.

Yes, I have and do compare myself with other people, especially that of other moms and wives such as myself; and many times I am left wondering why their circle, or circles, of friends seem much larger than mine.

I never have had a huge circle of friends; even when I was young and in my high school days.  I was never like many of the other girls or my other peers.  I almost always just had a very few close friends.  At times, I probably would agree that I may have only had two to four close friends.  I do believe in several regards, the fact that I was homeschooled did play a huge part in my smaller circle of friends; however, even if I didn't and from my time away at college up until this point of my life, my circle of friends has remained rather small just the same anyways.

I have had a wide variety if social circles through out my life even as I was homeschooled.  I had church, youth group, homeschool groups, my beloved sport of volleyball that blossomed into college level, MOPS, various Bible studies, scrapbooking, and more.  However, I still have only a handful of friends while others even my own sisters seem to have a much larger group of friends.

I am not sure why it has been this way.  I have one really close friend that I do consider my BFF and she has been my friend ever since we met when we were about 12-years-old.  I enjoy her company, and her friendship is absolutely near and dear to my heart as we have remained very close friends even to this very day.  The only problem is she and I live miles apart now, and we are unable to see each other as much as we would like, but we do call each other, and text often.  We see each other a few times a year, and we joke about what we would do if we lived closer to each other, like weekly chats at a local Starbucks!

Excluding her, I have about one to two other people I would consider close friends and others whom I like and care about, but I would not necessarily say that we are friends, may be more like acquaintances.

Then I wonder if other people who seem to have such large circles of friends, actually place their acquaintances into their group of so called "friends."  Perhaps I just have a different definition, and expectations of what a friend is, or should be?  May be mine is too rigid?

I believe that a friendship is a two way street, with two people who invest time and effort for each other, and in each other's lives.  Too many times as I was growing up, and especially when I was in high school, college, and to a few people recently, I was loyal to friends who in the end seemed by their actions, could actually care less about my life and me.  I would spend so much time and energy in a relationship, but would get very little in return.  To clarify, I am not specifically looking at what I can get out of a relationship; I just prefer a more equal effort on both parties are needed.  I would become exhausted in trying to keep the friendship going.  They would expect me to be their for them, but when I needed a friend, such as the time my Sky Baby was in the hospital, I heard not one single word from a few people who I believed were my friends.  You get burnt out in any relationship when the other individual doesn't make an effort--when you are too busy pouring into their cup, but they are not pouring anything into yours.

I have also been known to have a few fair-weather friends who only call or contact me when they need something from me.  I have almost always dropped what I was doing to help them out.  I used to feel needed in those friendships and/or situations.  With a small circle of friends already, feeling like you were wanted, even if it was often at your expense, was nice sometimes.  I was being used however, which grew tiring for me as I often had/have no one there for me.  In fact, this summer one of my fair-weather friends contacted me out of the blue after two years of silence. She wanted my help with something; but this time, I actually put myself as well as my family, and our beach vacation, ahead of her needs and request.  I told her how I could help when I returned, and what I planned on doing.  I kept to my word, but I have not yet heard a reply from her since, and probably won't either until she needs something on her timing again probably a year, or two, down the road.

So, I admit with my past experiences with friendships and people, I may be tired of trying sometimes, and appear to be reserved, which has become a safety net for me; however, it may cost me a larger group of friends.

Perhaps everyone else get's an impression from me.  May be there is an air about me that people see and feel, making them not wish to pursue me either.  If so, I don't mean too.  I really like people in general, and I am so often willing to help others.  I am loyal until the bitter end.  I even had to kick a friend to the curb this past year for reasons that I just cannot get into; but she wronged me, and in an effort to save a relationship more near and dear to me, the betrayal of this other friend and the threat that she posed, and her adamantly not willing to own up to any of her actions, I was forced to end it with her as she also ended things with me too.  However, even though I was justified in ending the relationship, up until she decided to ignore my efforts to talk to her, I was still hoping that a friendship in many regards, could be squeaked out of a very bleak and complicated situation.

Sometimes I just get too afraid to try, and I will own up to that!

I have tried to meet with others, or go out for a meal, and either receive silence or that they have busy schedules.  I have also tried to host countless little parties and such at my house.  I have gotten excited and sent out invites and emails for which I either hear from no one even up to just days before the event; or everyone who does answer are unable to attend.  Then I either sit in my house waiting for someone to show-up; or as I did recently for a Thirty-One party I was hosting, I just canceled, or in that case, changed it to an online party.  It takes a toll on a person when they continually extend an invite out, and all they receive are "no's" or silence, so one just stops trying.

This past summer, I even tried to get in contact with one of my old college friends, who I used to hang out with after we were married.  We used to have such a great time together, and we used to chat often.  I have texted, called her, and even Facebooked her twice, and all I have received from her is silence...

Silence can make one ache so... I ache when there is silence, and then I wonder what's wrong with me?  Or what did I do?  How can I fix it?

I can go several weeks, and I mean several weeks, with out one phone call.  My phone hardly ever rings.  I don't hear from my own family, sisters, friends, etc.  It hurts too.

I also love to talk to others!  Sometimes I have been so lonely, as talking to my husband and children can only provide but so much for me, that I can crave some adult interaction outside of this house.  Sometimes when Scot is working long and hard hours; and when his topics can often be surrounded by work related issues where I just cannot relate, the ache for friendship and social settings outside of my family unit sometimes get's quite strong.  I spend a lot of time with my kids, but you can only talk so much to your kids, making me all the more chatty when I am around other adults especially other women.  I can be so chatty!  May be too chatty... may be that annoys people...

I also need to realize that friendships change as life experiences and needs change.  Sometimes God sends us friends for specific times in our lives.  While other times, people change focus, and priorities.  Although, I do think that a true friend, stands the test of time.

Even though my phone barely ever rings, or I barely even chat with anyone over text, emails and such, when I finally do get a call, it has always been at God's perfect timing.  Really truly it has and I am thankful for that as it has reassured me that God knows.  He see me.

I read way more into things than I probably should.

With in the last couple of years, I have also grown to the realization that I was left out of extended family gatherings, parties, and celebrations too, which have ultimately left me questioning what is wrong with me, and wondering what do people see in me that they would rather exclude me and my family?  I know that sometimes I may read way too much into certain things too. There could honestly be simple explanations, but my mind starts wondering as the loneliness sinks in again...

Like I mentioned earlier, I have been and currently are, a part of a variety of social circles, but often have and do feel left out.  I remember one time, I was at a park when I realized that two women from my church were there.  We said hello, and then they gathered their items and walked away from me, leaving me feeling alone, unwanted, and amongst other things.  Perhaps they were just talking about a private matter, and did not want me to hear them, but as they journeyed yards away from me and my kids, and parked themselves at the bridge, I experienced negative feelings.  It hurt.

Just this past weekend we enjoyed a celebration dinner at our church for it's 20th anniversary.  In the back of my mind I wondered if I even wanted to go, because I usually almost always experience isolation at such gatherings.  This time was like all other times, me and my family sat alone at a table with no other families or friends to join us.  I mentioned this to Scot, and he replied, "Well, we are a big family.  We take up a lot of space."  I looked around at other large families who sat amongst other people, and well, I became discouraged.

It goes outside of church circles as well.  I played volleyball for years, and there were several points that I felt like a team member on the court, but nothing else outside of the sport.  Felt like everyone just wanted to ignore the little homeschooler on the team when she wasn't playing.

Therefore, sometimes I just want to disengage.

Sometimes in order to cope, I often disengage, which comes across as shy or such to others, which in turns, creates a viscous little circle, because in the end, who would want to be my friend if I come across as shy or too reserved? (Boy I sound like highschooler right about now! LOL)

I have also wondered if I ever just moved away from this area, if anyone would even notice?

Honestly, my short answer is that they probably would not, though I know Scot and others would disagree.  There is not much to talk about here other than sometimes I just feel like I am just Scot's wife, and Sky Baby's, Paize's, Little Man's, and Big Mac's mom.  Sometimes I feel like I have nothing else to show for... Nothing that cries out me and my identity!  I also know that some of this is just irrational thinking when I get super low and lonely.

I have had a few dear people, especially those from my church aware of my sense of loneliness, and they have tried to help, but as I have learned recently through a few discussions with people that I am also simply in a new phase in my life right now too; and that I just may be where God wants me to be right now.  He has called me to be a mother, and I am grateful for that calling.  I have been blessed with four beautiful children whom I love more than words can ever express, but with their ages ranging from 8 years of age down to 10 months of age, I am consumed with my children, their needs, schedules, and activities; and none of my own.  Also, I have to admit that there are a few days where, just having a day at home where I do not have to go anywhere, and I can catch up on chores or my desires, outweighs hanging out with others.  Recently, however, I have chosen to head right on out of my house for a play date and such regardless of nap schedules!  Socializing has become important to me!

Therefore, sometimes it is my choice too.

As I have found myself isolated from the adult world in many regards, I often seek other outlets, such as the wonderful double-edged, social networking world known as Facebook!  I enjoy getting on and chatting with others, and seeing what others are up to.  It is an outlet in a way for me, but not everyone one on my friend's list do I consider a friend so to speak too.  Do you know what I am trying to say?  There are many aspects of friendship and personal interactions that social networks such as Facebook just simply cannot provide, and will never provide.  However, it does provide some social aspect for me.

However, I have used Facebook as a means of comparisons... Can you believe that!?  How pathetic am I?!

Sometimes I wonder how could one person have +300 contacts in their friends list.  I also wonder why some people can get so many likes and comments on statuses and photos to my few?  Why do others seem to get more attention than do other people?  For instance, a few weeks ago, Big Mac suffered a febrile (sp?) seizure, I posted a picture and a status update on my little guy, of which I barely got any recognition over my son's illness, and ambulance ride to the hospital.  However, knowing if others from church had posted the same, the same people who overlooked my post, would have been all over the others' like white on rice!  I wondered what made them, or their child, more important than my own?  Why does it seem like others really don't give a rat's ass about me? (Excuse me for my phrase.)

However, although I ache for more friendship and I do feel lonely sometimes, I need to remember that sometimes, one or two close friends is way better than several friends.  And I have some good, close friends.  My phone may not ring off the hook, or I may not have many visitors, but I will hang onto the few close relationships I got.  Also, I can and do have a close personal relationship with my Lord God who knows me very well; and provides me with what I need.  He fills my cup.

If my sharing about my feelings and loneliness helps another person, then these feelings are worth it to me.

I still like getting on FB and checking out what other people are up too, or what they may need prayer for, so I will continue my FB social networking, but I need to try not to compare.  And as much as FB can be a double edged sword for me, I want to use it as a place for others to feel acceptance, and encouragement.  I want to pray for others and chat with others, who simply need someone to talk too.  With my smaller circle of friends, I have more time available to love my own husband, and children; but also to pray, and be open to encourage others.  Therefore, I have opened Becca's Page (https://www.facebook.com/LilLilBecBecPage?ref=hl) on FB, to help encourage others as well as myself.  I have decided to fill a small emptiness with something that could bless others.  Not sure how it will go.  Want to be a blessing in the daily personal contacts as well... so we shall see where the road takes us.

I know I am loved by God, and by others in my life.  I don't need to be busy keeping up with large circles of people who I am seeking to fill my cup when only God can do that anyways... 

And really... truly... sometimes all you need is just one true friend... Nothing more and nothing less...