I May Not Always Be a Duggar Fan BUT...

Who knew that after several months of praying and soul searching that I would come to a completely different conclusion than that which I had originally thought possible, especially when one considers what I went through several weeks ago.  I prayed to God quite a bit on the subject matter, but I generally steered it my one way of thinking that had developed over time. Some of my opinions were also steered by others and what others believed to be true even though the manner for which and how they went about their opinions were a bit unfounded, unguided, and for no lack of a better word, absolutely and downright tactless.  With that said, however, I did allow a few of the opinions to influence me and my thoughts while ALL the comments that were made to me and said in my presence did in fact and eventually affect me over time.

Who knew that such a personal decision as what type of birth control and/or contraceptive that a couple, especially that of a married couple, may choose to use, if any, could cause so many others to form and voice their opinions.  For me, as long as an abortion, and perhaps, the after-morning pill, is not being used--as their actual purpose is to kill an unborn baby--it really shouldn't be any one's concern.  And I do realize as I am currently writing this post that I am now about to share my opinions and feelings in regards to my views on birth control and contraceptives that I am actually setting myself up for others to form opinions of me and my decisions and thus bringing others into the equation who probably cannot help but read this and possibly form an opinion themselves in regards to my views and the content in which I am about to discuss; but after some time I feel I have something to say in regards to this and I will accept the fact that I may be critiqued at my very own expense.  A double edge sword I am waving around so to speak, but I am ready to accept the consequences and my husband is aware of this post as well.

Now please do not be fooled by the above title.  You may definitely want to keep reading as I may not actually have the opinions of that which could be derived from the title itself given the content with in it.  But in fact, I have come to some other conclusions as well, apart from the title, which may be worth the read.

Scot and I have used the Mirena as our preferred form of birth control and contraceptive 3 times in our marriage.  I read up on it and after careful consideration Scot and I first chose to use one about 6 years ago.  When a loved one found out what I was using to prevent pregnancy, she proceeded to tell me that I was aborting my children and she did not agree with it.  I shared my feelings but was stunned at the same time by her feelings that she expressed so adamantly, especially when she proceeded to say to me something to the affect of "Well, I guess you will have lot's of babies waiting for you when you go to heaven someday."  I was left absolutely dumb founded and speechless. 

Later on, I was at my MOPS group when our group's mentor mom, a mother of eight grown children, was sharing a testimony when she proceeded to share her opinions about IUD's.  She and her husband chose not to use them because they aborted babies.  I wiggled in my seat wondering if such a bold statement as that in a testimony which also was directed at a room of not only believers but of unbelievers as well was such a good idea.  I sat there in near tears wanting to leave immediately because I had just had my Mirena placement.  I soon learned through a conversation in regards to that testimony that I was not the only one who was sitting in there using the Mirena, an IUC that is often referred to as an IUD.  I had a debate with H about the name.  She insisted IUD but I told her the times have changed and the device has changed and that physicians were calling them IUC's now (inner uterine contraceptive).

Anyways let me not digress anymore.  A few weeks later I went to my OBGYN to have my Mirena placement follow-up, with tears in my eyes I told her what people had been saying to me.  Her mouth dropped open and she responded with "If the first two barriers fail [hormones in the Mirena that prevent women from ovulating and the barricade it causes in its physical design that prevents the goods (i.e. sperm) from reaching their destination (i.e. ovaries)] then yes, it would then be technically considered an abortion."  The Mirena is not designed like the old IUD's.  There is more involved with it now in its prevention of pregnancy.

I left that day feeling better as my doctor had confirmed what I had read and she confirmed our reasons for deciding to use the Mirena as our form of contraceptive at that time.  For me, the Mirena and the pill had no difference.  If people want to talk about the Mirena making a hostile environment for a fertilized embryo to attach to the uterine wall and grow well then the pill also does the same thing too.  While on the pill the hormones released are supposed to prevent one from conceiving, but in the event that an egg is fertilized, because there is always that possibility, than the fertilized embryo may not be able to attach to the uterine wall because the pill has made it an inhospitable place for the egg as I learned when I became pregnant with our first baby.

You see when Scot and I got married, we decided to use the pill as our form of contraceptive.  I was on it for a few years and one week I never got my monthly.  I eventually took a pregnancy test that showed the faintest of faint positives.  I had stopped taking the pill a couple of days prior as I grew suspicious.  I called the doctor (who is no longer my OBGYN, in fact that phone call would be the last time I would ever speak to him ever again) and I explained to Doctor B. what I had been experiencing.  He told me to just keep taking the pill as I tried to tell him that although I had been preventing, that if in fact I was pregnant, I would still want the baby.  He assumed I didn't want the baby because I had been preventing and he just plain as day told me to keep taking the pill.  I refused and I didn't take it.  The day after I took the pregnancy test, I suffered horrible cramps and passed an unusual blood clot and I never menstruated that month.  My heart broke as I concluded that as soon as I had realized I was probably pregnant, I had lost the baby and the pill was probably to blame.

It was with that possible pregnancy, I say that as I never got clear confirmation and diagnosis, because Dr. B refused to see me, that I realized how much I wanted to become a mom and we decided to start trying to have a family and another baby.  I am almost positive I was pregnant then.  My heart wishes I put all the pieces together sooner but when I look at my children now I think about how my first baby gave me the desire to become a mom; and I will hold that very close to me until the day I leave this earth and meet that baby.

It took us almost a year later, however, to conceive our eldest child.  Months and months of trying.  Months and months of tears as I learned that I couldn't control when we would conceive a baby.  I had to learn, painfully, that God was in control and I most certainly wasn't; and even though it only took a year and I know of other people who took years to conceive their children, it was still hard for a control freak like me to understand and to yield.

During that time Scot and I concluded that we believed that the pill had screwed me up physically so to speak.  Also, I had a bad habit of accidentally skipping my pills and we didn't want to suffer another failed pregnancy at the expense of my mistake.  And if you include the fact that Scot and I are also planners and we didn't want another child too early although if we ever did conceive before our planned time, like the baby I had lost, we would have opened our arms wide open and we would have been excited to welcome the baby.  So after our first child and after our other two pregnancies later on, we chose the Mirena and believed it best suit our needs and desires.

This last time, however, after Little Man, I was a little less enthusiastic about the Mirena.  I thought we should just go contraceptive free as we believed that God was calling us to have a 4th child.  I thought might as well throw caution to the wind and just let God decide.  Also, I think the words and comments from others even from those who had not a clue what they were talking about because the IUC's are not like the devices that used to exist; but in the end, I think I did let their words affect me.  I went to get the Mirena placed this last time grudgingly.  My OBGYN got the hint I wasn't doing it because I was primarily on board but because I was being a submissive housewife to my husband.  I even came home and told Scot and I quote, "I only did it because YOU wanted me to."

At that point I don't believe that I necessarily saw it as an abortion, but I didn't believe it was the best for us at that time.  But then again words from others may have started to sink in, especially when that April came around.  I went to a female family retreat at SML.  I was prepared to have fun, instead I came away so agitated and hurt all at the same time.  Even with in the first few hours of being there, opinions were shared.  I remember we were sitting on the dock when one of my aunt's started talking about the women and girls she sees come to the county for contraceptives and birth control.  Not sure where in the conversation her opinions of the Mirena was made known, but they most definately were made known.  Not sure if she witnessed stuff or if she heard stuff, but she proceeded to say something to the affect that women who conceive while on the Mirena have given birth to babies where the Mirena was embedded with in the baby and it had to be surgically removed.  She talked about how it could be embedded in an infant's head.  I was horrified and wondered how on earth the conversation had turned.  With out stating that I was currently using the Mirena, which I had made my practice to prevent unwanted opinions, I piped up with my drink in hand that the probability of that happening was so small and that it rarely happens.

Later on that same trip as we were about to leave, the same aunt started talking about the Mirena again.  In one of the lake house's bedrooms was a picture of a pitch fork that had been stabbed into a tree, for which the tree had eventually grown around it--embedding the pitch fork.  My aunt declared that the Mirena could do the same to little babies and how awful it was, for which my mom decided to agree and share her negative views about the Mirena, which she has done in the past, all the while me, someone who was currently on the Mirena, was standing right there in the same room.  I snapped back at both of them, mainly my mom, telling them that I had never heard of such a thing and the chances again of that happening were slim and rare as the chances of even getting pregnant on the Mirena was less than 1%. 
By summertime, the heat of their words and others as well as words of the past had gotten to me.  I was starting to believe that the Mirena was no good for various reasons.  I prayed again for Scot's heart to change and waited for him to deem it was now time to remove it.  Time quickly passed and our planned time to have the Mirena removed was quickly approaching anyways. 

To make a long story short, one day I experienced horrible cramps.  Terrible cramps that lasted all morning long and then just simply disappeared.  After a series of events and after my menstruation never began and was days late, I went in to see my OBGYN.  I always think of all the possible things that my doctor may reveal to me during a visit; however, I tend to be a worry wart and all my worries never come to forission generally except for this time.  I laid back expecting my doc to give me the all-clear when she proceeded to say, "I can't see the strings." A few more minutes passed and as I thought to myself that would be the worst of it as she'll see the Mirena in a minute, the opposite actually occurred as she told me that the Mirena wasn't where it was supposed to be.  So after a pregnancy test was performed, for which it said I was not pregnant, and after an ultra sound was also performed, my rogue Mirena was found where it wasn't supposed to be as the top of the 'T' shape had collapsed and it had traveled up into new territory.  My doctor tried to get to it herself, but after the 'hook' went missing (a medical instrument that helps retrieve such things and because it is so RARELY used) and after much pain on my part and after I shouted at her (which by the way she has delivered two of my three children and I have never as so much as raised my voice at her before) "WHAT! AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL PAIN IN MY RECTUM!" She subsequently called off the search and rescue for a later date and time.

Four days later while doped up on heavy pain meds and anti-anxiety meds, my rogue Mirena was successfully retrieved.  After the painful experience was over and my doctor and I were talking, I came to an unexpected conclusion especially given the circumstances.  I told my doctor that at least I didn't have to worry about other people's opinions anymore.  She looked at me with an odd look and so I explained further by telling her what others had said to me over the years.  Her mouth dropped wide open as she was shocked by some of which I had told her.  She then told me that the Mirena makes the environment no more hostile than the pill.  In fact, she continued on by saying that studies had concluded that the Mirena may be better in the fact that it had an extra barrier in place.  She said that studies were performed on women who used Mirena and who had hysterectomies, which concluded that no semen had even reached the area of destination, so to speak well... the best way I can paraphrase it.  I take what she says to heart because she is not only a specialist in the field, but she goes to church, and although I know that doesn't necessarily determine if one is a believer or not, it does provide me with a sense of some kind of assurance.

Although, Scot and I are not sure what our feelings about the form of contraceptive we will eventually choose as a couple, I have now come to the conclusion that the Mirena isn't a form of abortion as I started to believe.  The only downside is that my last one went rogue, which is rare.  My doctor has told me she has only ever retrieved about 2 to 3 others, but they were patients who had come from other doctor offices. I believe that I was her first patient whom she had placed a Mirena for which went rogue.  And she did inform me that where mine had traveled had left me unprotected and that I could have conceived a baby.  She told me her sister had become pregnant with a similar situation as mine and NO her sister's baby was not born with the IUC embedded in the baby, but that it was actually eventually expelled from her body on its own.

Seems like the only sure way of not getting pregnant and not yet cross any possible abortion boundaries is either abstinence or a snip snip here and a tube tied there; but if you are still young and desiring a family clearly those options are certainly not good ones even though the male's goods would not come in contact with the female's.  And although I don't always get the Duggar's theology and family philosophies and after 21 children and the unfortunate passing of their youngest unborn child, I don't understand why a snip snip and a tie would go against their beliefs on birth control and their feelings about abortion given the fact that the two vital parts would never meet to even risk the chance of conception and even if they did and a procedure failed, there would be no other environmental factor that could ultimately end the pregnancy.  However, they have made the choice to continue on contraceptive free, even if it means Michelle or another baby Duggar's life could be subsequently placed at risk.  I know other people as well who can constitute the "rhythm method" better than may be the Duggars and I don't understand after 21 children why they won't try to prevent more pregnancies in some regards; however, it is their business although I do realize that they chose to make it everyone else's business when they chose to do a reality show.

As long as all their children are being taken care of (clothed, fed, etc.) and their needs are being met and no children are being placed in harm out right then it is simply their own business.  It is their business and that decision is between Michelle, Jim Bob and God.  And as much as the Duggar family prefers having many children and remain contraceptive free, others who only wish to have one child, or a few, should not be looked down upon either if they choose to use contraceptives as that may be what is best for that couple and their family's needs.  Frankly, a couple needs to pray and ask God what is best for them and their family, and if they are led by God in one direction, then they should have the right to do so.  All the while they shouldn't cast judgement upon another couple's whose choice may differ from theirs as well.