I have been contemplating on whether I should post this or not on my blog, but my blog is meant to be transparent and after yesterday's Wellspring Bible Study, where we studied Psalm 51, I have decided that I am to write this post and so... here I go...
I am a stay-at-home mom and I confess that I have been basing my happiness on my children and having children instead of basing it on God; and I have been consumed by this for quite sometime now. What I am talking about isn't just simply the bonds that a mother has with her children. I am also aware of the fact that being a stay-at-home mom is being mommy 24/7 and rearing her children is her job, her livelihood, her passion and most times than not it becomes her identity making it difficult to separate herself from her offspring; however, this went deeper than that believe it or not, and it was unfair to my children, my husband and to God.
I love children. Children and babies give me joy! And the funny thing is when I graduated from college, I wanted to be a working mom with may be two kids at the most. God had other plans for me; and when a series of doors closed while other doors opened, and God handed me keys of my own free will while directing me down the hallway of my life at that time to any door that was available for me to open, I chose to be a stay-at-home mom. And I have been blessed by that decision and I have not regretted that decision ever since.
The problem is when I sought joy from each child, and the prospect of more, instead of living in the moment of being grateful for the children God has blessed me with already and the time I have spent with them. If my children did this or that, it would make me happy or unhappy; or if I could do this or that with them or for them, it would determine my happiness. If they behaved or not, for example, then it would determine my outcome for the day so to speak--my response and my emotions and spirituality. I also had gotten to the point that if any one of my three little "happiness" inconvenienced me and my plans with an illness or the potty or whatever, well how dare they! They were to make me happy when I saw fit. And they are only human. And to put that kind of pressure on little ones whom God loves is simply wrong. They don't deserve it. They didn't just decide to drop down from heaven to spend their lives making me happy.
I have a tendency to want to show them off too. Parade them around when I am in public so to speak. If people could see my beautiful children and how lovely they are and how well behaved they can be, then I am a better mom because someone else could see and may be verify it for me publicly. Now don't take me wrong, as parents we need to be proud of our children and for the correct choices they make, but there is a fine line to cross into the pitfalls of pride and idolatry
As Scot and I recently started to discuss when we were going to start trying to have our final addition to our family, my excitement of our fourth child didn't necessarily come like it had with my other children. Scot and I were not entirely on the same page as to when to start. It became one big ball of confusion and stress. I was making everything more difficult than it had to be and I was letting fear come in. Then I started to recognize the problem but I would just admit that I could have a problem being consumed with my kids, or that I was almost at an unhealthy point in my relationship with them. And when I tried to fix it on my own, such as trying to do more chores to be a better mom or trying to spend more quality time with each child, things became daunting for me and heavy. I could feel things strained between Scot and me, but I didn't know how to fix it or I didn't want to face it (that part depended on the day).
As I was at church yesterday and we were discussing David's approach to taking ownership of his sins, I realized that it was indeed time to take ownership after someone at my group mentioned that sometimes when you confess to someone it makes it more real. And then I realized that I had admitted to myself on a few occasions that I had gotten to an unhealthy point in my relationship with God, Scot and my kids. The night before, during my alone time with God and working on the Bible study homework (hum...last minute I know), I had confessed it to God too; however, I had not shared the same with my husband. I had only glossed over it and my transgression with him a few times in passing but that was about it. In order for me to truly take ownership in my sin, I needed to go to Scot because I had been placing my children above my husband.
Not knowing how Scot would react, I confessed to him where I had placed him in the "food chain" so to speak and how I was seeking my children for my love and happiness and acceptance rather than from God; and from my own husband in a way too. I told Scot that I wanted more time from our original date to start trying for our fourth baby so that I could ensure that my heart was in the right place. Then Scot said something that almost made me cry. He said "You will be a mom of four someday; it just doesn't have to be now."
And then later that evening Scot said something else that struck me and perhaps will strike you too. Part of it reflects how I believe our Heavenly Father views our ownership of our sin. He wants to help us and bless us through it and our confession. Scot said that he was aware of what I had been doing for a while and he was waiting for me to admit it and to take ownership in it. And then he continued by saying to me that now that he knows that I am no longer denying it, he desires more than ever to have one more child with me. Yep, he caused me to have a lump in my throat that evening.
With that said, we are NOT currently trying to get pregnant so dear family and close friends do not get excited. We do believe that God has called us to try to have one more baby and that is part of my leap of faith into the great unknown as our current house is small and I am unsure how all things will work out. BUT we are going to wait a bit longer for now. I want to enjoy my children for who they are for now and I want to get to a point that when we go to try, that I am okay with the prospect that if it doesn't happen and God does not allow us to be blessed with one more child that I am okay with that because I am already blessed with my three children and I want my happiness in life to be set apart from them and what they do.
Children are not trophies to stack up on a shelf so to speak for all to see. And now that I have taken ownership in it, I know that God will take me and wash me whiter than snow. He will help me, which may sometimes come in the the form of Scot! ;-)
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