A Little Nugget

I have been experiencing some anxious thoughts lately. And as many of you know, I am not the most patient person in the world. Patience is not a strong virtue of mine, especially when it comes to waiting for something that I really want or such. When you couple anxiety with a lack of patience, it can be a little overwhelming for me.

Yesterday, as I was out and about on a mission with Paisley and Ian, to get Little Man's invites for his 1st birthday party coming up, an anxious thought just suddenly overcame me and my mind. It was the kind of moment where my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and my stomach did a complete butterfly flutter as the thought quickly entered my mind.

I was completely caught off guard by the moment and how my body and emotions reacted to it. I had to talk myself through it and I began praying. Although this process was interrupted often by my little miss chatter-box behind me as Paisley is a talker. However, she kept talking about what princess she wanted or wanted to be. But I kept brushing her words aside as I was quickly trying to evaluate my thoughts.

There is something in my future, months a way from now, that I have no control over, but I am excited about its arrival time and the unknowns too--all at the same time. Some of the what-ifs and doubts surrounding it, however, are what sparked my episode that I had currently found myself in yesterday afternoon.

As we arrived to our destination and began the quick hunt for the invites, I finally realized what Paisley was talking about. As we walked through the aisles, Paisley was pointing out party stuff and princesses. She was talking about her party and what princess theme she wanted it to be. I kept telling her that we were here for Ian's day and that her birthday was still a ways a way. As we found our wanted items, we journeyed to the front of the store where Paisley proceeded to keep talking about her party and desires. I kept telling her that her birthday will come soon. But that she would have to wait. Her face started to show her distress as she realized how long she would have to wait. And in her true mother's fashion, the excitement and impatience was becoming too much for her to handle.

Seeing her face, I looked down at her and said, "I know that you are excited. You can wait. It will be here before you will know it." And with that she began to relax. As did I, as I realized that what I said to her and the timing of her concern was perfect in regards to my anxieties that I was experiencing. It was a little "nugget" of calming thoughts from God. As I spoke to Paisley, God spoke to me. He used her moment to get through to me. And my heart began to settle some. God knows me more then I realize. He is there to guide me through my life and my human nature and sinful tendencies. I am blessed.

Forgiveness of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Several weeks ago, when I finally took ownership of my sins that I had been trying to deny, I let God in to start to cleanse me. It wasn't on me anymore. Trying to fix me wasn't on my shoulders anymore either. Being honest with myself and God that I had been placing happiness in my children rather than God, has opened the door for God to work in me. He just wanted me to open the door so to speak, and like a "maid," God was going to come in and start cleaning so I could rest.

Can you imagine resting? Trying to place my happiness in my kids, would make me a guilt ridden mother when things and motherhood didn't go as planned. When I felt that I messed up as any mother does, I would take it extremely poor as I was placing my self worth in my children and in the role of 'Mom.' And when I saw the problem I tried to cover it up, or ignore it, or at times try to fix it on my own, which would drain me both spiritually and emotionally. It was exhausting to try to fix what you were placing your self worth in all by yourself!

God knows that we cannot do it on our own. We are to lay our sins and burdens before Him. And that is what I did and I am glad that I did so. While being a stay-at-home mom still has its mundane tasks and crazy multi-tasking moments associated with it, and at times frustrating moments can transpire, I have now found more happiness in it all. The simple things that will make me smile. The moments I can treasure forever. The moments--like when my girls call me 'mom' and give me sweet kisses and precious bear hugs or when my infant son reaches his hands up to me while smiling--seem ever so sweeter to me now. Even sweeping crumbs off the floor after lunch time seems just a little different to me now. The joy is returning as my dreaded "mommy moments" are decreasing. While I am not looking to my kids for my happiness anymore, being their mom and serving them, has defined new realms of joy for me.

I am still a vessel of clay. The work is still not completed, but I can rest and take peace in the fact that God is working in me. And when I still have moments where I fall back into my old mind set for a brief time, I can rest more assure as I can see now God providing me the tools--scripture, encouraging words, a song--for which I can use to overcome those moments.

And as I still have a longing and ache for one more child as Scot and I still believe that there is yet one more member of our family missing (and yes once in a while my longing can morph into jealousy if I let it) the difference now is that I know that our fourth child will not complete my happiness, that child will just complete our family. And yes, while my children do provide me happiness and sweet joy, only God can fill my cup completely, and I am thanking God that I can see that now especially for the sake of my children.

I say this all now, as I will be leaving my kids tomorrow for a family women's retreat this weekend. I am realizing that in order for me to be a better mom for my kids, I need to take more mommy breaks than I have in the past. This trip will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from my kids--yep a whole 3 days and 2 nights worth! But I think it is perfect timing.

My Palace

When you live in an area like I do, the far west end, where the "haves" seem to far out number the "have nots," its hard to keep a good perspective on life and wealth. At about 1300 square feet, my house not only boasts bold painted colors through out, but three bedrooms and 1 and half baths. Yep, my house and yard is the smallest of all I know here where I live. In some cases, my house can fit on the first floors of some of my friends' homes.

Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all because I have less to clean and pick-up, but what irritates me is when someone makes a comment about me having three kids here and someday having a possible fourth. Now I assure you that Scot and I do aspire to one day move and we do not plan to make our starter home the 'IT' home, but now is not the time for us to buy a new house. And as God closed the door on a house we were looking at recently, God showed us that we are to stay where we are at for now. God wants us to better our future and the future of our children by staying here for now and so that is what we plan to do. So if we have three kids here and may be one more child for a bit, that is simply between us and God; and you can keep your opinions to yourself thank you.

I don't even know why a bigger house is such a big deal to others anyways? I came from simple beginnings. There was a time in my growing-up that there were 6 of us living in a two bedroom, one bath cap cod and we survived with no harm done. In fact, I think I have a better perspective on life because of that brief time period.

Now I know I am not completely innocent in my feelings about large family and small house. Sometimes, I think to myself that we should definitely buy a new house before possibly thinking about having our next baby. However, if we feel that God is opening doors and we are to start trying for our next child, I am not going to sit there and place boundaries and expectations on God's plans for us. And besides part of walking in faith is jumping into the great unknowns of life and that would very much be one of them as trying to figure out room arrangements and such could be trying. But part of the leaping is trusting that God would reveal the way and for us to give-up the control. Let God take the wheel so to speak.

It's also so hard not to compare yourself with others and other things when the world is so full of comparable things. I do have problems sometimes appreciating things such as this home when I am surrounded by bigger and better things in some regards. BUT I am quickly reminded of the blessings I do have in this house. For instance, I should be thankful that we are even homeowners at all, especially in this day and age with the economy. Secondly, we are now at a point in our lives where we are living comfortably in regards to our income. Soon after Skye was born, Scot and I were living from pay check to pay check. After the bills were paid we barely had a dime to our name. Scot even took a second job for a time in the evenings to help get us through. Due to a smaller mortgage, we have been able to pay down debt (including recently paying off the minivan! whoot! whoot!) and we have been able to put money in our savings. And what excites me too, is that we have been able to help others financially where and when God leads us. This is exciting to me; because just a few short years ago, I would not have believed that would be a possibility for us. I like helping others and donating to organizations. I feel blessed to bless others. We have been practicing the ideas and principles laid out by Dave Ramsey; and they work! Plus living here in this house, our heating and cooling bills are small. It helps when two of your outer walls are insulated by other town homes!

And as small as our little backyard is, I have been amazed by those who have much larger yards, commenting on how they like my yard. They talk about how nice it is and how it must be nice to send the kids outside and be able to stay in with Ian or cook or whatever while being able to see exactly where the kids are and what they are doing. The kids can play while being locked in by a privacy fence. Also, the little up keep for our little yard frees up more time to do other things.

And when I start being envious of others I remember the following verse:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. ~Psalm 16:5

My house may be small; but it is what God has provided us for now and so my house is my palace and I am going to be thankful for it.

That Still, Small Voice

Over the last 6 months or so, I have been learning to discern between what I sometimes believe are passing thoughts and what I believe is God speaking to me and asking me to obey. Trying to decipher that still, small voice inside can be quite difficult sometimes. I only say it is small because if it were a nice smack in the face--a huge check in the spirit--it would just be too easy! Instead, I am left trying to decide what I believe my mind and soul are saying to me.





Several weeks ago, I felt very strongly that I was to give a neighbor of mine, who had been going through a rough year, a card. In this case, the thought popped into my heart and when the idea kept coming to me during the span of just a few days, I quickly realized that that was what I was supposed to do. However, shortly thereafter, I concluded that a card was to be placed in my neighbor's storm door, a specific date for which I was supposed to do so kept coming to mind. And as this date was amongst a slue of other important dates and hectic time frame for me, as well as it was a few weeks away, I wanted to explain my reasons for why another earlier date would be more fitting because why was I to wait a few weeks anyways... I should go and do it right away and obey quickly. Right...? I mean these are fast moving times to say the least? Waiting is just unheard of! Anyways... the date kept coming to mind and I soon realized that if I was going to make excuses for this particular duty on that particular day, then most likely it was God laying it upon my heart and I was to obey.





As the day arrived, Scot learned that amongst my busy schedule I was going to drop by Hallmark to pick up this card for our neighbor. He remarked that I didn't have to give the card that day and I could do it all on a different day. I looked up at Scot and plainly said, "No, today is the day I am supposed to give the card." I got the card. Wrote what I believed what God was telling me to write and walked it up to my neighbor's house while she was at work. I rested it against her main door and I closed the storm door and I walked away. A few weeks later, when I was outside with my crew, my neighbor came over to me and said "Thank you for the card. I really needed it that day, because that was the one year anniversary of my mother's death."





Now I am not saying this to brag. I am simply stating why it is important to listen and obey when you hear that still, small voice. When something keeps coming to mind, pay closer attention to those thoughts because it may be more than just a simple passing thought. For example, a few weeks ago a totally random face popped into my head. It was someone who I am not friends with at all to say the least. I don't even really know her. I have only been around her a handful of times because she has been a friend to someone near and close to me. Only at certain holiday gatherings and birthday parties that our mutual buddy would put on would we actually see each other and talk a little bit. Other than that, she had absolutely no reason to pop into my thoughts. Well, when this particular person popped into my head one day and when her relationship with that person whom I know came to mind, I just tried to tell myself it must have been a fleeting, passing thought, because I didn't really have any knowledge about their friendship and to be honest with you I never believed it was any of my business as well. But I was puzzled as to why their relationship came to mind. I kept telling myself it must have been a random thought. I don't know the one gal and I didn't really care anything about her friendship with the other person.



Well, about two weeks later, I was on the phone with the person whom I have a direct relationship with, when she told me about how this other person had acted and treated her; and briefly discussed a few of the hurtful things that she had said to her. She told me how she lost sleep over their friendship and how this person's actions had affected her. Then my heart sank, because everything went down with her friend around the time her friend had come to my mind. I am not sure if the outcome would have been much different if I had taken the time to pray, but I figure that if I had taken the time that I spent trying to come up with reasons as to why this person had crossed my mind to pray instead, may be the affects of it all would not have been quite so great.





So now, my rule of thumb is simply this--if you have to spend any moment or thought trying to explain the thought away, then most likely you are being prompted by God to obey. And when it comes to praying for someone, just taking a few short minutes is all that God could be asking of you.