Candles

A few weeks ago, I celebrated another birthday.  Like many birthdays, there was a cake and some candles.  In my case, my husband and my crew provided me with an ice cream cake complete with some candles.  We gathered around our table as the kids were excited to see me blow out the candles and started singing to me the usual chorus with some of their own twists from which I am still puzzled as to where their newer renditions have come from like "Cha! Cha! Cha!"  Anyways, as their singing concluded it was time to blow the candles out for which the kids shouted, "Make a wish Mommy!"

Like years past, my wish was more of a quick resounding prayer that I would pray to myself than an actual wish.  As I closed my eyes after looking around the dining room, the usual wishful prayer changed.  It was different from years past.  It became one of thankfulness and gratitude instead of want and desire.  When I had looked around the room, I truly realized how blessed I was because for the very first time in a very long time, I felt that my family was complete.  I felt like finally all the missing little pieces were together.  I no longer had anyone missing from my table like I had felt for so long.  There were no more empty seats at the table.  I felt content and tears welled up in my eyes.  I quietly thanked God for my four little blessings and for Scot, and I blew out my birthday candles. 

In a post a long time ago, I had alluded to the fact that Scot and I had been thinking about adopting a fifth child.  As of right now, that is off our table.  I feel like God has told me at this time, the birth of Big Boy has completed our family--our family of six.  While I am blessed to no end for every single one of my children and I love them all, I do believe at this time, God has whispered to me that this is the number of children we are to have right now and not to actively seek anymore.  While I love my children deeply and have plenty of love to spread around to them all, I do feel that physically there just isn't enough of me to go around some times, especially when more than one child so often seems to need me at the same time any given time.

Sure, when the dust settles, and my newborn isn't a newborn anymore, and after we all have adjusted, some of you may think that my feelings will change.  And perhaps it will.  However, for now, I do not believe that will be the case.  Scot and I have considered many things about adoption and don't believe it is the best for us, or the adoptee for that matter, at this time, and will not be pursuing it any further.  While we believe in orphan care and I desire to some day do something in regards to it, we have been careful to consider the affects of adoption upon us, our marriage and family as a whole.  Also, for lack of better words, we want to ensure that we are not jumping on the band wagon, or trying to join a fraternity or brotherhood so to speak.  (And by no means am I trying to offend anyone and speak ill about the work that is going on and growing in my church and other churches around the area. Please understand that...  Hopefully, you will know what I am trying to say.)  We need to feel absolutely led by God.  If it is to happen, He will lay down the road before us.

As of now, we are to be a family of six.