After all my previous pregnancies, you could find me crying while sitting in front of the television after hearing about a baby/child in some of kind of crisis. And I mean, I would weep over the children. I have always been empathetic and sensitive about how others are feeling through out my whole life; however, during the postpartum times in my life, they are heightened to the 10th degree just about. Scot helped me realize that the news and other such shows I should stay away from especially after just having a baby; and that has helped a great deal, but this time however, simply avoiding the news didn't help me for various reasons.
First, I was dealing with some of the hardest relationship issues that I have ever had to deal with to date. I was fearing of losing a relationship that was near and dear to me, while knowing at some point that another relationship had to go (for which that relationship recently did fall apart and almost exactly the way I thought that it would). During the highest point of turmoil and stress, I ended up losing about 15 pounds in just a matter of days. I think my body is still trying to adjust to that rapid and unexpected weight loss while nursing my infant. I was almost at an utter loss in the whole situation.
I do believe that the Sandy Hook tragedy was perhaps one of the largest catalyst for me and postpartum. I do admit that I did briefly have the news on that afternoon when the news broke of the heart-breaking tragedy. I had two bites of my lunch and could not eat the rest when I heard of it. I have grieved over those victims and have been broken hearted for their families. I have gone to God in prayer over them. However, I think the sting of it all was just a bit too deep for someone like me, and it brought me to a low place. With that and hormones involved, it just continued my spiral to a very low place.
With everything going on, and having the lack of sleep that most moms experience when they have a new baby in the house, your mind just plays nasty games with you on top of everything else one is going through at the time. You compile that with not getting a moment to sit and rest, it can just spell trouble in a ways. I had already been feeling that there, physically, was not enough of me to go around for all my kids and husband and such. (I have to say that some of those feelings have toned down a bit now.) Anyways, I started saying awful things about myself such as you are a terrible mom; you are a terrible wife; and worst of all, that I hated my life. Then I would spend more time thinking about how terrible of a person I was for thinking that way, especially just after having my fourth blessing--my fourth child... and hence my four children. I would battle these thoughts inside; but felt like I got no where except only to become all the more physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I also felt more alone and isolated.
Then to add to it all, I started to experience the worst postpartum hair loss ever; and when you couple that with everything else, I just felt so icky about myself. My hairstylist believes that hormones and stress caused the larger than normal postpartum hair loss. Last week, she helped me feel better about myself and showed me how to wear my hair accordingly after she gave me a new hairstyle to help and she told me some things I could do to help prevent further hair loss, and how to start allowing new hair to grow back hopefully. I felt a bit pampered that evening in some regards, and I left feeling better than I had been about myself in weeks.
That night, however, I had realized that an infant baby girl was losing her battle with a brain injury she received when she suffered severe oxygen loss when the placenta sadly ruptured. Through Facebook, I had found out about the baby early last week, and I was struck by her parents through it all. I, along with many, had been praying for a miracle--a miracle of healing. And as I realized that God's healing was going to be different than what we all were hoping and praying for, my heart began to break once again. I kept checking FB to see of any updates about the little baby. My sister, after observing this, pointed out that I had replaced the news with FB instead. And she was right. FB has a major doubled-edged sword. It is great to see some things and to hear other updates, but it sets you up to see other things that can fan the flames in other areas of your life so to speak. I told her through various social circles (even outside of the world of FB), I had heard and been praying for four children ranging from 1 and 1/2 years of age to an unborn baby. And two of those children had already gone to be with the their Heavenly Father while the other two looked like they would too meet healing in the arms of their Heavenly Father; and I told her, how I just wanted to hear of a miracle again. I told her that I wanted to feel the warm light in what seemed like a sea of darkness.
Well, I started to do what I saw the parents of the baby girl do on FB. They found thankfulness and blessings in everything they could and in almost every update they gave about their daughter, even when their daughter reached healing in her Lord's arms. I wanted to be like that again... I used to be but I had lost it! I had learned that when Skye was in the hospital to find joy and blessing in everything! It just had become complacent in my life for a bit. And so the next morning after I saw my hairstylist and my sis, I started thanking God in ALL things again! I am starting to feel joy again! I know that it has been a week's time, but I feel much better than where I had been. I started to look up and out of my pit again!
I have spent just about the last 7 days, praying and thanking God through out my whole day! I even thanked God for Big Mac's huge diaper explosion. Yep! I thanked God for my son's poop! There are people out there that would give almost anything to have their child with them. They want to have the experience of cleaning up the largest poop explosions as I had done the other day!
Thank the Lord for the toilet you are cleaning, because you have a family to clean up after. Thank the Lord for the car that broke down today, because at least you have a car to drive at all! Thank the Lord for your two-year-old's temper tan trims, because you are blessed to have your child in your life at all! Thank the Lord for the rain, snow, etc. If you are single, thank the Lord that you are at a time in your life that you are free to be you! Whatever it is, be thankful! Have a thankful heart in ALL things. Your pit at times is just that--a pit--you can make the choice to get out of it. When you start being thankful, you start realizing that God has been there all along and you can see the blessings; and joy can and will return!
I have made a few lifestyle changes as well. I don't watch the news. Actually, I have not watched the news for the last several weeks now, and I only watch one ten minute local blurb that includes morning traffic and weather. I watch less TV in general now too. I find my stomach turns with watching some of the crap and pettiness on television. I rather scrapbook and such than sit and watch junk. I have begun to limit how many times I get on FB too, and I guard myself in what I take the time to look at while on there. I have also chosen to post differently on FB as well for the time being. I may start taking my camera and snapping pics even more than I do already, and I may post some on my wall as well! I want people to catch the wave of a thankful and joyful spirit who relies on God even on a damp, cloudy, and cold day! I want people to start seeing the blessings and to start realizing that God doesn't want them to go it alone. Use His strength to move on through life and whatever trials may come!
This picture spoke to me when I started making some changes in my heart, and how I choose to approach things in my life.
Enter his gates with thanksigiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100:4-5)
(I am doing this in memory of MJ and the other children too!)
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